Oh no no no.... it's not a turn, oh no.... not even close... I mean, a long long time before a possible turn. I just meant, I am hurting. I really needed.... something. I've been praying nonstop, and I'm not sure what to pray for.
That little crumb was the 1st one since this started and I wasn't going to pass on it. We are still very civil (which is soooo confusing). It was just a glimpse.
I joined a gym today, and my 1st class is Tuesday.... very excited. Planning on doing at least 4 classes a week at night. Get me out of the house, maybe even meet some new people and make new friends. I wonder if there are groups of people that meet in person..... too bad there aren't teleporters, I'd love to meet some of the people on this board.
Tonight I'll see if she sleeps in the MBR or goes back to the other bed. I start detaching and something changes and I relapse. Very hard when you truly love someone.
Sorry but here comes the rager side of me. Pack her F@$!ing bags for her and tell her to get out if she wants to leave so bad. Soloflex... Funny you should mention terrorists. I don't negotiate with terrorists. That is what has been in my mind all night.
Hahahaaha, I like you IH
I can picture a Arnold movie.... "Yeah, get out!!!! Get to de Choppa!!!! I won't be back!!!!! Yeaghhh!!!"
I was reading material on the Heroic Spouse website today..... which is very interesting...... her stages of MLC are different. Different names, different order. I'm just trying to understand all thoughts/theories.
Anyway.... she says something that is very opposite what people say here which is the need to face the "Monster". I could be wrong, but I take that to mean the R talks, or the spew. She says the "Monster" has to exhaust itself and get all that energy out so the MLC'er can get thru a phase (I'm guessing Replay?). Here we are told to GAL, cut the conversation short and get out of dodge.
I'm just curious if there's any truth to standing (totally detached and strong) and weather a full onslaught of the verbal Monster until it's powder runs dry. That means, no getting emotional, no firing back, no validation just the simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" stuff. Is there any truth to this? I'm new, I'm early, I have a long way to go. Thanks! -SoloFlex
I am on the other side now and I can see things so clearly. Your spouse has to see you as a person of value and choose you and be willing to work to keep you.
Read Accuray's posts. Reading one of his posts one day was my "aha" moment.
Moving out of the BR is a hard day. Rings off is an excruciating day. Having R talks when you dont know what is going on is a ridiculously painful day.
Once you have the tools though, you can bear these days.
Read all the MLC sources. Really try to understand the world from their viewpoint, not from your own. It will help enormously to see why some of their actions and words are so discordant.
My W was the most rational person in the world before this. Now she cant stick to one train of thought for more than a few minutes and lives in a fog.
They are suffering. They just cannot cope with how they are feeling.
Sometimes it's hard to see that because the things they do hurt us. But beginning to understand can help us (not them) get through it - regardless of the result.
Well she went back to the MBR, so she was gone for one night from it. I think it was too hard to climb into bed with me in it [sigh]. But I'm glad she's back in it.
She was pretty nice today. The door wasn't closed until she went to bed. She told me she was going to bed (that hasn't happened since this started) and she helped make dinner. Even did a couple dishes (which I thanked her for). I know it's just a day and will be gone tomorrow...... actually really gone tomorrow.... she's out on a business trip from Tuesday to Friday. Time for me to visit family, go to the gym (joined one yesterday), read and relax.
Our 21st anniversary is one week from today. I don't know to mark it or not. I don't want to cause stress. Oh!!! and tomorrow is my 1st DB call with a coach!!! They called today and scheduled it (I was amazed, today is a holiday). Tomorrow is a big day, I can't wait.
Well she went back to the MBR, so she was gone for one night from it. I think it was too hard to climb into bed with me in it [sigh]. But I'm glad she's back in it.
She was pretty nice today. The door wasn't closed until she went to bed. She told me she was going to bed (that hasn't happened since this started) and she helped make dinner. Even did a couple dishes (which I thanked her for). I know it's just a day and will be gone tomorrow...... actually really gone tomorrow.... she's out on a business trip from Tuesday to Friday. Time for me to visit family, go to the gym (joined one yesterday), read and relax.
