That's so great about the counselling FS! That is infuriating about your H letting you down like that, have you had an open conversation with him about it? Not an angry one but something like 'I looked unprofessional to my colleagues when I had to cancel because I was relying on you, make sure it doesn't happen again because otherwise I will have to make other childcare arrangements and might not be able to be so flexible around your work if that happens'. Or something, you know your situation.
Planned a long response to you whilst eating my breakfast and then thought I'm just going to write what I'd say to you if you were here in this kitchen.
Team FS is broken. You have expected because he's a good Dad, he will still be part of the team. He has expected that he can live a separate life and still be part of the team. That's cake eating.
Now, it should be possible. There are people all over who manage to maintain a healthy team ethos even when separated. The fact that he isn't, gives testament to his character at the moment. FS and the girls can be in the team and I'll dip in and out when I want.
You may have to accept that is the way it's going to be. Yes, it's disrespectful to you, but in his eyes this isn't about you, it's all about what he wants. Perhaps you have thought that the girls gave you the opportunity to stay connected to him? Perhaps he doesn't see it that way. There's no you and him, just him and the girls? When he wants.
Perhaps you need to drop all expectations of him. He's coming up short.
I get the distancing / openness dynamic, but it is leaving you vulnerable to his selfishness.
Perhaps just carry on in a friendly but detached way but drop the expectation that he is going to be an all in team player.
We are in a strange situation. He is a pilot - so taking time off really isn't an option. I get this and I know I have to give him some latitude in terms of the childcare. His shift got changed last minute but we could have covered it. He was supposed to stay at the house and take them to school in the morning. What really annoyed me was he didn't even tell me. He just kind of slipped it into conversation and when I asked why he could take them in the morning he said "it is easier for me to get to the airport from the flat" (like he hadn't been commuting to the airport for 6 years from the house). I could have gone later, but would not have reached the office until 3:00. I could have still made day 2, but in a fit of cutting my nose off to spite my face, I cancelled the entire trip. I am a contractor, so not only does it look bad, not going has cost me a fortune.
I cannot say his behavior is "unacceptable". The shift change was not (as far as I know) his fault. All I can do is, as Yorkie says, not rely on him or have any expectations that he will be there for me.
Davide - when I was 'researching' OLDs the chap next to me showed me one of the apps on his phone. Trout pouts and bathroom selfies galore. Also, A LOT of cleavage. I have only registered on Hinge. Tinder seemed too shallow and the traditional ones required whole essays to be written. This seemed a happy middle ground although, as I said, my target market appears to be 22 year olds despite setting my preferences considerably higher than that.
So it was about what was convenient for him, really, isn't it?
Why can't you say his behaviour is unacceptable? You can decide - for your own very good reasons - that for the time being you will choose to accept it. But you don't have to accept it. You could get a nanny or arrange some consistent childcare that he would have to fit in with, whether that was convenient to him or not.
Nothing much to report on the H front. Limbo. I got the childcare schedule for June the other day and there is a six day block in the middle where he isn't seeing the girls. When I saw this I remembered that he had mentioned back in Jan that he was going to vegas with two mates in June so assumed the block is to cover that. It makes me laugh that he hasn't mentioned it since, but then thought I wouldn't notice that he wasn't seeing the girls for six days. I am not upset about it (maybe because I know it is with mates who I know/knew and got along with) but shows that he still thinks he has to 'keep things from me' even when the thing is as harmless as going for a longish weekend with friends. I guess that says more about him than me.
D12 is doing on with the counselling. Whilst I can't say she looks forward to it, there is no anxiety surrounding it anymore. She seems to be a little more relaxed generally, so I think it's been good for her to have someone external to talk to. We do not know what is being said in these sessions but as long as it is helping her, then we don't need to know. D9 is ok too but it is D9 who tends to ask the awkward questions ..
D9: Why can't daddy have a key to the house. He can't come and walk [our dog] Me: He can come whenever he wants. He just needs to let mummy know and I won't lock the bottom lock (he has a key to the top one) D9: But he should be able to get into the house. Me: Well, Daddy doesn't live here anymore. Mummy, D12 and you live here and daddy is a guest. Daddy can't just come and go as he pleases because it's not fair on mummy. Mummy doesn't have a key to daddy's flat. D9: But you don't pay for the flat. Me: Daddy doesn't pay for the house (this is true, but I didn't really want to say it).
