Dilly he’s paying all the bills plus gives me support. I’m saving as much of it as I can. It’s not guaranteed so he could stop paying at anytime.
Hope I keep wanting to know whether he will move us at the end of the lease which is stupid because yes it’s far away. He said he was a month ago but don’t believe a word he says. Ugh.
The book is on its way.
I hate not being in control. I feel like I am spinning. I know what works so far. NC unless he contacts me first. Then it’s one word answers. I get sucked in sometimes but I’m working on that. I hear from him about once a week. I think it would be a few more but there are only so many pointless texts he can send right now. We’ve discussed everything and We have teenagers. He’s got no reason to contact me at all. Just mow the grass while I’m at work or hire someone to do it. This is his weekly text right now. He’s got plenty of friends who would do it cheaply.
I’m having a bad day. How am I going to do this? I feel like he will get a nice house while I’m in a crappy apartment and the kids will all live with him. I get the whole GAL thing and logically I know I’ll be ok. Pretending I’m fine in front of the kids is hard sometimes. I have them all until the lease is up in October and that’s assuming he wants to move on with his life. You know the life where I’m not in it.
I’m the reason he is divorcing me so in my pity party I think I deserve this. I’m pathetic.
You don't deserve any of this. Pity party is ok, but put a timer on it. I usually give myself 15 minutes or so, if I feel I must. But then it's back to life and figuring out what works for me.
When you can stop looking out to the future, your mind will calm down. I'm sorry it's so hard right now. Won't always be this way. You don't know what the future holds and that is scary!! But you really have never known, right? And control? That is an illusion. Except that you can control YOU. And that's where you have to start.
All of those possibilities are not known right now and that can cause fear and anxiety for sure, if you continue to think on those, what will staying in those thoughts accomplish?
You WILL be ok. I hope you are able to focus on now. It's hard, but you can do it. You owe it to yourself to find peace in this storm. Listening to sermons helps me. IDK if you are a person of faith but that is what helps me tremendously.
You are not alone in this. I'm so sorry you are here, but you are surrounded by many people who have been exactly where you are right now and are thriving.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Hope I can't stop not yet. I can't stop coming up with scenarios. We're in a rental house and the lease is up in 5 months. He can't get his own place until we move out of here. He could keep us here for years I guess. He pays all the bills and child support while he lives a life free and clear of any responsibilities. He's not happy I hear and misses the kids. Until he gets his own place the kids won't visit him. I don't see him dragging this out much beyond when the lease ends. 5 months. I should have an inkling of whether we are truly done in 5 months.
Oh and for much as I whine I'm not ready to R. Its too soon. If he came back now I'd do the same things I did before and he'd leave again. I've come a long long way in 2 months but it's not enough time. He may never come back but if he does I'll be a healthier person. If he doesn't come back I'll be a healthier person.
I need to learn to be alone, to sit with bad feelings, to stop trying to control everything (like I am now), how to make myself happy, I need to GAL that doesn't involve me sucking the life out of my husband, etc. This process is very very painful.
Reconciliation math:
I'm a numbers person. I scoured the internet looking for what my odds are of reconciling (I need some hope). It says 87% divorce after separating which is true but it's not the whole story. Here is the real math. 50% of couples who separate will try again but only 10% of those will be successful. The 10% is what is all over the internet which is depressing. Makes it sound like only 10% reconcile but it's simply not true.
The reason only 10% make it is because many couples never fix what caused the separation in the first place. If I am given the gift of R I'd like to be ready for it. Sadly I don't think there is any rhyme or reason as to who ends up in the good 50%.
Hi kas99. I'm new here, and have read your thread. Never thought I'd be on a forum like this, but I guess we all have that in common.
I don't have a wealth of knowledge to offer other than what we all know. Take things one day at a time and focus on the things we have control over. Whatever the outcome is, you made some very good points about what you need to do for yourself and that is something you do have control over.
My favorite number is 3. Thought I'd share that
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Canbird I'd like to say I never thought I'd be here but that would be a lie. I've screwed up a lot over the 28 years we've been married. He ran out of patience, I got a job and he ended it. I'd been a homemaker for 15 years so the job was necessary.
I have hope because he thought leaving would solve all his problems. That he'd be happier without me and while that might be true he didn't count on our kids disowning him. It's possible he will save himself over them and that's his choice. He won't come back for them but he might be willing to try again because of them. What he doesn't know is his window of opportunity with our 16 year old is slim. Look up INFJ door slam. She's already moving on (not talking to him or seeing him) but is willing to forgive him if he makes an effort to fix this. At some point that door will close and I will factor that into what I do. Our other kids aren't like her. She's overly sensitive and I won't put her through any more trauma. R is brutal enough but doing that after he's been gone a year? No. Our other kids will just go back and forth like millions of other kids whose parents split up. They will adapt. She won't.
I'm working hard to heal but it won't take a year. I'm not that screwed up since I got a new med that fixed my depression. I say give me 4-6 months tops.
Here is what messes with my head. School is out, our son graduated high school, I felt free because I wouldn't have to see him until we moved. Won't be until another 2 years for another graduation. Day before last he came here and needed to see our youngest. Ok. He said send her out. Got it. What I didn't know was that she was in the shower. I texted him back and told him this. 2 seconds later he knocked on the door. Drat. Just go away already. Later he texted me to give an update. Um you fired me right? I didn't answer.
Haven't talked to him in 2 weeks. He kept texting to ask if he could mow the grass which is great and all but it felt like a no win situation. If I say "ok" I'm upset (true - long story). If I say "thanks" it's manipulative which it is. I tried expressing appreciation but it was a lie. I don't appreciate it. I don't appreciate any of this. Like someone else told me this is now a business transaction. If this were a business transaction I would end this which I did. I told him I appreciate it but he could just mow the yard without asking permission. That was the end of that and I'm happy with it.
He mowed the yard yesterday (while I wasn't there) without asking me first. That's good. He then came IN the house. He hasn't done that in 3 months. It's like I have the plague and my germs are everywhere. Yes it bothers me. I feel like this was a temperature check until he finds another reason to text me. People here say it's not because it's been 2 weeks. He could have found a reason to contact me which is true.
Overall I know none of this matters. Can't trust anything he says and half of what he does. He still hasn't file despite him wanting this to be done quickly.
