That sounds like a lot of fun. Ever since I was a kid I wanted a remote control airplane. Maybe I will try that. I used to have a string plane when I was a kid.
I'm sorry you are dealing with loneliness. It can be challenging finding GAL activities but I've been trying everything suggested to me until something sticks. That in itself has been a GAL activity....finding a GAL activity.
Podcasts work for me in the car so I don't get hit with a song bomb! I listen to sermons every morning and that has been a lifeline for me.
It's ok if nothing sounds like fun. Start small if you have to, just find something that doesn't make you want to barf and try it. I was putting so much pressure on myself that I was waiting until something sounded awesome, when I really needed to just try anything. In the meantime, I've found that focusing on my S17 has been the best for me. They grow up fast and time spent with them is never wasted.
Keep your head up.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Thank you for all of the GAL suggestions. I think part of my problem is that I am trying to find activities that will impress my wife. That is probably stupid, but it seemed to me that these key 180s. But I need to just make myself happy first.
If there is one good thing that has come from this, it is I have become much more empathetic. I see that so many people are suffering, so many good people are suffering. Divorce really is the worst thing that individuals can go through. The abandonment by a loved one is just torture to a human soul. I hope that this experience will make me a better human and Christian.
For the first four months after the BD, I did a great job in losing weight and exercising. Then, I started to gain my appetite back. I have lost 50 pounds so far, but I need to lose 40 more. I need to get serious about getting back on track. I know that this goes against the DB philosophy, but I need to do this to re-attract my wife. On the other hand, it is a pretty good GAL activity. I know I shouldn't be doing this for her, and in part I am just doing it for myself. But I know in my heart that she is my motivation. But I am focused on making myself the motivation. I need to love me. I need to find me again. I need to care about me.
I have been listening to and reading a lot of marriage help books. Boy, do I regret not reading these before the BD. Now, I just cry over what I should have done. I do not believe that I am the main cause of this breakdown in the MR. I strongly believe that it is her, but that doesn't stop the regret. I couldn't make the most important person in my life happy. I pray that won't haunt me the rest of my life. I know I am unhealthily dependent on her love. I don't know why. I will keep working with my therapist to end this dependency. I will love myself again.
I hate sharing with this forum how bad I am at the DBing. But I will be honest with everyone. I will not lie. I know that my terrible DBing frustrates many of you, and I feel like I am letting myself down and you down. But I will be honest. AND I WILL KEEP WORKING TO IMPROVE MYSELF. And for that, I am thankful to everyone on this forum.
It is only frustrating because we know you could be so much more at peace if you let go of the rope, concentrated on GAL and detachment, and really just become the best person and man you can be. She'll either take notice.... Or she won't. That isn't in your control. But by realizing that and letting go of control you realize that you can and will thrive. No matter what.
Think about how you'd move on if your wife were to die. You realize that you'd have work to do and things to take care of for yourself and your kids to move forward. We can't control what happens but we can control how we handle ourselves in the aftermath.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Losing weight and getting in shape to become more attractive is not against DB philosophy at all. No worries there. You are doing it to be attractive, not just attractive to her though (whether or not you realize it). I would not worry about being "bad at DB". You just got started, so it's actually called a "starting point". Keep working, no one is perfect.
Now get yourself back out in the world and get busy living.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I know that this goes against the DB philosophy, but I need to do this to re-attract my wife. On the other hand, it is a pretty good GAL activity.
That's OK, you don't just flip a switch and are suddenly doing everything for you rather than your W. It's more like a rheostat that you slowly turn up over time. We mention a lot to be patient with your W, but it's just as important to be patient with yourself.
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I know I shouldn't be doing this for her, and in part I am just doing it for myself. But I know in my heart that she is my motivation. But I am focused on making myself the motivation. I need to love me. I need to find me again. I need to care about me.
Yes exactly. BD is one heck of a blow to one's self-esteem. It takes a while to build that back up again.
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I have been listening to and reading a lot of marriage help books. Boy, do I regret not reading these before the BD. Now, I just cry over what I should have done.
It's normal to go through a "regret" phase. At the end of the day you will be better prepared for your next R though, whether it's with your W or someone else. The LBS's here usually emerge a much stronger, more independent person with clearer values and more sensitivity to their partner's needs. The WAS? Yeah not so much.
