I am so glad that I found this group. I have been struggling for so long. As the title of my post says, I am heartbroken and struggling.
Over a year ago, the most important person in my life told me that she was unhappy with certain things in our marriage. Then at the end of 2018, she told me that she loves me, but is not in love with me and doesn't know if we can fix our relationship. I was totally blindsided that she didn't love me. I was also blindsided that we were having serious marriage problems. I always thought that we had a good marriage. We have three beautiful children and have been married for 22 years. Now we are in marriage counseling.
I have been really struggling since the beginning of this year. I have lost 50 pounds and am suffering from depression. I am crying about an hour or two a day where I am leaving work and driving around crying. Once I get home, I act as if nothing is wrong, because I don't want my kids to know about our marriage problems.
My wife and I get along really well. We almost never fight, never have during our marriage. We have almost no relationship talks outside of counseling sessions. I think she is going through a midlife crisis, and she is rewriting the history of our relationship. She says she has been unhappy for a long time, but I sure didn't know it.
So that is my situation. Please pray for me and my family. I try to turn this over to God, but I haven't been able to do it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry to read your so familiar story. You have found a great place for support.
This is all about you and your personal growth. We grow during the difficult periods of our lives. Take all your focus off of your wife and put it on you and your children.
Start by understand what is attractive to woman. Then become attractive. Start here:
I had an absolute terrible marriage counseling session today. I have tried to make so many 180s, but I have not made any progress in winning back my wife's love. I know this shouldn't be my expectation from the advice on this site, but it is so counterintuitive.
I love my wife and kids so much. I just don't want my family destroyed.
During the counseling session she said that she has been unhappy and lonely for so many years and is just done. I never in a million years would have thought that she has been this unhappy. I have always thought we got along really well. Sure, there were reoccurring problems by both of us, but not to the extent that I thought our marriage was in trouble. PLEASE GOD HELP ME.
A person in an emergency (say a flood) who gets a message from God that he will rescue them. They wait on top of the roof of their house for rescue and refuse the help of three different services offering rescue. When they get to heaven they complain to God that he promised to rescue them and did not do it. What does God say? I sent you the Red Cross, then the police boat, then your neighbors…and you wouldn’t go with any of them!
This place is the top of the roof and the people posting to you are ..... the ones he is sending.
Thanks Cadet. I really struggle with the DBing. It goes completely against my personality, but I am trying.
I read here that you have to start doing what you want to do and living the life you want to live. My problem is that I have lost myself. I don't know what I want out of life. I always thought that I wanted a loving family of 5 who I could come home to after a hard day's work and enjoy them. Now this life is being turned upside down, and I have no control over it. Somehow, I need to find myself in all of this mess.
MC sessions are pretty much just a place for the WAS to vent.
I am so sorry you are in this position Destroyd. Its a very hurtful and hard thing to deal with. Its ok that you cry and you allow yourself to be emotional. Don't bottle that up. Nothing is wrong with that.
Just remember, now its time to focus on yourself. Focus on your kids. Time to better yourself. Stop taking action trying to save your MR. Take action to better yourself for yourself and your kids. Your W may see this or she may not. But in the end you will be a much better person.
My MR did not survive. I am in the final stage of moving on with my life. I am moving out of our dream house on June 1st. I am very sad, but I know that I am the best I can be. I know that my future will be bright because I decided that it will be.
I will not let what my EXWW did to our family hold me back one bit. I will not allow her justifications interfere with my life.
This is a true test of yourself as a person. I was married for 18 years. 22 year relationship total with my EXWW. I have known nothing else besides living with my EXWW and my kids. Being a father and a husband was all I knew and I was good at it. I had my failures but I addressed them.
Take it one day at a time. Detach yourself from your WAS. Sit down and make small goals for yourself and for your kids. What are you going to do today that will better yourself and make you happy? What are you going to do today to make your kids happy?
One day at a time. Thats it. Small steps, slow progress. You got this.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thanks Cadet. I really struggle with the DBing. It goes completely against my personality, but I am trying.
I read here that you have to start doing what you want to do and living the life you want to live. My problem is that I have lost myself. I don't know what I want out of life. I always thought that I wanted a loving family of 5 who I could come home to after a hard day's work and enjoy them. Now this life is being turned upside down, and I have no control over it. Somehow, I need to find myself in all of this mess.
Understanding that you have no control is a good, first step. This IS out of your control It takes two to make a marriage, only 1 to get a divorce. So, yes, if your W wants to you will end up D. It is time to man up, and face that as a potential reality.
So what can you control?
There is only one right answer and that is YOU! This is why the advice here is to go out and GAL. Like a madman. You should be rediscovering old hobbies you've ignored. You should be meeting new friends and trying new things. You should be going out and finding yourself, just as you say!
But you need to work on detachment. Please study what that is. You need to be emotionally in control around your W. No crying, begging, pleading. No walking around being sad, and withdrawn. But upbeat. Pleased. Confident. Even happy! Detachment is about controlling your emotions and getting to a new emotional balance. And think about it, no one should have control over your emotions, not even your W!
You mention 180s. I am afraid you are probably 180ing in the wrong ways. We all do that at first. 180s are about self-improvement, They are not about becoming a maid for your W. Or following her around professing your love. That stuff may have worked pre-BD, now they make you look sad and pathetic. Wives lose attraction for their Hs because they lose respect for their Hs. Doing her dishes, laundry, clothes washing will not cause her to respect you. Following her around like a lost puppy dog, professing your love and being sad over what she is doing to you will not cause her to respect you. So do things that command respect, and attraction will follow.
Find that alpha. Even in your posts I am detected an omega. Be an alpha. Go out and GAL. Take care of yourself and your needs.
Oh, and one thing that I would HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY suggest it to stop the MC. Today go to her confidently, not angrily or sadly, and say:
"I do not think MC is effective for me. However, I feel that I need to work on myself so I am going to stop MC and start IC."
Do not ask if you should. Just state it that you have already made the decision. Become that alpha male that is decisive, and interested in self improvement.
Now Destroyd, I am going to give you one of the things I learned in the first week after my BD that changed my outlook. It is a simple catch phrase that is very deep in its meaning and wisdom:
"Let her go to get her back."
Think about that. You can't control her. You can't stop the D. So just let go, accept it, and start to move on emotionally.
So GAL. Work on detaching. And 180 in the right, healthy ways.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
