I have been consumed by fear, thats for sure... Fear that if I left go, he would never come back... Fear that, If I didn't show him I cared, he would never come back, fear that if I got on with my life I would fall our of love with him and not have him in my life anymore...The fear of letting go is very difficult to get my head around... Can I ask, He has been very apologetic, telling me I deserve better, I have done nothing wrong, he wants me to be happy....etc.....Crying on Saturday over what he is doing to me... but he cant help it... Loves me but not in love... or does he even know how to deal with his pain and come back..As a general rule he has not been nasty verbally to me, his actions have definitely been nasty! I am just trying trying to understand.......If this is even possible...
I have not posted in a few weeks, but read posts everyday and find all of your advice so helpful ... Not much has changed with my H.. He is still living away, very little contact and he is still ''happy with his decision''... So I saw my therapist last Monday and we spoke about me drawing a line in the sand and basically start looking after myself (no kids)..That evening I text my H, and asked to meet, he had said a few weeks ago that it was unfair to be ''dragging this out, especially on me''... He is so considerate!!(NOT!)... So I took the bull by the horns and decided to instigate a meeting to stop dragging this out (I used his words).....Told him that it was unfair on me...I NEED TO REGAIN SOME POWER!!! I got a reply a few hours later, totally blasay, saying that it would have to be next week as he was busy this week!it was a cold, emotionless reply.... I thought long and hard about my reply... I simply said that we were not to meet at our home and we would have to meet on a day when we were both off... I was very direct in my reply.. He replied straight away... bit taken aback I think... That it would have to be Saturday week if I wanted a day we were both off ( he is busy this weekend, obviously away with OW!!)... I feel at this point, he does not want to work on fixing the marriage, he is happy having the fun life and having the OW as his ''distraction'' as he called her and that is so casual!!He is has been pulling all the strings and keeping me in limbo... When I think how he left me and literally jumped into bed with another woman, 2 weeks after I miscarried.. I get so angry....He thinks this behaviour is okay!!He is not the same person, but I cant get this OW out of my head.. Is he happier with her, do they have more fun together etc... It breaks my heart.... I am detaching and instigating this meeting is my way of saying I am not tolerating this anymore and if he wants to live the single life, I will not stand in his way...
I just need some of your thoughts and opinions.. Was I right to instigate this meeting, I know I had to do this in order to move on for myself....Help me to get this OW out of my thoughts she is after all who he wants to be with these days!!!
I am reading ''Co dependent no more'' and I find it great....,
If you are at the point of being done, why meet and talk to him? What good can come out of that?
So no, I do not think you are right to instigate the meeting. If you really are done with him then there is only one thing to do:
File for D.
My guess is that you will recoil from that advice because a) you are not ready and b) your wanting to meet with him was another effort to get him to change his mind.
As far as OW, why are you allowing her to have control over you? Here is the thing. She is meaningless. She doesn't matter. If it wasn't her it would have been another woman. So she just doesn't matter. She only has the control over him that HE gives her. So this is all on him. Now, your issue is the same. why are you allowing her, through him, to have control over you like this? Don't waste another moment of thought on her. She isn't the problem.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I totally agree with you about the OW... I know she is meaningless, that she is a 'Band Aid''...I'm going through all these processes..and I suppose I needed others opinions on it...
As for meeting him again, I think it is for me, to give me the power to say you know what i'm calling it a day, not you...I've become the stronger person... He cant dictate all the rules in this... Maybe it is totally selfish maybe not... maybe he wont give a crap at this time, but in time,when he does reflect on what he has lost.. He will remember our conversation when I say to him I deserve better treatment and that I am in a good place,looking forward and not back.. its kinda like an ''up yours''' type of scenario!
I totally agree with you about the OW... I know she is meaningless, that she is a 'Band Aid''...I'm going through all these processes..and I suppose I needed others opinions on it...
As for meeting him again, I think it is for me, to give me the power to say you know what i'm calling it a day, not you...I've become the stronger person... He cant dictate all the rules in this... Maybe it is totally selfish maybe not... maybe he wont give a crap at this time, but in time,when he does reflect on what he has lost.. He will remember our conversation when I say to him I deserve better treatment and that I am in a good place,looking forward and not back.. its kinda like an ''up yours''' type of scenario!
You tell him you are calling it a day by having him served with D papers. Everything else is just words. Meeting him and telling him that won't mean anything. If you file for D then he will know you are calling it a day.
ACTIONS not WORDS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As for meeting him again, I think it is for me, to give me the power to say you know what i'm calling it a day, not you...I've become the stronger person... He cant dictate all the rules in this... Maybe it is totally selfish maybe not... maybe he wont give a crap at this time, but in time,when he does reflect on what he has lost.. He will remember our conversation when I say to him I deserve better treatment and that I am in a good place,looking forward and not back.. its kinda like an ''up yours''' type of scenario!
I 100% agree with Steve, you do this through ACTIONS, not words. If you are done then you are done, why meet to tell him? He's ALREADY done with you, and already had a "meeting" with you to tell you that. So all he'll do is shrug his shoulders and walk out. It'll just look needy and desperate to him. You can SHOW him you are done by going dark on him. No chatting, no responding to texts, nothing. Sounds like you did that for a while, so time to resume it.
If he really is MLC then you've got a very long timeline ahead of you. It can take years for MLC to resolve.
And by the way, very sorry about your miscarriage. And what kind of horrible, despicable person leaves his wife TWO WEEKS after a miscarriage? Unbelievable. When I read stories like yours I just wonder why anyone would want someone like that back, but the heart wants what it wants.
You are right.... It is despicable.... It is the total opposite of what he used to be!!which is why I am find this so hard to deal with... But he is what he is... He loves me just not in love with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... How frustrating...
You are right.... It is despicable.... It is the total opposite of what he used to be!!which is why I am find this so hard to deal with... But he is what he is... He loves me just not in love with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... How frustrating...
So what are you going to do? AS suggests going no contact, going dark again. And that is another choice. I suggested filing for D because you said you were calling it a day, and you already tried going dark. However, that is another option if you are not ready for filing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
At this point in time, I'm confused..... Going dark again... would it achieve anything at this point... I am young (well youngish) nearly 39... Do I really want to spend more time waiting for a man who may never see what he had and let go of... It is such a confusing time.....I definitely feel numb, when I think of H... Not sure where my feelings are for him, only that I want all this to end.....Dealing with failed IVF's is one thing... Dealing with a miscarriage and then a MLC husband is another....He is showing all the MLC signs.. but i am not sure, maybe he is just an Ass...
