^^^ I second that. Limbo [censored]. Not even because of W but because of having to go through all the trouble of dividing your time, your assets, your belongings, selling your home, finding a new one, getting all the documents and agreements ready, packing and throwing all your stuff in storage, selling stuff to reduce clutter, additional expenses, work, rescheduling plans, maintain all the bull$hit. All this alone, little GAL time, and all the stress, along with the smugness of W, while they pamper themselves, and make a $hit ton of social plans, is enough to make me want to throw W from a train. A W that causes you all this trouble because of their feelings, is no W at all IMO
Your sitch is different then most here because you really haven’t been b yet and there is no evidence of an A.
So as far as the talks if your doing it as a way to reconnect and save your marriage then (which I believe you are) that’s your NGS kicking in.
Limbo is the worst to place to be. Everything afterwards it starts to get easier.
LH - yeah my sitch is bizarre but I know my W. She’s done. I feel like I’m working my way through the 5 stages of grief. Down the road I would like things to be amicable for the sake of my kids. I don’t feel like I’m really in limbo. I feel like she has already indicated her intentions.
It’s just confusing right now. A truly secure NGS-free person could talk to his WAS with no expectations. The hard line DB stuff feels like a means to protect us NGS folks from making mistakes. I don’t know... I truly believe she’s done, I’m grieving the loss, I don’t like it, but it is what it is. In that sense I’m pretty close to releasing the rope. In which case I’m kinda free to do whatever I feel like.
Of course this may be my brain tricking me into continuing to seek recon.
DB is a way to better yourself, for yourself. Its to empower you to be the best version of yourself possible. Its so you can accept your own value and love yourself. It is to protect your emotional health.
DB will get you to a point where you are self sufficient, self loving and just maybe, your spouse will notice your changes and remember how important you are to them. Then they will recognize what they need to do to keep you.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Sorry but... I’m frustrated, I’m triggered. Why do I have to put up with this for 2 more months? Why should I not just tell my W “listen we aren’t communicating well, I feel super distant from you, what is going on? Do you want to work on this or are you done?” Her put downs and disdain no matter what I do at this point. Why is she going to respect for me going away when that is exactly what she wants?!
Sorry but... I’m frustrated, I’m triggered. Why do I have to put up with this for 2 more months? Why should I not just tell my W “listen we aren’t communicating well, I feel super distant from you, what is going on? Do you want to work on this or are you done?” Her put downs and disdain no matter what I do at this point. Why is she going to respect for me going away when that is exactly what she wants?!
You can say this. No one will stop you.
But if you do, you should be prepared to hear things you do not want to hear. Prepare for pain, prepare for wrath, prepare to be blamed for everything under the sun, even if you dont deserve all of it.
Trust me, U - she is not thinking in the same manner as you. Her perspective is not in alignment with yours. My W was the most sane, rational human I ever knew. Until 9 months ago. Flip the switch and within 3 weeks she makes zero sense anymore and has a wavering brain fog. Everyone sees it, and so many people tell.me she has changed.
but W thinks it's me that is causing all the problems. That's her truth. It's not an objective truth, but it is valid because it is hers.
IW - I know man. Even if I ask a simple “how are you?” She comes back with this angry “I’m okay! HOW ARE YOU?!” Like basically don’t ask. I’m the devil. The seething anger behind her expressions and words. It is so screwed. I have to say... she’s doing a fantastic job propelling me towards wanting to be single dad.
Ok deep breath... I get that she needs to see me this way and go tell all her family and friends how I’m some terrible piece of sh*t human being to justify leaving. That the anger is the fuel she needs to exit the atmosphere. Today she’s angry that I spent some time playing with the kids before I leave for work travel tomorrow.
It just feels so disrespectful. And I get that the anger does that too... it drives me away. Guess what? At some point, I don’t deserve this treatment. Tell me you are thinking a lot about our future. Tell me ILYBINILWY. Stop acting like I’m a mental patient or a threat. I’m a person, the man you married, the man you had 3 kids with. Secret planning for months to bomb drop me? When it’s clear as day what you’re doing? Honestly, I don’t want this person in my life right now. I want to be alone with my kids. I want to be by myself. This woman is an alien to me.
Right now your mind set has to be strength and what is best for you and the kids. Start today!
U: How are you? W: argh gruff How are you? U: please don't talk to me in that tone especially infront of the kids. I am sorry you're having a bad day but please don't take it out on me. Then walk away.
It won't change anything but you will start to chip away at getting your respect back.
Your W is doing to you what mine did to me before BD. My EXWW started treating me horribly bad. She was telling me things like "you are a horrible man, you are a horrible husband, you are a horrible father". She told me things like "you have a really low bar for yourself". She was pushing me away. That is what seems to be happening in your situation.
My EXWW was ramping up her PA with OM during this time. Nothing I said or did stopped her from treating me this way. Every single interaction was her berating me and mistreating me. The best thing I could do was just ignore her. Legit no contact. The only thing that I spoke with her about was the kids schedule and asking her what bills I needed to pay.
Its time for you to pull away. Give her what she wants. Show her that you value your time and energy more than she does.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Yeah I feel myself pulling away. I guess her mindset that I have a personality disorder or I’m abusive are the scary thoughts. What will she try to do? It freaks me out. If anything she’s acting crazy, screaming at the kids today so loud I had to confront her (which she predictably did not like). I just said calmly “everybody in this house needs to stop yelling” and she got all angry and defensive. I guess I had enough of her taking out her inner turmoil on my kids. Then she went and cried in the other room. Oh well spent nice time with my kids. Time to go for business trip.
She wont do anything. Its all a show to get a negative reaction from you. Just focus on yourself. If she approaches you with negativity. Tell her that you will not be mistreated and remove yourself from the situation. That is all that will work. Protect yourself from the emotional abuse by not feeding into it. Remember, its not you, its her. Shes battling with her own issues. You are an outlet to blame them on.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
