So, H just told me he ended the relationship with OW.
Yesterday I broke all the rules and pretty much told him exactly how hurt I was. Blame it on emotions, blame it on a fever- I'm not even sure of what I said, but I have never broken down like this before. He stopped arguing and just sat and listened, I could see the pain in his face. I told him I wanted him to leave, that I would not be disrespected like this in my own home any longer.
I worked 1/2 day yesterday because I am still pretty sick. This makes it much easier as I have spent the past few days in bed so there are few interactions. H made dinner, skipped the gym, and I could hear him telling our son to please keep the house quiet for me. I avoided any contact. Today I was cordial, bu did not engage in any conversation. H texted me at one point. I responded. He texted again, I ignored as it did not require a response.
Tonight, H told me after our conversation yesterday he called OW and they ended it. She's worried she'll lose her kids, blah blah blah. Of course he still claims it was not a PA, just friends, but I know better.
He states that he still thinks he should leave. He no longer feels comfortable here, he does not want to sweep things under the rug and move on. He is still not happy with the state of our marriage. I agree, I am not happy with the state of our marriage, and frankly, he shouldn't feel comfortable in our home right now.
As much as I want to save my marriage, I think perhaps my H needs time to go figure things out. I need to figure out what I want. For now I will continue to focus on me and hopefully GAL as soon as I recover from whatever illness this is! H is going away on business next week. I think it will be good for us. Wherever our journey leads us from here, it will be long, and it will be hard, but I will be ok.
Remember to manage your expectations, don't get your hopes up, and don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does.
He may mean it right now but that can change tomorrow.
I like your mindset.
Absolutely ovrrnbw. I can only control myself. Understanding this is a complete 180 for me as I always felt the need to control everything. It is why I am so reactionary. Reminding myself to take a step back and breathe is helpful. Nothing needs to be taken care of in the moment, we are much more rational if we step back and take the time to really think things through.
I'm sure H will change his mind again and again, he has been for 3 months. I only hope that ending his A will help lift the fog a bit. I am not naive, I know he could run back to her tomorrow, I know I cannot trust him, I have zero expectations at this point- I am not hopeful, yet nor am I hopeless.
CSL, very sorry you are feeling bad, hope you are better soon!
Sometimes you have to vent on your spouse just to get things off your chest, it doesn't really help the sitch (or hurt it) but if you have to for you then you have to.
Sounds like you are taking the right approach and mindset about having no expectations. Like you say he's probably going to flip-flop for quite a while. And you are probably right that separation, as difficult as it is at first, may be best for both of you.
CSL, very sorry you are feeling bad, hope you are better soon!
Sometimes you have to vent on your spouse just to get things off your chest, it doesn't really help the sitch (or hurt it) but if you have to for you then you have to.
Sounds like you are taking the right approach and mindset about having no expectations. Like you say he's probably going to flip-flop for quite a while. And you are probably right that separation, as difficult as it is at first, may be best for both of you.
Thank you AS. I have not been this sick in years! I'm sure stress does not help in my recovery, but I am taking care of myself and getting rest and fluids. Hopefully back to 100% by the weekend as my student team and I are running a 5k!
As you said, sometimes you just need to vent. I feel much lighter. I don't think I had let myself fully cry yet, and I do need to mourn in order to move forward in my process.
I plan on giving my H the space he needs as I continue to GAL. We will see where things go from here.
I hope you're feeling better CSL. How is your health?
I'm not surprised you vented at your husband. I think you've been extremely restrained given the circumstances, and i know I've done similarly in the past. Sometimes it is just venting, and sometimes it has been part of setting a boundary. Sometimes I hear myself venting and I think - it isn't H that needs to listen to this, it's me - I need to listen to myself and understand truly how unacceptable I am finding this then make a change.
I am finally feeling better! Thank you AlisonUK! I think I had the flu that turned into bronchitis, but I'm on the mend!
I went to the gym for the first time in 2 weeks today and I feel pretty good H was away on business for the last 5 days so things were pretty quiet at home. To be honest, I am getting used to him not being around and I'm not sure if I'd say I like it, but I'm less anxious and eat and sleep well when he is not here. He texted often and called a few times, even calling me Hon in a text which was weird. When he called me last night I could tell he was a bit homesick. I'm not reading into anything, or at least not trying to....
I've learned a bit more information about the breakup with OW. Apparently it was more on her end. She found out that I knew she and I would be at the same event and panicked. She was worried I may confront her (such a joke- not my style). She told H they could not even be friends and could no longer talk because she is worried about losing her kids at this point and she can't take that chance. Who knows..... I have no reason to believe a word he says, but he has never even discussed OW with me. I did not see her at the event, but I was busy enjoying myself and was certainly not looking.
I'm not sure where I stand at this point. I am anxious about him coming home tonight, I almost don't want him here. I want to save my marriage, but I do not want to be married to this current version of my husband. For now I know I need to continue to GAL and focus on myself and my family. I have a job interview next week that I am very excited about. It would be a great move for me. I have dinner plans with friends tomorrow and I may try to sneak away for a day over this long weekend. The more I focus on me, the less I think about H.