Anyway, it was an uncomfortable conversation. I have always avoided talking about the finances with the kids.
I have arranged to meet someone off the OLD site. We are going climbing next week. I am not sure how long I will stay on the site. I seem to get a lot of men in their 20's wanting to strike up conversations (these get discounted pretty quick) and those few conversations I've had seem a little 'false'. It is the opposite of here ... here you bare your soul. There everything is curated to be as light and 'fun' as possible. Example: "how was your weekend?", "good thanks - chilled out mostly. You?". It doesn't feel real. I will stick with it for a month and see how it goes.
Hey FS. Sorry for taking so long to reply. I just now saw your post about OLD. I am glad you are dipping your toe into the pool to see what is out there. I promise there are some normal people on there...you just may have to meet a few "abnormal" ones first. I have found that certain sites have different reputations for who uses them. Tinder, for instance, seems to be more of a "hook up" site...even if you are clear that's not what you are on there for. Not sure what is popular in the UK but I ended up meeting most people from Plenty of Fish. All of the guys I've met have been nice but it is definitely hard to find someone you "click" with. Still...I enjoyed the dates and it was better than sitting at home alone on the weekends my XH had the kids. I am definitely enjoying myself more now that I've found someone I do click with. If only he were a bit older... still have not resolved that issue in my head yet. Just going with the flow for now. Anyway...don't give up too quickly. Hope you have a great hike this weekend! (((HUGS)))
Also...I wouldn't shy away from the sites that require more of an effort to fill out information on yourself. PofF was kind of middle ground that way as you don't HAVE to fill out a lot if you don't want to. However, I did find that the people who took the time to say something about themselves and what they were looking for seemed to take the process more seriously and were more "normal".
I have only joined Hinge. I didn't want random hook ups (thus no tinder) and, (apologies if this is unkind to anyone here), the others seemed to be for people who really really wanted a relationship. I am going with the flow and seeing what happens. If there is one thing I have learned on this forum, is to live life without expectations. I am not going hiking. We are going rock climbing. I think it is the Davide influence
Oh, and he is in his 20's. He did ask why I went for someone younger and I told him because I liked his answers, they had both a depth and sense of fun to them. His pictures showed he led an active, healthy life style (no naked upper body shots) and he was into yoga, meditation and climbing. So, we will see. No expectations.
I have engaged in conversations with a couple of men. They seem OK. Still, it all seems very false. Like being stuck in a room with someone you don't know and being forced to make small talk.
Isn't it the online equivalent of being stuck in a room and having small talk though? I hope the date goes well, I'm curious about why you're choosing to date now, testing the waters? It seems like things have stalled with your H...
But whilst it feels like limbo, I am coming to the realisation that I am not in limbo. What is happening is an excruciatingly slow peeling away of the plaster (that's band-aid for you Americans) that is our marriage. It's just that the plaster is coming off so slowly that you don't see it happening. Like those human statues you see in Covent Garden painted in gold or silver or bronze. They move so slightly that over the course of the day they will have turned 360 degrees. To the bystander, these statues are in a constant state of stillness. But the stillness is not still. It moves. Some movements are more obvious than others, moving out, my changing the lock, or us taking separate family holidays, whilst others, are so subtle that only he and I will have noticed (I referred in a text to his flat as 'yours' and the house as 'mine' as in, "I can either take D9 back to mine or drop her by yours").
I spoke to a friend about this the other day. He feels that there is still hope for us. But that there are great big trust issues on both sides, and a shed load of guilt on his. He also thinks that I am at a cross roads. Looking at two paths and trying to decide which is best for me. By not being transparent with him about the dating, I am hoping to keep both paths alive until I know what is going on. By keeping things from me my H is doing the same (I suspect this is another way of saying cake eating). But it is interesting that it was framed in such a way that I came across as cake eating too.
He feels it is time to have the R talk. There are too many things unsaid, too many assumptions and too much distrust. Neither of us can make a decision because we do not know what the facts are. He things my H assumes I have moved on. I assume my H has moved on.
I do not know. I will need to think about it some more.
