You really have been great at GAL Alison, I admire that! I also think that seeing how much better your life has become from this separation is interesting.
There is a lot I miss. Though for the past two years of our marriage, the bad stuff has outweighed the good and I let my focus on that bad stuff and trying to fix it in ineffective ways to overshadow everything that was good and enjoyable about my own life. I think the kids and me are really flourishing. There's so much to enjoy now I have freed myself from having to prop up a depressed husband or try to control or repair a failing marriage. I still hope for a repair but I'm not actively working on it - I am working on myself instead and that's so freeing.
Talked to H briefly this morning about the coming week. Youngest has inset days on the Thursday and Friday. This has been on our shared calendar for about four months and I also mentioned it to him in Feb when I first asked for the time away, and again in April when we finally agreed I could do this. The options were for Youngest to go to H's mother or to get booked into the holiday club. H said he'd take care of it and he hasn't. It might be too late for either now. I know he's stressed and it's just slipped his mind, but he was pretty shirty about his mistake - really searching for a way to blame it on me. I texted him and said, 'Is there anything I can do to help here? I know you're stressed and it's just slipped your mind,' and he hasn't replied. He is always going on about me taking away his authority in the house as a parent, but he doesn't see how he makes it so difficult for me to leave him in charge and trust his judgement. I am practicing the fine art of STFU today. I've offered to help, and that will have to be enough.
Saw H last night. He was an a foul mood and I felt anxious. He sorted out the childcare situation - he had asked his mother, apparently, and forgot about it - which isn't surprising given how depleted he is. I'm glad I didn't say anything but I notice how eager he was to find a way for it to be my fault. I didn't engage with him on it, and in the great scheme of things it is relatively minor but it is information about where his head is at that I am not going to ignore.
He hung around for a bit, and went into the back garden and was sending texts on his phone. I went out and asked him who he was texting - which was a mistake and I regret it. He was immediately defensive. 'I sent a few silly texts a year ago,' he said (in reference to his EA). I said, 'I'm sorry I asked you that. We both know your relationship with [EA woman] was more than that, but I shouldn't be quizzing you about your phone and I'm sorry that I did,' and I left him where he was and went upstairs to pack for my holiday. He came up about half an hour later and started ranting - not shouting exactly, but he was upset and emotional - about how he never had any space in the relationship, about how the children had their own rooms but he didn't, that he didn't have any room for his things in the house (he's moved out and he lives somewhere else, and the things that he hasn't taken with him are exactly where he left them - I haven't removed or disturbed his stuff at all). I listened then I said, 'I know we've both been very unhappy living together. We don't live together any more so I don't know why you want me to listen to you carry on being angry about stuff to do with a living situation that is in the past,' - one of the things he was annoyed about was that I bought a new armchair for my bedroom and it was in a space that he liked to have clear. It seems insane to me - he doesn't live here, it's my room, I will have a chair there if I want to. I didn't say anything until it all died down then I said 'I am tired of this. I know you weren't happy in our marriage. I wasn't either. That's why we made the change of not living together any more. That's made me happier, for sure. We can either talk positively about changes to make to our relationship in the future, or we can talk about divorce and finances, but I am not going to listen to you complain about a situation that is six months in the past now.'
He didn't like that and he left. I was very shaky and upset afterwards. Upset, I think, because I had hoped that he wanted to go to MC to talk about something other than how much he hated living with me and how it was all my fault. I'd hoped he'd be able to communicate what he wanted to change - even if it was to talk about how to divorce kindly and amicably. I can see how I angered and triggered him by asking him about his mobile phone, and I wish I hadn't. So perhaps I haven't changed as much as I'd need to and as he wants to see either.
I saw him briefly this morning and he was very defensive - and i just said there was no point talking about it unless it was to make a change or to move things forward in some way - and he said that he needed some space in the relationship for his opinions and emotions and he thought the best way forward was to move house and get somewhere bigger where we could all have our own space. My jaw dropped at that. There's not a chance in the hot place that I'd financially commit to a bigger mortgage with him right now, and if he thinks that's the solution to our problems we are much much further away from resolving anything than I'd imagined. Still no signs at all of him looking at his own part in things, taking responsibility, etc. He has a tendency (and our family therapist picked up on this and called him out on it - which is why he left the session early and in a bad temper) to criticise and moan and complain but not to make suggestions, collaborate or ask for what he wants. It means in our marriage I've either ignored or avoided him and just got on with what I wanted to do because to ask him for input just opens up the way for a hailstorm of moaning and obstruction. I can see why he'd feel ignored and overlooked. He can't see how that's a situation he's helped to create and still isn't willing to see it.
I am glad I'm going away tomorrow. I am really really tired of the way I allow him to treat me. I think I did better this time, but I want to use some of the time away to think about firmer boundaries and consequences. I don't want to listen to his whinging and criticism ever again and if he's not able or willing to look forward constructively, then I will move on without him. It's probably time for him to start enjoying his own space and privacy more completely, and seeing his children there, on a more equitable childcare arrangement.