So.... a lot has happened over the last week, but I'm still as confused as ever. This will be a long one!
H and I have had the opportunity to connect a lot over the last week, especially the holiday weekend as we were both home. Lots of time together, hugging, crying, kissing, and after a few drinks- sex. I am protecting myself, and truly did not read too much into it other than connection. I know it does not really change our situation at this point. H has acknowledged the hurt he has caused and seems truly remorseful. He has apologized multiple times, can't imagine the pain he has caused, and doesn't know how to live with himself. We have both been on an emotional roller coaster for the last week and neither one of us know where to go from here.
Last week we had both agreed that he should move out, which would make things easier for H. He no longer feels welcome in his home, he is uncomfortable in the day to day living. He feels as if I have moved on. Then, over the weekend he seemed good, lots of yard work, he cooked on the grill all weekend, and we enjoyed time together. He was able to fish and kayak with our S25. As we came out of the weekend the atmosphere changed. H says he is conflicted and does not know what he wants. He says if he leaves it will give both of us time to sort some things out. He would like to continue to talk, text, and date one another. If he stays, he's not sure what that would look like, where do we go from here? He does not know what he wants to do....
H is clearly depressed. He says he hates his job and is finding it difficult to find happiness in anything; baseball, fishing, the dog. The thought of leaving me and his home of 20+ years is overwhelming. He is also worried about the additional pain he will cause me if he leaves. When I suggested that he needs to do what he needs to do at this point, and although leaving is not what I want, I would not stand in his way, he said he does not know what he wants to do. Perhaps he is truly conflicted?
I don't think H is ready to reconcile. He has expressed that he is constantly worried every time he leaves the house. Am I wondering where he is? Do I think he is lying? If he leaves, he will not have to worry about these things- I feel like he wants to run away. I also need to acknowledge and remind myself that his affair ended just 2 weeks ago and I'm sure there are still feelings he is dealing with, especially since OW ultimately ended it.
As for me, I am back at the gym, feeling healthy. I've put a few pounds back on and have some good things to look forward to in my future. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I know he is leaving lots of crumbs here and there. That his suggestion of leaving and dating is plan B. I am truly at a loss- I go back and forth and don't know what to do....
H has found an apartment and is leaving at the end of the month. I was so torn the past month or so, and at times I wanted him to leave, but the reality of it is crushing. I knew the moment he went to look it would happen. Once he gets something is his head, he is determined to make it happen. He states he is crushed, hurt, and completely overwhelmed. I can see his sadness all over his face.
We have had many conversations over the past few days, and we both admit that this is the hardest thing we have ever had to do. H feels that this may be the best way to try to work on our relationship as our current situation is not working. We have both been on this rollercoaster and it is confusing for both of us. One moment we are hugging, laughing, connecting, and the next we are living in the state of awkward separation. I agree with H that we cannot continue to live the way we are living. I do not want him to leave, but there is nothing I can do to stop him.
I know he has done some terrible things in the past 4 months, but he is coming out of this fog and is more of the man I recognize and love. He is remorseful, apologetic, and recognizes that he has some work to do to earn back my trust. He can't even live with himself when he thinks of how much he hurt me. He continues to tell me how much he loves me and thinks that this is a new chapter in our marriage, that we have tried everything else and perhaps this is what we need. He worries that if he stays everything will get swept under the rug, we will move on, and nothing will get resolved. That we will eventually end up right back where we are today.
This is what he suggests our "new chapter" should look like- dating each other, out to dinner once a week, day trips to the beach, shopping, etc. Continue to talk and text on a regular basis. Visit the house on weekends to see the dog, mow, etc. He says he has not given up hope for us. He does not even want to tell anyone, yet recognizes we must. He suggested we tell people that we are taking some time apart to work on our relationship, he does not want to use the word 'separation'.
I am trying not to give up hope. I am trying to focus on the positive, that my H wants to try to work on things. I have screwed up a lot this past week. Lots of tears, lots of desperation, which I know is not attractive. It also stresses H out because he feels responsible and doesn't know how to fix it. Right there that should be my cue to get back to GAL. I did much better today. I put on a happy face, pleasant morning conversation, put on a kick a** outfit, went to work and the gym. And guess who texted me this afternoon?
I guess I will make the best of the next 30 days, continue to GAL, and hope for the best.
Last edited by job; 06/01/1911:07 AM. Reason: removed former links and edited first sentence
Ugh, that sounds really difficult. Be careful, ok? Don't get your expectations too high. Control your emotions as much as you can (this is hard, really hard). Breathe. GAL. Breathe some more.
H was away on business for the last 5 days so things were pretty quiet at home. To be honest, I am getting used to him not being around and I'm not sure if I'd say I like it, but I'm less anxious and eat and sleep well when he is not here. He texted often and called a few times, even calling me Hon in a text which was weird. When he called me last night I could tell he was a bit homesick. I'm not reading into anything, or at least not trying to....