Thank you FS, for the perspective and for the kind words. And that’s good for me to remember; that this isn’t all about detaching all the time. I feel like I went so far in the other direction for so long that now I’m going all in with detaching. I’ve been going to extremes and am still struggling to find the balance.
I also don’t speak with anyone who I know through my daughter about my sitch. I’d like to assume that my husband doesn’t either, but we didn’t really discuss it specifically. It’s a 180 for me to not try to find out and control what he does or doesn’t say, so I’m going with letting it go and hoping he will hold that line with people in our daughters sphere. It is absolutely possible that people might know and just not say anything, and id like to hope people would be polite enough not to question me if they did know. For me ( and my control issues haha) I mostly just want to know exactly who knows and who doesn’t. But letting go of worrying about that is worth the small amount of mental freedom.
I had a hiccup with H this evening and I’m having lots of mixed feelings. Our daughter(3) asked him to come to her soccer practice to watch her (it’s in the middle of the weekday afternoon) and he got excited and said maybe he’d try to take her sometime. This triggered me because a) he’d never have taken off work for that before he moved out, and b) I didn’t like that he worded it that way; that he’d take her himself as opposed to meeting us there and coming to watch. I reacted poorly and showed my feelings a bit more than I’d like, and he was confused and didn’t understand why I was upset. I explained and he apologized but I was feeling like he didn’t really get it and was just pacifying me (old pattern between us) and I was annoyed. Just now before he left he brought it up and asked if I felt ok about it (180 for him to bring up an issue, he’s typically a major under-the-rug guy) and we talked about it some. I told him what I had been feeling but that I realized that I was having expectations from him that were unrealistic at this point. I told him that I appreciated his apologizing (which is also a 180 for him, he is not an apologizer) and that I appreciate his think h about it, and that I acknowledge that I may have over reacted. I suppose it went quite well, when all is said and done. It’s just very unnerving to have any kind of negativity between us arise. It all feels so tenuous, and I get scared any time we have any tension or a negative exchange. I know how irrational and unrealistic it is, but I put immense pressure on myself to avoid having any negative feelings around him, for fear of scaring him off further. It’s painful to tho k that for me, getting through that with him the way we did feels like a win and a step in the right direction, and to him it may just be a reminder of why he left. But I am human, and I do have feelings and I know I can’t ramp them all down all the time. It’s just scary to be human around him at the moment, I suppose. Anyway, I hope I handled it all ok. I am sitting here torn over whether I should text him to reiterate my apology for over reacting, or if that would be too pursuant and I should just leave it as is. UGH. THIS. IS. SO. HARD.
That would have triggered me too. It's interesting seeing you wrestle with your control issues, that sounds very much like my H's behaviour over the years. It's taken BD for me to see why these control issues exist and to have some empathy for my H. It's ok to have negative reactions and to be triggered, as long as it gets repaired. Your H sounds like he dealt with it well and was understanding and did his side of the repair. I don't think a friendly text would hurt either way, as long as it's 'sorry for over-reacting earlier' and then continuing onto another topic. Don't fret about it too much, having a problem and then repairing is healthier than fake positive interactions all the time I think.
I would examine your motivations, Hope. Are you wanting to apologize again because you need him to tell you it is okay, again, and offer some more reassurance? Are you fearful that things are broken, and wanting to control how he feels about the interaction - making sure he feels okay about it all, and isn't bearing a grudge? (I mention this only from my own experience - when I am persistent with apologies it is often about soothing my own anxiety, or wanting a response from the other person to make me feel better, rather than a genuine and unselfish wish to repair or make amends.) It sounds like you both covered things fully in your conversation. Maybe the art to learn - for both of us - is in letting go and letting what has been repaired heal and move into the past.
Yes, my use of control to soothe my anxieties is a big part of what my husband took issue with in our marriage. And yes, hand in hand with that goes over apologizing and checking in after a hiccup to make sure everything is ok with my H. I came to the conclusion even before reading your response Alison, that my intentions with wanting to further apologize weren't completely pure---it was partly a desire to manage the situation and my anxiety around how he might be feeling, so I didn't text him. Saw him again last night and he appeared to have let it go. The evening was fine, I had dinner with H and our D3 before leaving for the rest of the evening. Then at our daughter's bedtime we had another small hiccup (again!?) i was frustrated with 3 year old's bed time antics and was feeling particularly unsupported by H. I swallow a lot of those moments these days, but this time I commented on it and he got a bit defensive. We did, however, talk it through and repair it pretty quickly (a new and very nice addition to the way we relate to each other). After we had talked it through, he sat down next to me to show me a picture on his phone. For a moment he looked at me, and I looked at him and it felt like a MOMENT, like something was about to happen or be said, and then he patted me on the back. I don't know what that was. On his way out the door he told me that he thinks I'm a phenomenal parent, which was very kind. I thanked him for saying that, and for talking things through with me. He said no problem, and stumbled over his words and said that he wants to...be good co-parents. UGH. As much as I try, those kind of comments just knock me down. It was all such a roller coaster over such a short period, and I was more upset than I have been in a while after he left. I don't know what to make of any of it (what else is new??) I fell all keyed up, so I'm trying to focus on managing my anxiety today, and on going into Mothers Day free of any expectations, which is proving to be surprisingly easy.
