I would like to get a show of hands and opinions here. I'm curious. This is for self-awareness and personal growth purpose. Where does anger and defensiveness get rooted from and for everyone here and why? For me I've come to the realization that no matter how good my intentions, or for my efforts, my unprovoked anger stems from being misunderstood, especially by those close to me romantic relationships (or lack there of) I'm trying harder everyday to emphasize more with people, and I think I'm doing a fairly good job at it.
Good question IHCLACS. Also I think you meant "empathize" not "emphasize" =)
For me, it's mostly NGS. The book explains it way better than I can. Learned behavior from a childhood of emotional neglect.
Anger - Covert contracts (and their ineffectiveness) -> doing more and more for my partner, hoping to get what I want in return - Assuming my partner knows what I want, then getting frustrated/angry when I don't get it - Lack of empathy for my partner's anger/resentment - Lack of self-respect - giving my partner control over my decisions, in an effort to please
Defensiveness - Feeling accused, rather than (again) empathizing with my partner - Problem-solving attitude, rather than listening - Feeling misunderstood, feeling like partner is projecting her feelings onto me sometimes - Feeling as if all our issues are "communication" problems, and I am practicing "good" communication
Honestly when we went to MC, I found it hard to ask for what I wanted... I was so used to the pattern of "do what I think my W wants, then maybe she will show me affection" that I completely lost touch of my own needs.
I'm also trying hard to empathize and validate lately. Practicing on everyone, not just W (my kids, friends, coworkers when appropriate). Many times in our M, during heated discussions, my W would say "It's not all about you!" and I never understood it. I thought I was apologizing, saying "I'm sorry" and "I won't do it again." Poor listening, poor validating.
I have really started working on my empathy and validation skills since I decided to try to apologize to my wife for things that happened in the last 2 years. Because she was not sharing with me, I wrote some letters and tried to put myself in her shoes: "When I <...> I can imagine you felt <...>" or "You must have felt so hurt when I <...>". I'm not sure it helped with any healing, but I think that's another form of empathy -- gotta be careful not to mind-read, but you can practice placing yourself in their shoes and imagine their experience.
Well I got some yard work done today, cleaned my car, etc. I wanted to get the backyard cleaned up as side to not finish the whole thing and make a whole entire day out of it. I feel kind of guilty and I'm beating up on myself for not finishing the whole thing. I'm leaving for a work trip for the week Monday. Here's what I'm struggling with right now. But I have my time to myself in the house I want to spend some of the with my son but on the other hand I want to get the hell out of the house and party and get the hell away from the W and GAL as much as possible now. The question is where one with who? I feel guilty because I'm not finishing the things I should be spending my time on, like house and packing priorities. But I also feel as if I don't live a little while go insane just being here. It's almost like before I was always motivated to get things done because of what the home and the marriage stood for . Now that she wants to sell the house and doesn't want to give me a say in it, other than I can't probably afford to buy her out. My mindset is if they can do this to you once while given the chance to do it to you again in the future? Im 99% ready to pull the trigger and say F@$k it! Anyone else struggle with this? With a guilt of not doing enough, because you just need to get away and enjoy life, because of all the emotional chaos these situations are causing us? Every time I have to do yard work it's takes so much labor and effort that I get really resentful towards the W and I know that's on me. But the way I see it she helped me with it maybe a handful of times and seven years and made her shows and her games and saw more of a priority. It's funny how they complain they never get enough help but yet when we wanted and complains to get it we're emotionally abusive?
It's funny how they complain they never get enough help but yet when we wanted and complains to get it we're emotionally abusive?
I identify with this. Knowing full well I was actually abusive a few times. But not anywhere near to the degree I am made out to be.
I'm new here, but I think I can help.......
This is all about perception. When I was in the service (intel.... yeah yeah, I know the joke) we had a saying "If I can control your perceptions.... I own you".
These people's perceptions are not their own. If you could clear that up, no problem. Since you can't..... do what you can, but realize it doesn't matter what you do.... it doesn't matter what you feel.... it doesn't matter if you're right. What does matter is that you're doing your absolute best and not dinking around. You have to answer to your conscious, and unlike the spouse you don't get the luxury of lying to yourself.
Yeah I hear that Soloflex. If there is one thing I realized is when you actually put the focus back on yourself, what your perception of reality is, and are brutally honest with yourself about yourself, your own shortcomings, theirs, etc, You start to really see the similarities of the unattractive qualities and discrepancies (possibly in different areas of your life) of yourself and your partner being the same. Like does indeed attract like in a sense. Plus, you get great clairity of the effed up dynamics. Soloflex. Im finally ridding the guilt of my shortcomings, starting to take more action, and using it as fuel post divorce. I'm not worried about her perception anymore. Only my frame and perception matters now. I had a bit of a 3am anxious rager moment last week. Couldn't figure out why. Did 60 push ups to alleviate the rage, and introspected on it. Its because all the prior R talks always left me feeling completely misunderstood. That's when I truly realized only my perception counts, my principles, values, core beliefs, etc. If they don't line up with theirs, if there are communication issues, different belief issues. Let them go. Waste of time, space, and effort.
Just out of curiosity? What branch of service? I'm not military, but have mariners and army in family. Was involved with para military until BD. Thank you for supporting our country.
I'm beginning to understand what you're talking about, the whole stepping back and examining my faults and W's faults (and both have many).
It's hard to see your spouse with the rose colored glasses off. I'm starting to do it now, and it's an eye opener. It's easier (for me) to honestly look at myself and pick out faults to work on. I kinda enjoy that. To be honest, I feel more alive now than anytime I can remember. Truly is "Use the Time Wisely" moment, it IS a gift.
For me anger often stems from trying to control what I have no control over. That breeds frustration and anger. Probably my biggest growth since my sitch had been letting go of that which I can't control.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
For me anger often stems from trying to control what I have no control over. That breeds frustration and anger. Probably my biggest growth since my sitch had been letting go of that which I can't control.
That's a great point Steve,
Such a hard thing too. My W and I have these phone trackers so that we can see where each other is, and it beeps when either of us get home or arrive at work. We got it so we'd always be able to help each other if one was in trouble.
This weekend I turned off the alerts on my phone, and haven't looked once to see where she is. Essentially I have no idea where she is, or what she's doing. She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions about where she is and what she's doing. I don't need to know. Baby steps, thank you Jesus.
For me anger often stems from trying to control what I have no control over. That breeds frustration and anger. Probably my biggest growth since my sitch had been letting go of that which I can't control.
Im exactly the same. That was my biggest 180. I showed that 180 immediately upon confirmation of the PA. EXWW just knew I was going to go ballistic. She just knew I would tell her work and tell OMW. That I would try and control the situation.
I did nothing but take a huge step back. I slipped and pursued a few times. But the constant rejection pushed me to understand that all I can control is myself. So im doing just that.
All you have to do is truly let go. Truly drop all expectations of your MR having any chance.
Focus solely on yourself and doing what makes you happy. Boy do they get pissed when you drop the rope. But when you drop the rope, you also step off the emotional rollercoaster as well.
Its like being reborn. You will get there one day and think "why wasnt I doing this before?!?" "I am whats important so this is what I am doing to better me no matter what!!!"
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
