I wish people who posted here would come back and give the rest of the story. You read these long threads and then it just ends. Did they divorce and no need to come back? Probable reason I guess.
People come here because they are confused and spinning and don't know what to do. Eventually they regain control of their life and no longer feel the need for the support system here so they quietly drop off. Sometimes we will hear back a year or two later and many of those people that drop off the radar do end up reconciling later. Some end up divorced, and some end up with the WAS begging them to take them back but they no longer want them. We can't predict your outcome but the beauty of DB'ing is if you embrace it and follow the principals then you will end up a winner no matter whether you reconcile or not.
Steve I've known my husband for 30 years. I'm on new meds (something has changed). He said he would consider trying again he just needed time. As much as I'd love to have him home I have to admit I need time too. I'm not well enough (yet) to be a good wife. I know this. I've changed a lot in 2 months and imagine I will continue to surprise myself. I make mistakes and I learn from them. My gut says he will try again...at least once to avoid regret. Now if I wasn't on new meds that would be a big fat NO. He said to me "how do I know things won't go back to the way they were?" I won't put my life on hold though. I've got kids to take care of. This just [censored].
Hope I'm learning to rely on myself. It's hard but yes rewarding I will say that. I look around the house, at my kids, at myself and I think...I did this. On my own.
Another stander I need to buy the book. There are several which one is good to start with?
One more thing. I am not very patient. I've read everything online probably 5 times (I'm a researcher). I'm generalizing here. Many separations last 4-6 months before trying to reconcile. This timeline feels right given our situation. He's not the type of man to sit around for 1-2 years in limbo. Once he calms down and is able to make a rational decision he will make it. I've known him for 30 years and I can't just unknow that.
I think you are going to have to be even more patient than you might imagine. My H is about the most decisive person I know. We're now 9 months post BD and him moving out, and really I don't see this resolving either way any time soon. There just is no average timeline, it takes as long as it takes unless you're willing to go for D. I too would have said there's no way my H would be waiting this long but these things are super complicated and you need a lot of time for things to calm down and to reconnect. I say to my IC that our M took decades to get to this point and you can't expect to repair it in a short timeframe. Patience gets easier the longer you wait in a way, acceptance is key here. I used to count the months which had gone past and get anxious about how long it had been. Now I count the months and shrug my shoulders and think there could be more to come. In the meantime you just need to live your life and work on yourself.
when you consider the nature of these situations, I doubt there is much good date out there. I wouldn't even worry about those timelines. You should make your own timeline called be the best you and live life to the fullest every day. The timeline starts now.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thing is we are in a rental house and the lease is up November 1 and he’s living in our camper. There isn’t anyone else. He’s sick as a dog and miserable. My kids told me this. He’s not happy. He might be couch surfing too but he can’t get his own place until we move out of the rental house. Neither of us can afford it. He pays all my bills and gives me plenty of spending money. This is just the oddest arrangement. We’ve discussed us moving once the lease is up. If he does that then we’re done. 5 months. Five. 7 total by this time.
It would be cruel to uproot our 3 kids unless he was 100% sure this is what he wants. There is no house to sell we can move in October.
October/November is still a long way away. Protect yourself financially as much as you can and get on with your life and look after your kids. That's all you can do right now. He sounds miserable and not in a state to be relying on to make sensible decisions, TBH.
He could keep the status quo going indefinitely I guess. That means I’m in limbo whether I like it or not. I have zero choice but to wait. I can’t move because I can’t afford it on my own. We’ve agreed on a settlement that will allow me the basics of life. I could file but I won’t. If he stopped paying I would have to take him to court of course but I don’t have to file.
Please tell me I’m not the one going nuts from not knowing. I’m 99.99% sure he hasn’t filed. He wanted this yesterday. Unless he needs financial records that I have it’s a what a 2 page hey I want a divorce thing?
Hi Kas, you are not nuts, it's a very hard thing to stand during limbo. What everyone on here will tell you is to GAL (get a life). Focus on you and the kids, detach, take care of yourself. Read the first post you wrote with all the links until you get your book. Read some other stories here and see what has worked for them/not worked and implement what you know to be good for you and your sitch.
You will not go crazy if you take one day at a time. Thinking out and making a plan with a WAH is like trying to build a sandcastle in a rainstorm. Pointless. Try and do the best you can with what you can control. YOU. That's it right now. As you focus on what you can do, you will feel your self-control grow and confidence build. When it comes closer, you can start to explore your housing options, but right now if you zero in on that, you have the chance to spin out of control in your brain. It's too much. It's a ways off.
Take a deep breath and figure out what you absolutely MUST do today to take care of yourself and kids. I'm sorry you are here, but you are definitely not alone.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