Well, it’s Mother’s Day. It’s making me feel sadder and more lonely than I expected, but I’m trying to have those feelings be ok and accept them so that hopefully they will pass. Whether they do or not, I’m looking forward to having a nice day with my daughter. Just a bit nervous to go it and see all the little families out and about, because in this moment I know it’s going to hurt.
When I got home last night my H had made (with the help of my daughter) a very sweet Mother’s Day card, with one of our kind of inside jokes on it. I’m touched and it makes me happy for sure, but it also makes me miss him and miss what I always thought this day would be like, with the three of us doing fun things together. I feel sad, but it’s ok that I do. I will keep my focus on my daughter, and I’m having as relaxing a day as possible with her.
Well, it’s Mother’s Day. It’s making me feel sadder and more lonely than I expected, but I’m trying to have those feelings be ok and accept them so that hopefully they will pass. Whether they do or not, I’m looking forward to having a nice day with my daughter. Just a bit nervous to go it and see all the little families out and about, because in this moment I know it’s going to hurt.
Very sorry you are having a down day, I hope you enjoyed your time with D. Regarding all the other happy little families- you'd be surprised how many of those have either gone through, are going through or will go through the same thing you are.
Mother's day is different in the UK - it was back in March, but it was a painful day for me too. H didn't really do anything, but because I didn't expect him to I bought myself a fairly fancy piece of jewellery and opened it on the day. It was painful, but it was okay.
Just seeing families full stop is very hard for me sometimes. The first few months it was almost unbearable. But it is good to remember that underneath the surface many, many families have problems and struggles and heartbreaks. If not right now, then they will in the future. Nobody gets out of life or out of families unscathed. I look back at previous blithe, unaware, unappreciative dilly and think how much she had to learn, and I look at young families and see how much they will suffer and learn in the future, and I sweat the small stuff of life a LOT less. Maybe it's good that you're learning these lessons earlier in life and in your daughter's life. This stuff is so hard, but we will come out of better people xx
I'm having lots of conflicting thoughts about my sitch these last few days. In some ways I do feel my H coming closer to me, but in a lot of ways those moments that used to give me hope just feel meaningless at this point. Those little things that in the recent past felt like signs of hope do not feel that way right now. It feels like we are just back to the plateau. I have continued to distance myself from him as much as I can while remaining warm and open. My therapist told me that at this point she feels like His ceaing of the divorce talk has less to do with him reconsidering us, and more to do with his inertia/paralysis around difficult logistical things (ie filing for divorce) combined with his desire to maintain a safely distant attachment/relationship with me (ie cake eating). And it is entirely possible that she is right and that is all this is. Once again I find myself at a point where if that IS all this is, I don't want to be a part of it. if he is trying to have a half marriage with me, I don't want to give that to him. At the same time, I can't completely silence the tiny voice that keeps telling me "just wait, he is warming up to you." UGH. H and I were talking about an upcoming Saturday on which our daughter has 2 birthday parties to attend, one whose mom is a friend of mine, and another for the child of his oldest,closest friend. When we discussed the logistics he suggested that we all go to both. This is significant because aside from the suggestion that we all spend the day together, he is inviting me to a social event with all of his closest friends. That hasn't happened since we separated a year ago. I was shocked, but played it off super casually and agreed that would be nice for our daughter. In my head, it felt like it must be a step forward, for him to want to include me with his friends after all this time. But the more I think about it, I have doubts. Doubts about whether I should go, and doubts about whether or not his inviting me is meaningful in any way. Going would be a bit nerve wracking for me, especially since there would surely be questions from the wives as to the meaning of my presence after all this time. Of course, if this would be a step toward recombining our lives, I would have to face that kind of awkwardness, and would be fine doing so. But part of me can't imagine why I'd put myself in that position without knowing there is a reason to do so. Do I go, on the off chance that my H is including me for a material reason (ie to experiment with how it feels to have me there, to slowly reintroduce me into his life)? Or do I decline, on the more likely chance that it's for no reason at all (ie just a casual invite that could possibly end in some serious cake eating in which I spend the afternoon chasing after our daughter and fielding awkward questions I can't answer, while he has a beer with his buddies.) ?