Wow, that sounds pretty hard. You dealt with it assertively and kindly I think. And buying a bigger house so he can have space? Ummmm, lol. Do you think there might have been something he was actually guilty about with the phone for him to react like that? I don't think it's an unreasonable question actually, particularly in light of his EA. Well done, you handled it well. I hope he feels your absence. And I hope you have a lovely time!
I don't know - he said in the end he was texting a friend about a cycling commitment. As far as I know he hasn't had any contact with the woman since I found out about it last year. It was her choice to end things, not his - and I did have to watch him be upset about that for a few months over the summer, which was horrible. During those months I was obsessive about watching his every move, and he hated it, and I threatened to kick him out unless he let me do it - it was a crazy time and I made lots of mistakes. Our MC we saw last year said that I was going to have to find it in myself to trust him and he was going to have to be understanding of the fact that it was difficult for me as a result of his actions - and I do agree with that. I don't think he's up to anything now. He's changed his job - and I believe that and have evidence of it - to reassure me that he isn't bumping into her at work any more. I think I just let my insecurity get the better of me and instead of looking inwards for comfort and steadiness, I went back to old habits of expecting him to provide it by offering reassurance. It triggered bad memories in him, clearly.
H was round last night. He ended up staying over. Eldest was pretty challenging - deliberately so - and I think that came from anxiety about me going away. I think I found the right balance - just about - between backing up H but also giving him space to parent in his own way. He was steady and calm and not sarcastic or mean and he told me when he needed a few minutes on his own to calm down, which I appreciated. Eldest seemed to respond very well to that united front, and all was well this morning. It made me feel a bit better about leaving today for the week - which I will be doing in a couple of hours.
I've been mulling over the comment about wanting a bigger house. It's so strange. H chose the house we're living in now. I wasn't convinced but have grown to really love it. He wanted to live in this particular expensive area, whereas I wanted to live in a less fancy area, so we could afford something bigger. We're by no means cramped, but as the kids have grown there is more pressure on communal space, I work at home a lot, and I think an extra bedroom and reception room is necessary if we are all going to live together again. But as it stands, I can afford the mortgage on my own and buy him out easily. That puts me in a strong position and he knows that. I don't want to trade in that security for a bigger house until we're much much more solid with each other, and that could take years - if it ever happens at all. At the moment, he's renting a room in someone else's house. If he wanted to get a proper place of his own where the kids could visit him properly then we'd need to rejig finances and that would be difficult though not impossible. I have savings he has no access to and vice versa.
It's nice that he is looking forwards and imagining me in his future, but it makes very little sense to me. I've almost decided that I will go to the MC with him - just so I can have clarity and a better understanding of what he sees our problems are and what the solutions or ways forward might be. It doesn't commit me to anything, and I can walk out and end the process if he just wants to use it to whine and complain about the past. But I am going to mull it over more when I am away. I suspect his week doing all the wife-work might be a bit of watershed moment for both of us.
It sounds like going to MC would be useful for you, especially if you have a decent MC. I envy you a husband even willing to go to MC, mine has always refused (I've been asking for probably over 15 years on and off...) Maybe the house thing is him saying he wants a fresh start?
Yes, I think he does want to move on from the past - he just doesn't seem to know how. I also know he feels really paranoid that the neighbours are talking about our situation. They're not - the people next door had no idea until he mentioned that he'd moved out himself - but how he appears to others is very important to him. I think my main fear about MC is that it would just be the very end of the line - I'd sit there and be confronted with the fact it was over, rather than be able to kid myself into thinking we have some hope, as I am doing now. But that's immature. And if he is willing, I may as well go and find out what he wants to say. I will think on it some more but I am feeling more positive about it, especially since he's been initiating a lot more contact with me over the past couple of weeks, and I've seen him trying to make changes in his parenting too.
You're right, Dilly. I think what is holding me back is not H or his actions, but my fear. Where I am at the moment is okay. I am happy. I am financially secure. I see H often and while it isn't always easy, we're miles and miles away from how it was in Jan / Feb. I don't really cry anymore. I wouldn't trade the life I am living now for anything, and repairing things with him or divorcing him means a change and I am afraid of change.
This is excellent for me to think about while I am away.
Alison, I think you're handling everything exactly how you should. It really sounds like he hasn't changed at all and is now trying to abuse and control you from a distance (that chair thing, wow). As for the house, DON'T DO IT!!!! My brother'x XW convinced him that they needed a bigger house so they could "all have their space". He didn't think they could afford it but eventually he gave in. Then she BD'd him and told him "well I thought a bigger house would fix our marriage but it didn't." I think your H has that same mindset right now- well maybe we just need a bigger house. Talk about grasping! The problem couldn't POSSIBLY be inside himself, right?
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I can see how I angered and triggered him by asking him about his mobile phone, and I wish I hadn't. So perhaps I haven't changed as much as I'd need to and as he wants to see either.
No I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Your H is the one who has been saying he wants to try and recon, yet he's going to get that offended just because you asked who he was texting? How are you supposed to rebuild trust with him if that's his attitude?
