Wife wants a divorce....

[SteveLW]

Dad, sorry you are here and welcome.

I see you already struggling with detaching and GAL because of your wife's list of complaints. We all buck against that.

Think of your marriage alike a car. If all is going well, you do the routing maintenance. Changing the oil, tuneups etc. However, if you neglect the routine maintenance you will have a breakdown. After the breakdown it is too late to do the routine maintenance, and in fact, doing the routine maintenance would be a waste of time. An oil change isn't going to fix a blown engine.

So yeah, the temptation when she makes those complaints is to "180" on those and do the opposite of what you should do. Detachment and GAL doesn't mean you can't make some improvements. For me GAL was not a problem due to my hobbies, just like you. But detaching doesn't mean ignoring or being absent, quite the opposite. It means you don't react emotionally to what she says and does. So you can detach, continue to stay active and busy, but be present and alert, when you ARE around her.

Keep reading. Keep learning. My W was very much where yours was, and I was able to turn it around and save my MR with consistent DBing. I struggled for the first 4 weeks, but then got much better about it. DB, and save yourself! If your MR is saved too, then bonus.

[Dadhurt]

If you can, I'd do a call (or calls) with the phone coaches.


You need a plan of attack, and you need change.
This doesn't sound like a WW or MLC, so at least she's sane (all the other people just want some sanity and we'd be golden).

It sounds like she's a regular woman with some emotional problems and got fed up.
The good thing is you know what you want, you know you have problems, and she's still there.

Here's what I would do.... you need to wooo her. You need to bend over backwards and sacrifice. AND you need to make it permanent. That means, you "change" for a little while, and go back to being what you were..... forget it, you're done (and I wouldn't blame her).

Now if it was a MLC W, don't do any of this, that's suicide. But for a real woman..... heck ya.
And the other thing.... this is VERY important. Enjoy it. Now about enjoyment: What you enjoy, everything..... is a CHOICE.
You may HATE doing dishes... do them and choose to enjoy it.
You don't like cleaning toilets..... do it, and choose to enjoy it.

Find out what she doesn't like doing the most, and DO IT. Did you neglect something which is important to her? Get on it, right now. Then do it again, and do it again, and do it again. Change your behavior.
Don't point it out to her. Don't say look at me. You need to HUMBLE yourself. You also need to pray for your wife, for yourself and for your marriage. Humble yourself. Change. Be the best man you can be. Then talk to her, probe her mind, start interesting conversation. Bring up good memories...... LISTEN and more importantly, HEAR. Shut your mount and don't try to fix her problems. Only act if she asks. Other than that, listen and hear. Women need their sounding board, and they need to know you care. Ask questions but do not try and solve their stuff yourself.

Make her happiness worth more to you then your own.

You still have a chance. Use it. It's not just time to man up, it's time to Husband up.
You can do it. Take action, not words.

-SoloFlex

Thanks soloflex. That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing. Helping out around the house, dinner, dishes, laundry, etc. I know she appreciates the help, I should have done this long ago. Unfortunately, she’s already given me chances to do this and I’ve failed. There’s something different about her this time. She talks about our future apart so matter-of-factly. She’s told her friends and mom (not her dad yet, her parents are divorced) that we are getting divorced. I’ve been doing my best to “detach” and talk about the future apart with her but it crushes my soul inside. I’m out of chances and ideas. I’m pretty humble but I’m also very successful and driven, I’ve been able to accomplish pretty much everything I’ve put my mind to but this may be where I fail. I don’t think I’d have any trouble finding love elsewhere but I’m not interested in that. I love my wife, the mother of my child, and that’s all I want.

[SoloFlex]

DH,

If you aren't religious, or are agnostic.... I don't want this to offend. Skip if you want to....

Do you two go to church? IF you go (or used to go) to church, (and I only say this because she's sane and not a MLC/WW).... I'd try this: I'd ask her if she would pray with you. Get somewhere quiet, take her by both hands..... and lead the prayer. Don't be shy, and what is in there you tell God. She will hear and maybe reciprocate for the second half.
Now, this is important. IF she agrees to this, you have to do it every night. Every night. No exceptions.
She won't believe at first, she has to see this is real. God will do the rest.
You are soooo lucky to still have a sane wife. So lucky.
Now, if you two don't go to church, and aren't religious. Then the other part below applies.

Here's the other part, you have to pray for your wife, everyday. Multiple times a day. I would ask God to soften her heart so she may forgive you. There's a good book, it's called "The Power of a Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartian. That is a good place to start. Actually you may need to do this first before praying with her because you need to get close to God first. God does and will lead you if you ask him.... let God lead you, and as the man of the house, you lead her in prayer.

I can tell you 100% without a doubt, doing this is changing me for the better, I believe it is helping my MLC'er (although she still has to go thru the process, this isn't a cure) and I'm going to be a better man/husband for doing it. It is life changing. The commitment must be permanent and total. Realize too, that if you do this, you will probably be called to attend church. When this happens..... go. Go and go and go. Ask her to join you. God does miracles for those who humble themselves before him.

I sooooo wish I could do this with my MCL'er, but she's rebelling. No interest. Doesn't matter, her rebellion can't stop me from praying, and it can't stop God from doing his work in her.

You can DB like crazy and pray in secret (like crazy) for your W. That is a one-two punch.

