New to DB and (W)MLC, never thought it'd be me

[SoTorn]

Like hurt says, you will be fine. Yes its good to recognize your toxic behaviors and 180 them. But thats for you. You made up 50% of a half. The other 50% is on her.

It takes time, focus and patience to detach. But that is your main goal. You need to emotionally detach yourself from her.

The longer you stay attached the longer you will hurt. It is extremely counterintuitive to do it. But it works. Meaning it works by saving yourself and making yourself emotionally healthy, attractive, assertive and desirable.

Your goal is to get to a point where you accept your M is over, but you know you will be fine and a much better person than before.

Stop wondering why or what she is doing. Stop making decisions based on how you think she will react. What she does doesn't matter. What you do only needs to matter to you.

Think about what will make you happy. Focus on what you need to do to be the best version of yourself possible for yourself. Once you get to the point where you love yourself, you may not want to R with your W by the time you get to that point.

But I promise that once you detach and drop that rope, you will no longer be riding the emotional rollercoaster. You will be much more wise, patient, and will have a completely new perspective on everything.

When you have that perspective and are no longer hurting, you may not even want your W back.

Your W has to take her own journey. What she does is for her to decide and you shouldn't allow her actions to get a reaction out of you at all.

She will notice that you are changed. But it would be up to her to work on herself and to make the decision if she wants to R with you. She would need to prove to you that she is committed to fixing the M. She would need to show you she has changed by showing consistent actions over a long period of time.

Once you are detached, you can decide if you want to keep shining a light on the path for her, or just to move on.

I personally decided to move on. Because my new perspective ahowed me that ai deserve so much better than what my STBXWW was giving me.

Time to do you and make yourself happy.

[SoloFlex]

Hi Hurt,
Thank you for that assessment. Very very helpful.

I fully admit I'm not prepared to get my head around the idea of OM happening at this moment. I know that's where most of these things begin at.
I do believe an A is inevitable on this path. That I have come to terms with (well, in theory anyway).

I suppose everyone starts off thinking/hoping their spouse will be strong enough to go thru something like this and not cheat until (at least) separation (or maybe one of the real few and not at all)..... but I understand MLC is a totally different animal.

Here's my dream, my hope, my prayer (I'm sure everyone has it when starting): The W/H is unhappy and pushed over the edge by "something". Maybe it's the job, maybe it's life in general, maybe they are a bomb that was going to go off no matter what. Who knows. (I subscribe to the bomb that will go off no matter what at this point).
The W/H is suffering on the inside, and yes they have to go thru this process on their own.

What I have noticed is there are two different people at work in my W's body. There's the "remnant" of the old..... remnant because it's all busted up and isn't functioning properly. There are glimpses of clarity, but mostly it's a shadow of what it once was.
Then there's the "new whatever" it is. It's cold, unhappy, hateful, self-loathing. The "remnant" is losing.... it's tired and weak. The "new whatever" is going to win, it's just a matter of time and what pressures strengthen it until it reaches dominance. That's what the detachment here is attempting to do(IMO).... deprive the H/W's "new whatever" of negative strength it needs to survive, and strengthen the good spouse at the same time so they can hold on and also attempt to attract the attention of the "remnant H/W" so it can wake up and try to reassert control. The cake eating isn't you talking to your H/W, you're being played by the "new whatever". It's evil, it hates you, it's toying with you. It isn't your H/W. That's why people keep saying "Don't believe anything it says, only believe half of what it does". I think there's something else to that on a spiritual level.

The real break and death of the M is when the "new whatever" wins and becomes the primary personality. That's when the real A (or A's) happens. That's when the LBS gives up. That's when the M is dead forever. Now the "new whatever" is smart..... what tricks us is it's been there, working before showing it's hand.... gaining that foothold. That's why we get blindsided, that's why we don't know it's there until it's out of control. (IMO)

The main concern I have (and I assume most have) is what I've read says a (W)MLC lasts typically 2-5 years and then the process is over. The "remnant" returns, has remorse and shame.... and may or may not reconnect (Issues: Pride, Shame, Unforgivable) .... but "Remnant" was there the whole time, just overshadowed. And the "Remnant" has taken damage. It isn't the same after all this, how could it? It watched itself destroy everything and throw what it cared about most into the garbage.

Now what can snap them out??? If what is left of the original person is in there, watching to some extent..... of course changes can be noticed. The "new whatever" will hate the changes (it wants to stay in control), but it's not the sole occupant of the vessel. I've seen a vid on YouTube from a MLC'er who confirms it. It doesn't make it easy for them to snap out, but it does mean they are fighting with themselves like a Schizophrenic or Bi-Polar. How else do they dip high and then dip low? Can the cycle be be interrupted? Well we know a full break can help (D), but by then the LBS has quit and the H/W wakes up to a reality where all is lost. We can sort of simulate D by doing a perfect detachment and hope it spooks them to the same effect.