Our 21st anniversary is one week from today. I don't know to mark it or not. I don't want to cause stress. Oh!!! and tomorrow is my 1st DB call with a coach!!! They called today and scheduled it (I was amazed, today is a holiday). Tomorrow is a big day, I can't wait.
-SoloFlex
I can't tell you what to do, but I don't know if I would mark it. For valentines day (before I knew about sandi's DB rules) I tried to get flowers for W.
Worst day of my life.
I'm aware everyone's situation is different and you might not get the same reaction I got. But my W saw it as immense pressure.
Btw - very nice! Thinking about getting a DB coach too
I just wanted to clarify something, b/c I noticed some advice you gave another newcomer....and I think it may have come after our posts speaking about prayer. You asked me if my H prayed for me during my rebellious WW period. Yes, he prayed for me, however, he did not get me and pray with, or over me. I believe intercessory prayer for a rebellious, hard-hearted spouse, should be done privately. I didn't want you to misunderstand my response when you asked about it.
One of the first things the LBS must learn is not to pursue the spouse that wants out of the M or who is wayward, etc. As being a former WW, I understand how they want to feel freedom. I honestly felt as if my H was sucking up all the air whenever he came into the room. He didn't have to say anything, it was just his presence I resented. Their strong desire for freedom is why they will usually use the script of needing space. Space = Freedom, or fairly close to it. I also believe in the H should be the primary leader for his family, including his W. However, let me explain that when a man has a rebellious, hard-hearted W or one who wants to walk away b/c he's been a bad H, or whatever.........he has to be very careful not to apply emotional pressure. She is rejecting his position of authority/leadership. I remember how almost everything my H said or did felt like pressure for me. I would immediately feel the rebellion and stubbornness rise in me. That would have especially been the case if he had tried to pray with, over me, or about me in my presence.....or even about our relationship. Yes, he could pray all he wanted in privacy, but don't go get me by the hand and pray about the sitch. If that has not been a practice throughout the M, then it is going to appear somewhat controlling on the H's part and him applying tons of pressure......at least that is how his W will see it. She won't see it as spiritual leadership for him to start this after she's informed him she's not happy and may want out of the M. I know it sounds reasonable to the Believer who wants to lead his W.........trust me, I get it. But I can't agree with that advice when dealing with a W who is rebelling against her H, their MR, etc.
Let me copy & paste the part you posted to another newcomer to show what I mean:
Quote
I'd try this: I'd ask her if she would pray with you. Get somewhere quiet, take her by both hands..... and lead the prayer. Don't be shy, and what is in there you tell God. She will hear and maybe reciprocate for the second half. Now, this is important. IF she agrees to this, you have to do it every night. Every night. No exceptions. She won't believe at first, she has to see this is real. God will do the rest. You are soooo lucky to still have a sane wife. So lucky.
First, I am not here to tell anyone how to practice their religious beliefs. I just wanted to point out how this particular situation could be seen as coercion, from her viewpoint.
It is wonderful to let other newcomers know they are not alone, and you are familiar with the pain another LBS feels. You have personal experience with that pain, whereas someone like me has not been in those shoes. I've read some of your posts where you were encouraging the other newcomer, and I wish I had some of your talent......without paying the price, if you know what I mean.
One more thing I wanted to suggest, b/c everyone doesn't read through complete threads once there are several pages worth. It is easy to miss a detail that could make a big difference in the advice. If you believe your W is having a MLC, you may need to bear in mind that the advice given for a MLC sitch, probably won't be the same advice that is commonly shared in Newcomers. From my observation over the years, the majority of LBH's in Newcomers have a wayward W....but that's JMHO. I just wanted you to remember it, if you receive advice that seems contrary to the contents of a MLC forum/site. Some newcomers seem to think every piece of advice should harmonize with what they've read or with what their counselor has said, etc. That's just not the case, and that's why people get confused about what they should do.
I hope you won't see me setting myself up as some type of critic, but rather, someone wanting to help. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