I really wish the best for you,

-SoloFlex

[Dadhurt]

Thanks soloflex. Neither of us are particularly religious so I don’t think praying together is an option. I may find religion here though because I could use something! We had a long talk last night. I could really feel all the hurt I have caused her by my actions/inactions and general lack of commitment to our marriage. She is too hurt to give me another chance. She asked a couple of times of how I could expect her to want to stay. I don’t, I can see she is so sad and is just looking for relief. I made it clear I still want our marriage to work but did not pressure her at all or ask for another chance. That was hard to do. She wants me to move out, I don’t think it’s a good idea to fight her on it. I also feel that separation will make it harder to show her changes but maybe some time away will be good for both of us.

[SteveLW]

Do not move out. Common mistake. Dad, you can't nice her back to the marriage. This is about respect now and there is no earning respect by moving out.

Next the she brings it up, say to her calmly: "After thinking it over I think it's best if I stay. I can't stop you from leaving however. I'd like for us to continue cohabitating until the divorced is worked out but that is up to you."

Moving out is usually a bad move. Even legally. An attorney would advise against it.

[SoTorn]

I agree don't move out.

Just make sure you are doing 180 on any and all toxic behaviors.

I know you said you felt detached when you were doing hobbies. But like it has been said before, there is a way to do hobbies and not ignore. No, you don't need to go run and try and pursue her.

Please don't go full charge like you are trying to date for the first time. You need to show that you can manage your hobbies and your family. You can't just drop your hobbies, because like steve says, this is about respect.

If you dropped your hobbies and went into super husband mode, she will feel its fake. So you need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself as well. Do you workout? If not, do it.

You just need to be present. If you are in a room and she is there, or even if she isnt there, and something needs to be done, just do it. Dishes etc, whatever needs to be done.

Are you affectionate with your daughter? You said you are a good dad, and I believe you are. But are you lovey dubby with your little girl? You are now focusing on yourself and your daughter. You need to make her feel like a princess. Make her feel loved, supported, comfortable, secure. Be super dad. Beyond super dad.

You will be bettering yourself and your relationship with your daughter. That is the point of DB. Then, this type of loving detachment from your W, will get noticed by her. Then, she may, just maybe decide its worth working on the M.

Just rememeber, you truly need to go from the thought of "I am going to do this so she notices so she loves me more" to "I am going to make this change or do XXX for me because that will make me a better person and will make me happy"

Or "I am going to make this change or take this action because my baby girl is going to love it and it will make her happy, and will show that I am a great father and will always be her dad and will always be there for her"

Its hard man. This is going to test your will more than anything in your entire life. But you will come out the end of it as a better person. You will come out of the end being a better father.

[Dadhurt]

Thanks for the replies. More about the moving out though - initially she agreed to stay together in the family home while we worked through the divorce. After talking to one of her old friends one night she changed or mind on it, she said it will be too difficult emotionally and too confusing. She wants my daughter to stay with her and feels it would be easier on her to be in a familiar place once we split. I don’t want to move out but I also want what’s best for my daughter. Also, a couple of nights ago I went out with some friends for dinner/drinks (GAL) and ended up staying at their place for the night. My wife said my daughter was asking when I was going to go be home when she was putting her to bed at 8pm (I had already told her I would be out late) and she didn’t have an answer and my daughter was confused/worried. I think my wife was exaggerating this story some but used it as a anther reason why I need to move out. I agreed to start looking for a nearby place to rent, I’m nervous about reneging on that. Additional thoughts?

[Dadhurt]

One more thing on me moving out - my wife works from home with a good amount of travel, she can live anywhere. She has been unhappy living in our town for a while, especially this last year after our neighbors moved away and she lost some support. In the last year, I have been actively seeking another job to allow us to move. Ironically, I just landed an interview for our dream job plan A a week after the BD. Plan B is for her to stay in our town for one more school year, after which we will both move to the same city and be able to co-parent our daughter. She said that if I stayed it the family house and she moved out she might as well move states with my daughter now so she doesn’t have to move her twice. Basically a veiled threat of taking my daughter away if I don’t move out. Even if I land the job I won’t be ready to move for at least a year so I’m in a tough spot here. May need to consult with an attorney.

[Cadet]

Normally we do not tell people to move out,
I would not do it unless you are ordered to do it by a judge.

Yes consult with a lawyer, it is the #1 mistake men make in a divorce.

[SteveLW]

One more thing on me moving out - my wife works from home with a good amount of travel, she can live anywhere. She has been unhappy living in our town for a while, especially this last year after our neighbors moved away and she lost some support. In the last year, I have been actively seeking another job to allow us to move. Ironically, I just landed an interview for our dream job plan A a week after the BD. Plan B is for her to stay in our town for one more school year, after which we will both move to the same city and be able to co-parent our daughter. She said that if I stayed it the family house and she moved out she might as well move states with my daughter now so she doesn’t have to move her twice. Basically a veiled threat of taking my daughter away if I don’t move out. Even if I land the job I won’t be ready to move for at least a year so I’m in a tough spot here. May need to consult with an attorney.

Dadhurt, Cadet nailed it with his response. Yes, please consult an attorney.

As far as her veiled threat.........in general you should always DB from a position of strength, not of fear. Acting out of fear will cause you do do things that are detrimental to your efforts, not helpful. So don't move out because you are afraid she will move to another state. Know your rights. Knowledge is power.

Now I am going to tell you some other things to consider..................