Three weeks from today is our 21st anniversary. This will be the first time there's a big calendar date for us since I was aware this MLC started. What do I do?!?!?
There's all kinds of space to put pressure on her (not intentionally).
I was going to make her a steak and crab legs dinner (and hope for some romance) and then all this happened.
On one hand, this is a special day and should be marked..... on the other hand, would the pressure of potentially sleeping with me really turn her off in her current MLC state? What about the gift? Flowers?
I hadn't even considered this until now. I would feel so bad as a husband for her to come home from work and I'm already at the gym or just saying bye I'm off to the gym.
I know most people here are separated from their spouse on the board (not me, not yet)..... but I'm sure many get a chance to be intimate at some point during one of the swinging emotions. Is it a setback to take it? Not to be too crude..... I'm looking and feeling better than I have in a long time, my aggression and testosterone are off the charts. I'd love to bang some sanity into her.
It’s hard but the quicker you get the dB basics ingrained the easier it will be . No expectations is the way I would go , as the banging sanity back into her . It would be a miracle tbh . Your hopes and expectations are gonna drag you deeper into the fog
Here's my dream, my hope, my prayer (I'm sure everyone has it when starting): The W/H is unhappy and pushed over the edge by "something". Maybe it's the job, maybe it's life in general, maybe they are a bomb that was going to go off no matter what. Who knows. (I subscribe to the bomb that will go off no matter what at this point). The W/H is suffering on the inside, and yes they have to go thru this process on their own.
What I have noticed is there are two different people at work in my W's body. There's the "remnant" of the old..... remnant because it's all busted up and isn't functioning properly. There are glimpses of clarity, but mostly it's a shadow of what it once was. Then there's the "new whatever" it is. It's cold, unhappy, hateful, self-loathing. The "remnant" is losing.... it's tired and weak. The "new whatever" is going to win, it's just a matter of time and what pressures strengthen it until it reaches dominance. That's what the detachment here is attempting to do(IMO).... deprive the H/W's "new whatever" of negative strength it needs to survive, and strengthen the good spouse at the same time so they can hold on and also attempt to attract the attention of the "remnant H/W" so it can wake up and try to reassert control. The cake eating isn't you talking to your H/W, you're being played by the "new whatever". It's evil, it hates you, it's toying with you. It isn't your H/W. That's why people keep saying "Don't believe anything it says, only believe half of what it does". I think there's something else to that on a spiritual level.
The real break and death of the M is when the "new whatever" wins and becomes the primary personality. That's when the real A (or A's) happens. That's when the LBS gives up. That's when the M is dead forever. Now the "new whatever" is smart..... what tricks us is it's been there, working before showing it's hand.... gaining that foothold. That's why we get blindsided, that's why we don't know it's there until it's out of control. (IMO)
The main concern I have (and I assume most have) is what I've read says a (W)MLC lasts typically 2-5 years and then the process is over. The "remnant" returns, has remorse and shame.... and may or may not reconnect (Issues: Pride, Shame, Unforgivable) .... but "Remnant" was there the whole time, just overshadowed. And the "Remnant" has taken damage. It isn't the same after all this, how could it? It watched itself destroy everything and throw what it cared about most into the garbage.
Now what can snap them out??? If what is left of the original person is in there, watching to some extent..... of course changes can be noticed. The "new whatever" will hate the changes (it wants to stay in control), but it's not the sole occupant of the vessel. I've seen a vid on YouTube from a MLC'er who confirms it. It doesn't make it easy for them to snap out, but it does mean they are fighting with themselves like a Schizophrenic or Bi-Polar. How else do they dip high and then dip low? Can the cycle be be interrupted? Well we know a full break can help (D), but by then the LBS has quit and the H/W wakes up to a reality where all is lost. We can sort of simulate D by doing a perfect detachment and hope it spooks them to the same effect.
Hi SoloFlex - reading up on your situation. So sorry you are here, but there are great people here
I have often wondered the same thing about my W, what you describe above is very nearly what I have experienced in the past 8 months with my W. There are glimpses of who she really is, interspersed with the changed version or "new whatever", as you put it. I have been able to determine that during these times W is living exclusively through her pain, extremely negative energy force that consumes everything during those moments. And she is directing that energy almost exclusively at myself (some at her sister).
For me, at this point the MR doesnt matter anymore. I cant go back and wouldn't want to. What I ca do is protect myself while she determines her own best way forward, whatever that looks like.
The only way to defeat this negative influx of energy overwhelming her is with love. And for each of us, because our situations are all unique, we have to figure out how to show our S's love. For me right now, temporarily, its giving her space, and it's not being there to take the hits when she lashes out.
In time you will determine the best way to deal with your W's situation. My best wishes to you!
Really a big part of it was I got too soft.I deferred too much in this girl-power environment we live in. I wasn't decisive, wasn't assertive, and just wasn't as manly as I should have been.
This is something you can change instantaneously.
In my experience a woman cannot help but react differently once the man in her midst "mans up".
During my "situation" I went to great lengths to be as "manly" as possible and we had sex throughout it, even after she had moved out and, after she returned, when we were sleeping in separate bedrooms.
Originally Posted by SoloFlex
It would have happened anyway because of issues in her childhood and stresses at work (I'm a part of the problem but I'm not THE problem).
If your wife had a chaotic and neglected childhood then this unravelling was pre-determined long before she met you.
Explosives were packed into her psyche when she was young and were bound to be detonated at some point.
Originally Posted by SoloFlex
I've started to work out again (I get addicted to fitness)
Good.
Originally Posted by SoloFlex
So new to this process, but I'm learning voraciously.
Good.
Originally Posted by SoloFlex
I don't want to miss an opportunity to work on this early if such a thing exists. I've seen people talk about "catching it early" and I'm not sure what that means.
The earlier the better.
But, if there is a line of communication open then there is hope.
What happened to your W when she was young?
Based on what you've told me I'm sure it's an MLC. My W's MLC lasted 6-7 years.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Holy crap GH.... 6-7 years.... arrragh. LOL But she did come out of it? Or you're still in it?
I'm very curious how it ends....... I've read where it's like a light bulb being turned on.... other places that it's a very slow and gradual process. Sometimes they realize how bad they've been, and other times how they don't remember everything (or everything from the life before).
For the toughening up and manliness improvement I'm reading "Be Irresistible" and "Unlock her legs" both by Dominic Mann and "What Women want in a Man" by Bruce Bryans. Amazing how much of these traits I've lost or suppressed during M.
I think two pregnancies during her MLC prolonged it.
Read the long post by Hearts Blessing on here. It was my wife to a T. AmyC also had amazing insights.
Manliness is next to godliness.
There are several fantastic resources which I read during my years of hell. I've not heard of the ones you mentioned but I will look them up. It's so important.
Whenever I've paid attention to this subject in my own marriage we end up having sex more often, as if by magic.
There is literally nothing bad that can come of paying attention to this matter.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
