I guess that all these new behaviors could be temp checks keeping me as back up plan. Or her giving me bread crumbs just to keep me around. I need to be a little bit firmer with her that I am not available to her. Will work on it , thanks again.
If she was having second thoughts she would say “I noticed your changes and I’m having second thoughts and have decided to not move out and work on the marriage”.
I haven’t read your entire thread just the last few posts and all I can say is your W loves cake and you are stuffing it down her throat.
She’s manipulating you. You are plan b. She wants to move out and sleep with other men and keep you around if it doesn’t work out as planned.
The kicker is she wants you to deliver the mattress she will be sleeping with other men on. No fuching way!
Sorry to be so straight forward about it.
Hey lh thanks for the reply, Yeah you are right, she is definitely cake eating now. I think around BD she thought she was with out a doubt done with me. But after seeing my DB changes she is now temp checking and cake eating to keep me as plan B. I must have mistaken her change in attitude as her having interest in the MR again.
What exactly do you mean when you say less available to her?
Well I have been accepting most of her invitations to do things: swim lessons with our S, going to dinner, going shopping stuff like that. Around BD she wanted nothing to do with me so I viewed her wanting to do things with me again as progress toward R. Thanks
Don't beat yourself for thinking that is progress. It is, just not to the extent that you think. Below is a post I have saved and I think will beneficial to you.
Your wife believes you are the reason she is unhappy. As you probably know, the only way she's going to overcome that deeply held belief is for you to open the cage door and completely cut her free. If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:
1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value 2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone 3) She's willing to work to win you
Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.
Given that you have to make things worse before they can possibly get better, separation may not be a bad choice, but I would advise pursuing a separation with the same rules you would have if you were divorced, which is to say that you don't continue to comingle your lives (aside from the kids) and you are free to live your own lives without social accountability to the other person.
That way she can really see if that way of life is better or worse for her. Prepare yourself that in the beginning she will view it as better, mainly because she'll find new found freedom and has convinced herself that it’s what she wants. It may take six months or two years for reality to set in, but it certainly will.
My advice would be to lean in to what she wants, agree to separate, and work productively with her on the plan with the presentation that you're on board and plan to enjoy this change also. That's going to make her wonder. You want her to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell her anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.
Yeah I agree at this point the separation is inevitable. Her mom and her will be moving out in 4 days. They have already gotten a tiny apartment and ordered furniture. I have gone through a transformation since BD and although it’s only been about a month and a half I have made some great consistent changes.
My thinking is that I have been spending time with her while still busy with GAL so she can see my consistent changes and can start seeing me as extremely high value like you mentioned. Then, in 4 days when she moves out, I will be far less available to her. I plan on declining her invitations save for maybe 1 a week, we will see. I plan on really focusing on myself when she moves out and I think she will see that I’m not going to be there for her every call.
I believe from her actions lately, that she thinks I will be open to doing all kinds of things together with her after she moves out, but that will not be the case. I think she intends to cake eat after moving out but that isnt going to happen. Thanks for the information!
Your statement is confusing (which is good in some sense).
Maybe working Saturday as well. Maybe help W on Sat.
If she ask about sat again:
H:"I told you I was busy"
Thanks Ready, So yeah I told W I was busy Saturday. Kept it short but that I wouldn’t help get mattress. We had swim class with S today, I am considering doing this alone with S after W moves out, even though she is convinced we will still do shyt like that together. Cake eating...
Some journaling from today: Before we left she said “will you take me to dinner after swim class?” I smoothly replied “take you to dinner? I only take girls I’m dating to dinner”. She got all upset over this and began spewing a bit. “What!? Who are you dating? What girls? We are married!” To this I replied “not when you move out in a few days” or something like that. Anyway she was all hyped up that I had said that and wouldn’t drop it till after swim. I wasn’t implying that I was dating yet but that I only take my romantic interests to dinner, not this weird friend zone husband and wife limbo.
When we got home I put S to bed and started doing some work around the house. W asked me to come watch a show with her. I said I’m busy but maybe in a little. I was pretty beat after work, hockey and swim class so I ended up on the couch watching with her. She kept touching me with her feet. There was some flirting and eventually a comment was said about s*x. I forget exactly what but I said, “I’m always down to mess around.” To which she replied “one last hurrah eh?” I replied “yup”. So to me this meant in her mind we are done, or maybe she is trying to get a reaction out of me. Don’t know don’t care just a thought.
We had some chit chat and at one point she started shyt testing me. Something about emotional men were on TV and she said “you’re an emotional man, a real basket case. Stage 5 clinger”. All of which is nowhere near accurate in describing me because if anything I’ve been emotionally distant to her lol. She must have been hoping for a reaction but only got a side ways “uh what” glance from me. Later I said something to her and refer to her as a “friend” hahaha. She got all pissed and said “were married!!” Not trying to be a jerk and I said it in a joking manner but I want no doubts that I’m not being her plan B.
A bit later I got up to do my GAL before bed activity, reading. She asked where I was going and acted a little upset when I left. Crazy WaWs am I right? She is walking out of the marriage and moving out of the house but is upset that I walk away from her watching hours of reality tv. Seems about right. That’s it for now, thanks.
