I’ve been browsing through other threads periodically, just to see how people are doing, handling their sitch, whatever. Tonight something struck me --- My sitch doesn’t seem to be like any other. It doesn’t follow the familiar “script”. Now, maybe I just haven’t kept up enough outside my own sitch, but I see all the time posts that say how their MLCr said horrible things, accused the LBS of horrible things, changed history, and seem to follow the same path from BD onward.
My H hasn’t accused me of really anything, except when I confronted him about hooking up with OW again, he accused me of throwing him out of the house. No. I didn’t. We discussed it. He didn’t ask to stay. He’s just out there somewhere. Floating along. Not making any moves towards any decision (that I know of). I’m assuming he’s with OW. They vacationed together in April (H denies it, of course). But even after that, he said he was “beset with melancholy”. I guess she isn’t his ticket to paradise.
H hasn’t mentioned D, he’s still in monthly vacation rentals, still cuts the grass once a week, and leaves me completely alone. Doesn’t mention the $, just takes his allotted amount a month.
I wish sometimes that something would happen. Anything. Yes, my life if full. But lately I’ve had strong thoughts of just ending it. Telling H to just file already. He obviously doesn’t want to reconcile, so why hold on? I don’t understand, and I want to so badly. I want to shake him and say “I KNOW about your ugly past, and I don’t hate you for it.”. I want to say “please release me so I can totally move on”. I want to say “I know you hate yourself for all that’s occurred, but I don’t hate you. Let me help you”. But, of course, I won’t. All useless.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts lately of just telling him I’m done. But, I’m not sure it will change anything, as far as moving forward. I don’t think I have gone through the process to be done yet. I don’t really want to be done, but I don’t see any other way. My trust in God to work on H to redeem him is weak. I’ve been praying for God to help me strengthen that trust.
I’m trying to work through WHY I am not done. Is it fear of being totally on my own? Reluctance to split up all the savings we worked so hard for? Afraid to lose my home? Afraid for my kids? Wonder if there is a glimmer of hope we can reconcile IF H get the help he needs. This last one is still a strong feeling. On the other hand, why wouldn’t I be done after all that’s occurred? I’ve got a lot to sort out. I’m not in a hurry, yet.
D19 is struggling. She has her own issues and I think demons. Thankfully she is home for the summer, but I worry about her going back to school in the fall. She has really needed her mommy lately. I don’t think it’s because of my sitch specifically, but I’m sure that plays into it. Her dad has only seen her once for lunch since she’s been home – 3 weeks. They never message or call. Breaks my heart.
All these ponderings are here and there during full, active days. I’m thankful they aren’t filling up empty, lonely days.
19 is a tough age and I'm sure she is processing all that has happened also- therapy or coaching is a great tool for the kids
There is no time frame here.. It definitely takes a lot of time for us to sort out the mess and everything your thinking and feeling -I have felt too
I so wanted to restore MY M as so many of us here have-
The only way to really get to the other side with clarity is to trudge though it
all the feelings that come up and all the thoughts that try to analyze and figure it all out-
There may never be any conclusive evidence...but we still see the reality of what our spouses are doing and the life they choose- I believe they cant help themselves-Yes it seems easy to us-just get some help-but they cant and they are hooked into OW and the fantasy life. .she may be dangerous, crazy--addicted..
I don't think there is anyway to know for sure if someone is in MLC or having some other issues- MLCers may share certain characteristics and may have unresolved childhood issues, but really who hasn't had some childhood stuff- The only way to really know to watch his actions and see what direction he goes as time moves on
We also continue as you are to create your best life and love him from a far as you let him go-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So H has really fallen off the radar. Haven't seen him a 2 or 3 weeks as he comes over to cut the grass and get his mail when I am at work. Last time I saw him was very brief. I have asked him to inform me when he comes over, but he usually doesn't.
D19 told me yesterday that H was taking her to lunch on Saturday. This is only the 2nd time he will spend any amount of time with her in 4 weeks.
So today, I get a message from H stating he will be taking his normal $ from our account on Saturday for his next months bills, cutting the grass, and taking D19 out to lunch. He sent a 2nd message saying "Welcome to join us if you wish".
So, with DBing in mind, should I go? Ask D19 if she wants to have alone time with her dad?
What do I want to do? I'd probably go just out of curiosity to see how he is doing. I've vowed not to ask him anythings anymore or initiate anything. An I haven't in 2 or 3 weeks.
The first thing I thought is what do you want to do. You answered that question.
