I had a pretty good day yesterday. I still had trouble focusing on work, but I played tennis for an hour and a half yesterday. I burned a ton of calories, and I feel that I am in the best shape I have been in a long time. I still have a lot more weight to lose, but I am seeing results.
I still question whether my situation is different than a lot of people here. My wife and I get along very well together. We cook dinner with each other every night, and we talk a lot. But the BD did drop, and I don't see the R improving. So, I know that things aren't right. I bet all of us here drive ourselves crazy trying to convince ourselves that our situation is different. No matter what, I need to find happiness for myself. I will keep taking steps every day to do this. What a slog!
I still question whether my situation is different than a lot of people here. My wife and I get along very well together. We cook dinner with each other every night, and we talk a lot. But the BD did drop, and I don't see the R improving. So, I know that things aren't right. I bet all of us here drive ourselves crazy trying to convince ourselves that our situation is different. No matter what, I need to find happiness for myself. I will keep taking steps every day to do this. What a slog!
My sitch was just like that. Except for the cooking every night. Regardless, it doesn't matter what your sitch is like. GAL, detaching (please Google self-differentiation in marriage as this is the healthy way to be in an R even if it is a good R, as codependency is always a bad thing), and 180ing on bad behavior.
My sitch didn't improve until I started doing that well and consistent.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I still question whether my situation is different than a lot of people here. My wife and I get along very well together. We cook dinner with each other every night, and we talk a lot. But the BD did drop, and I don't see the R improving. So, I know that things aren't right. I bet all of us here drive ourselves crazy trying to convince ourselves that our situation is different. No matter what, I need to find happiness for myself. I will keep taking steps every day to do this. What a slog!
You are right, a lot of LBS's do think their sitch is unique and they use that as an excuse to do things they shouldn't (especially pursuit behavior). It is true that every sitch is unique in some ways, but by and large there are a lot of similarities and there's hardly ever a sitch where DB'ing doesn't apply or doesn't improve things with time.
My XW and I got along great after BD, to the point that I often wondered if BD was a fluke and she had changed her mind. We continued having sex, doing kid events together (sporting events and such), having meals together, etc. But every time I temp checked it was just a big slap in the face that nothing had changed for her and she was still full steam ahead on S and D. The only thing that helped delay it was when I STOPPED the temp checks!
Good morning all. Boy I hate counselors. I went to my IC yesterday # and she almost tried to convince me just to give up on my marriage. If I am getting that, after all she knows about how much I love my wife and want to save my marriage, I can only imagine the advice my wife is getting from her therapist. I have my MC session coming up, and I hate these. I feel like I just sit there and here over and over again a distorted version of our marriage and how she fell out of love with me. I know you guys recommend stopping MC, but do you have any advice for getting the most out of MC?
Dear Lord, I pray that you open my wife's heart to my love. I know that she is struggling and knows that this is not the best thing for our kids. Please talk to her Lord and guide her to keep our beautiful family in tact.
Lord, please give me the strength, discipline and wisdom to do the right things to save my marriage. You know how much I love her and my kids Lord. Please work a miracle for me.
Lord, every day I try to turn this situation over to you to handle, but I struggle to do so. On one hand, I know that this is her issue that she needs to work through. On the other hand, I keep trying to win back her love, blame myself for everything that I could have done better as a husband. Lord, please take this situation over from me. Allow me to give it to you for you to do your work. Allow me to have peace.
Lord, please allow me to feel your love. I know that you are walking beside me in this journey, but I so very much want to feel the arms of my loving Father wrapped around me. My suffering is so oppressive Lord, please dive me comfort. Please help me to end the sadness.
Lord, my wife might have a job opportunity, and I think it might be great for her to get out of the house into the working world again. Please Lord, if this is the best thing for her and our marriage, please help her to pursue this opportunity. She is struggling with it. I am trying to be supportive, because I think she needs to stop being a SAHM.
Lord, please look after my job. I don't want to have the additional stress of needing to find a new job in the middle of the turmoil I am already going through.
Lord, please be with our counselors during our counseling sessions. Please give them the wisdom necessary to help the two of us and save our marriage. I know that you hate divorce. Please use these counselors the best you can to help us reconcile.
Lord, please be with everyone on this forum who are struggling every day with the most heartbreaking of situations. If I have learned anything from this experience, it is the great amount of suffering that so many people are going through as relationships break down. I know you hate divorce Lord, and I see the scars here. Please put your arms around us all. Let us feel your presence and comfort. We and our spouses need your love Lord. We need your wisdom and guidance. Please be with us.
Boy I hate counselors. I went to my IC yesterday # and she almost tried to convince me just to give up on my marriage.
Most traditional IC's and MC's are just divorce facilitators. You should look for a new IC that is more compatible with your interests.
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I feel like I just sit there and here over and over again a distorted version of our marriage and how she fell out of love with me. I know you guys recommend stopping MC, but do you have any advice for getting the most out of MC?
You're not going to get anything out of it. That stuff that you hate sitting there hearing is all you will ever hear as long as you keep going. This is your W's mindset now and it's not going to change for a long time, and definitely not until after you can remove all pressure from her, and MC is just another form of pressure. You've got to quit doing what YOU want (desperately trying to save the M) and start doing what SHE wants (give her time and space and quit pressuring her about the M). We always tell people not to drag a WAS into MC but they think they know better. They think it'll result in a miracle transformation, that their WAS will see the light and suddenly decide to work on the M. It just never happens. You need to save the MC for when she eventually has a change of heart, and you will know when she does.
Destroyd, in my case, MC became essentially IC for me with my wife there. She seemed very receptive to that. As I owned my issues, and worked through the whys, and talked about changes I was making to remedy it. I think I mentioned this before. If you can work with the MC to go that route it might be better. I would fire any IC that was not promarriage. That's just me. I tell people all the time to not settle for a C, find one that works. IE shop around.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Another, I am not dragging my W to MC. She is the one asking for it. That is what makes this difficult. She seems to like going. But, I do agree with you that I don't think it is helping, and I am doubtful that it is going to help. I completely agree with you, but at the same time, I am scared that if I tell her that we should stop, she will use that as a reason to fast forward a D decision. I DO NOT WANT THAT!!!! There has been no mention of divorce, just talking around the edges of the topic. She has never said, I want a divorce.
