You said the D is final? Why is she still there? What was the agreement for living arrangements? I'd ask her: "When will you be moving out?" Is she can't afford to keep the current place and pay the bills then it is on her to find some place she can afford.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You said the D is final? Why is she still there? What was the agreement for living arrangements? I'd ask her: "When will you be moving out?" Is she can't afford to keep the current place and pay the bills then it is on her to find some place she can afford.
She is still there because I told her she can stay for longer so the kids are in the same house. She said she will pay me a small portion of the expenses. Not much but with the D every extra single cent is helpful to me given alimony, child support and attorney fees. She will move out if I ask her to but then reconnection becomes harder.
What I would like help with is input on whether to try and stay in the house together and continue to DB is better or separating. At this point I am accepting that it is her journey. She is not crossing any boundaries and I dont mind her being in the house as a roommate. If in the future I decide I dont want to stand I can ask her to move. But there have to be some downsides and I would like some input on that. One friend said separate houses is the best path to reconnecting but I am not sure.
What you describe does not sound like DB'ing. It sounds like cake eating.
She fired you as her H.
There is a difference between standing for your R, and letting your XW get her way by staying in the house and "playing family.". You are still chasing, you are justifying yourself that it is okay because it helps financially. Unless you accept and understand that you are making decisions driven by your desire to reconnect, you are not DB'ing.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
If in the future I decide I dont want to stand I can ask her to move.
How does asking her to move mean you are not standing? One could argue by letting her live in the house you are not standing. You are not letting her go.
Listen, I make these mistakes all the time, I'm not trying to judge you. This stuff is awful. You are focusing on reconnection as a goal. THAT is the problem. Think about YOU. Maybe your W had complaints about you, and you can work on changing those things, but those also should not be your sole focus.
I'm concerned you are falling into the emotional codependency trap of looking to your W to feel better about yourself. I'm fighting that fight myself.
No apology needed. I want honest feedback to knock sense into me given the emotions attached to this
Originally Posted by unchien
MLCxH -
What you describe does not sound like DB'ing. It sounds like cake eating.
My DB continues. I did not fight the D and I am detaching. This is a decision I am trying to make without emotions
Originally Posted by unchien
MLCxH -
She fired you as her H.
There is a difference between standing for your R, and letting your XW get her way by staying in the house and "playing family.".
I am not playing family with her. I am playing family with the kids. I get to see them everyday and will have very less time with them once she moves out
Originally Posted by unchien
MLCxH -
How does asking her to move mean you are not standing?
As I detach more I am less motivated to stand for the MR. If she moves out and I get used to less time with the kids I will likely move on with my life
Originally Posted by unchien
MLCxH -
I'm concerned you are falling into the emotional codependency trap of looking to your W to feel better about yourself. I'm fighting that fight myself.
Yes, there are emotions attached with saving the family but no emotions for W herself. It is a practical decision for me regarding kids and finances. I will be subletting the home to a roommate and I get to coparent. But I am still standing for the marriage for the kids so I want to figure out if this helps with reconnection or makes it worse. Just trying to learn from the vets experience so that I can make an informed decision
MLCxH, I completely understand wanting to do everything to spend more time with your children. I keep thinking how evil it is that a spouse could even consider stealing your kids away from the other parent for 50% or more of the time. The time for raising children is so short, and one of the most precious duties a person can have. So, whether or not it is proper DBing, I completely understand how you feel.
What I would like help with is input on whether to try and stay in the house together and continue to DB is better or separating. At this point I am accepting that it is her journey. She is not crossing any boundaries and I dont mind her being in the house as a roommate. If in the future I decide I dont want to stand I can ask her to move. But there have to be some downsides and I would like some input on that. One friend said separate houses is the best path to reconnecting but I am not sure.
It is very unusual for a couple to reconcile after BD while living under the same roof. Most recons don't happen until after a lengthy separation. As long as she remains under your roof as a roommate nothing is likely to ever change. You will be stuck like that indefinitely. I'm not saying to kick her out, that's your choice to make. Just trying to answer your question on what to expect.
MLCxH, I completely understand wanting to do everything to spend more time with your children. I keep thinking how evil it is that a spouse could even consider stealing your kids away from the other parent for 50% or more of the time. The time for raising children is so short, and one of the most precious duties a person can have. So, whether or not it is proper DBing, I completely understand how you feel.
Thanks! Without kids in the picture my decision would be so much easier
What I would like help with is input on whether to try and stay in the house together and continue to DB is better or separating. At this point I am accepting that it is her journey. She is not crossing any boundaries and I dont mind her being in the house as a roommate. If in the future I decide I dont want to stand I can ask her to move. But there have to be some downsides and I would like some input on that. One friend said separate houses is the best path to reconnecting but I am not sure.
It is very unusual for a couple to reconcile after BD while living under the same roof. Most recons don't happen until after a lengthy separation. As long as she remains under your roof as a roommate nothing is likely to ever change. You will be stuck like that indefinitely. I'm not saying to kick her out, that's your choice to make. Just trying to answer your question on what to expect.
Thank you! This is the feedback I was looking for. If things wont change with her as a roommate it gives me reasons to reduce the cake eating by asking her to share more expenses or other things even if I don't kick her out. I wanted to know this because when I make demands to reduce the cake eating she may pack up and leave herself and I wanted to be sure that her leaving was the right thing and not feel guilty that I messed up later.
I may still let her cake eat for the sake of the kids but I want to take steps to reduce the cake eating rather than stay with the status quo.
Any other feedback is appreciated since this is a hard step for me. Good news is once I take the step it will be another big step and there is no turning back or second guessing
I went dark and stopped responding to W's messages. After the first day she has now gone dark in return and there has been no communication the last two days. I thought going dark would help me detach more but it only seems to bring up more emotions and I have been trying to understand what is happening in her head the past two days. I have not shown her any emotions but privately by detachment has taken two steps backward.