I would ask D19 if she wants alone time and see if joining them is something she would welcome. I am pretty sure she would be ok with you being present.
So, are you strong enough? Is this going to send you spinning? Personally, I think you are strong enough, and should go. It is ok to be curious. Keep away from any relationship conversations. Treat him as a business college or associate, not someone in your inner group of trusted people. I am confident you can and will be able to do that.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi grace , in answer to your question should I go ,well I think only you can answer that’. If you feel that you’ll be ok , no anxiety or the likes then go . Just remember though don’t have any expectations,that’s the worst as it will bring you down with a bump . I don’t see my W for weeks on end which , helps with certain things but I find when she does turn up im sort of hoping things might have changed even a little but alas ,they haven’t.what I find difficult is treating her just like somebody who you know rather than someone who you shared your life with, so in one respect its good not interacting on the other well you sort of feel you’ve lost them for good if you dont see them but you always have to remember their already lost to you.think Deep and think hard hopefully the right answer will come up .r678
First, I'm pretty sure seeing him for lunch will not affect me in a negative way. Maybe briefly, but I certainly don't believe it will give me a big set-back. But, I did have a thought. I suspect he asked me to go to be a buffer. My D19 is a bit of an introvert, so I anticipate convo between the 2 of them can get difficult. Maybe he needs to experience that.
Maybe you want to thank him for the invite, but say you’re busy. And then suggest how about Sunday, or sometime next week, you can meet him if he would like. That would sort out the buffer question. And H and D19 need to figure out their relationship anyhow.
Just an other thought.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
H’s visit came and went. I told him I wasn’t available for lunch, but if he was still around when I got home, we could chat or meet up next week. D19 was feeling very anxious about their get-together. She told me that he wasn’t emotionally there for her just like his dad wasn’t for him. Wow. She further said that she feels like doing anything for Father’s Day for him would be like a farce. Wow again! I encouraged her to discuss with her dad how she felt. That she would like to be closer to him. She’s got a lot on her plate right now, with work and other things. She ended up texting me she wasn’t up for discussing anything with her dad. He took her to the bank after he did the lawn, then she just wanted fast food. They ate in the kitchen.
They arrived just after I did. I puttered around the house and just let them eat. Not too much was said. I made a little snack for myself and sat with them for the last 5 or 10 minutes. D19 then said she was going for a nap.
H started making a drink for both of us. That was his signal he decided to stay. That was fine. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry to leave. We chatted about work, neighborhood association stuff going on, and other benign stuff. I pray regularly for God to guide me on my interactions with H. To tell me when to listen, when to speak. So, I broached the subject of D19. At first he made a defensive statement that he does see her. I just calmly stated that his visits are brief, and D19 expressed that she feels disconnected with him. I also stated she has needed an extraordinary about of my emotional support lately, and I spend a lot of time with her doing that. I was calm, not blaming, and just giving a few facts. He calmly listened.
I then asked him if he was satisfied with the way things are between us. He immediately asked “are you?”. I just said I asked him a question, and would appreciate an answer. He struggled not to break down. He said he deserved his situation and everything he got because of his actions and choices. I just agreed that yes, they were his actions and choices. Still very calm and compassionate. I wasn’t faking. I do feel compassion. I said that past doesn’t have to hold him back from moving forward. That I could be very wrong, but to me it seems like he was existing, and wouldn’t it be better to be living (paraphrase). He said “it’s better than not existing”. I just nodded understanding.
That was about the extent of the more “serious” part of our interaction.
About 3 hours after that visit, I received a text message from him:
“Thank you for making me aware that I need to pay a lot more attention to the kids. I’ve already started by sending them both messages that are positive and uplifting. But yes I get it. It was good to see you.” He followed up with a few more messages explaining to me where I can find several shows we discussed when he was here that he thought I’d like.
I only responded thanks for the info and you’re welcome about the kids. No interaction since, but I didn’t expect it.
I’m not overthinking or looking for signs of anything in our interaction or his note. But, it does seem he softened a bit. Or is now realizing more clearly what he is losing. That’s for him to figure out
Spent a nice day at church, and shopping with D19. Getting stuff done around the house which is long overdue due to my extensive GAL activities on the weekends lol. I went out with friends Friday night, but it’s nice to be home for a few days. Even delivered my “pillow case” dresses to the organizer for the mission trip to Guatemala today. I only got 14 done. My goal was 20, but when the kids came home from college, I fell off the sewing wagon. I’m pleased with them, though. I pray that the little girls will feel pretty in them.