I will comment later. On lunch, I can relate to all of you. Simply put guys, its like this, maybe not immediately, but eventually you will get so fed up of the compulsive thinking, the worrying, the emotional instability, the limbo, the moving, the petty arguments and perception differences, the petty division of lifestyles, difference differences in thinking, justifying, etc, that you eventually will have no more Fu@k$ left to give. You will slowly start to regain your sense of self doing things independently by yourself and for yourself, you will change for yourself and your thinking will change too and you will be happier for it because you're not constantly feeling all these emotional inconsistencies. This in its essence is dropping the rope. You won't care what she does what she thinks or how she perceives you.
You will eventually stop dwelling on the past, letting go of guilt and regrets, pick your @$$ up by the boot straps, and keep moving forward with logic on what is right for you. Emotions and feelings will occasionally resurface and you will have to deal with them process them and then turn off. Not push it down but turn it off and get back to current reality.
It is almost as if the only way to reattract them is by accident. You no longer matter to them, so they no longer matter to you. There is absolutely nothing you can do to convince, talk them through it, or change their minds they have to do it for them for what they see and what they value or what they don't value. Let them go and start planning your life and your future. All the manipulatuve BS that they impose in us, and don't even realize they're doing it, using children as leverage, cake eating, Tit for Tat tectonic thinking, trying to play family when separated. Its not worth the stress or the emotional discontention. Cut them lose. Trust me you will feel much better when you start negotiating I'm taking actions on things on your own terms.
According to everyone here they most likely will not see their regrets until years later, and by then the LBS has already walked away. Give them their space in their freedom and open the cage door and let them go. We all deserve a life where someone wants us whether it is W or some one else.
Steve, Ovr and Another, thank you all so much for your support. It is amazing that there is the group of people who are supporting each other and total strangers. Thank you.
Destroyd, i know one of the tendencies we as LBSs have is to ask: "WHy is she doing this?"
I know that question popped into my mind in the hours and days following BD. Especially us LBHs we think if can get a why....then we can fix it. Like a car? Why is it making that noise? If we can figure out the why, then we can fix it.
But here is deal. Likely she doesn't even know why she is doing it. WAS are emotionally driven creatures. "I feel right this minute I should do X." Five minutes later: "I feel right this minute I should do Y."
I found another anti-divorce author (not MWD) that said that if you look at it from the WAS's standpoint it is very simple. They are unhappy, either about something we were doing or not doing, or for some other reason. (We had one poster here from Great Britain for a while whose WAW had flaked out over the Brexit eletion!) But the key was understanding that they were trying to find happiness.
A lot of posters come here convinced their WAS is having a "Midlife Crisis". However, the worst thing you can do is say that to them. Because they wouldn't categorize it like that at all. It isn't a crisis to them. From their perspective they've never been thinking more clearly! To them it is an awakening! An epiphany. Whether it is based in fact or fiction, they feel like they've been unhappy for years, and suddenly the answers to their unhappiness is clear to them.
In my sitch, as conflicted as my W was about should she stay or should she go, one thing was clear to here almost all of the time until near the end right before she decided to R: staying would mean she remained miserable, and leaving would mean that should would leave healthily and happily. I do not think any of that was true, but that her perception. And a person' perception is their reality.
I am a very devout Christian. I pray a lot and did so through my sitch too. One thing I never prayed for was for God to change her mind. God doesn't mess with free will. What I did prayed for was for, if it was possible, for something to help her see things differently. And for wisdom and understanding for me no matter what she ultimately decided. The temptation is to pray for God to "make her do this" or "make her do that". It is never going to happen that way.
As much as you hate what your W is doing, try to understand that it is her trying to be happy. Obviously you wish she tried a different way, but ultimately it is for her to decide. After all, our happiness here is our own responsibility, not anyone else's. Including God's. God never promised us happiness in this life. In fact, he sent his Son for 1 reason. To die on the cross for the remission of all our sins! So God leaves it up to us to find our own happiness. And we can do that when we focus on the right things no matter what happens around us. As a Christian you know the story of Peter walking on the water. As long as Peter was focused on Christ, he walked on the water. Only the second person after Jesus to do that. When he let the raging wind and sea and howling storm divert his attention, that is when he began to sink.
Keep your focus on Christ. And you will overcome!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