Here's one thing that I keep thinking about which really affected me, and now affects me more than ever:
I've had deep conversations with my MIL about what she did when my W was young (abandoned her H and girls to run off with OM). She never went back, but deeply regretted that she didn't (was unforgivable). I think I'm the only person she's ever told this to.When the dad remarried a decade later, she called me in a panic..... she was frantic. She always believed she would someday go home, be forgiven and return to family. Incredible. She never forgave herself which had to happen before she could ask her (ex)H to forgive her. Tragic.

My conclusion/theory:
My W was a bomb ready to go off at any time and she's following her mom's formula (the formula she observed personally as a kid):
1. Work yourself to death in the corporate world.
2. Hit a glass ceiling
3. Mental breakdown
4. Run off with OM.
It is so easy to see now that I'm looking. I had no idea these things repeat in the children.
She has done #1, then hit the #2 glass ceiling thing in Dec. She's been in #3 ever since. #4 is incoming.
I know this is the case because she hated her mom and what she did. Now she is glorifying her (in this reduced mental state).
The thing about her mom was.... she could have been saved in #1-#3..... it was #4 that ended everything.
Where am I at with my W? #3.... and why I'm learning as much as possible..... fast.
It is a marathon and it is also a sprint.

How does this fit in DB'ing? I'm not sure yet. All the books are on their way to me and between them and this place I hope to learn a lot.


Wow, I guess I went berserk on this post...... still sorting out my thoughts and feelings.
At least I've learned at lot in two weeks. LOL

-SoloFlex

[SoloFlex]

Very wise ST, thank you.

So I know from looking around that there is a lot of focus on people protecting themselves (very smart and necessary).

The main theme seems to be cutting off attachment when dealing with something which isn't your H/W.


Is this what the books are about? The videos on YouTube, she's all about saving the marriage and says most can be saved.

[LH19]

S,

I have to say I am very impressed with your knowledge and how your handling yout situation. I spend most of my time on here trying to get newbies to make matters worse. I am a big proponent that you can't make your situation better early on but you can make them worse.

I hope you're not right about MLC because if that's the case you are going to be in for a long painful journey. Based on what I have read from you, I would say you have a good chance to turn this around if you are willing to be strong and patient.

Good luck and keep posting.

[SoTorn]

Very wise ST, thank you.

So I know from looking around that there is a lot of focus on people protecting themselves (very smart and necessary).

The main theme seems to be cutting off attachment when dealing with something which isn't your H/W.


Is this what the books are about? The videos on YouTube, she's all about saving the marriage and says most can be saved.

In the end, the goal, if you want it to be, and the hope, is that you bettering yourself will save your M. That is the end game.

However, the path is what you need to focus on. The path is where you focus and solely work on you.

DB theory is that you are making a stronger you and in some cases, because of this, the WW/WAS sees that you are who they should continue their life with. According to DB, this phase isnt even the hard part. The hard part is when/if the WW comes back and you start piecing your R back together.

Yes, I gave up on hope. I stopped shining the light. I decided that my WW having sex with another man on top of treating me extremely badly, was an absolute dealbreaker.

Thats a decision each individual will need to make on their own.

As long as you keep doing things with an expectation that your MR will be saved, you will continue to hurt and you wont detach.

You need to go from "maybe if I show her I have changed she will come back/snap out of it" to "I am making these changes for myself and no matter what I am going to be a better person, a bright shining star in the sky, and whether or not she sees this and comes back doesnt matter, because I know I will be fine and that my next relationship, whether it be MR 2.0, or with another woman, will have the best version of me in attendance "

Having hope that you will have MR 2.0 is a good thing. Only you can decide how long you hold out hope and if thats something you want to do.

I am 38. I decided that I was not going to spend the remainder of my 30s hoping and waiting for this hateful, cheating version of my WW to recognize her issues, work on them, love herself again and decide to come back. Life is fleeting and each year of my life is just way to valuable to spend on someone who could hurt me so badly, so easily.

[SoloFlex]

Great advise..... certainly makes me think "real world".

Tonight I went to church (alone), and it was one of those times like the pastor was speaking just to me.
The message was to be a warrior AND a caregiver.


-SoloFlex

[Gerda]

Solo, get ready for a marathon. If you are a church goer, check out rejoice ministries. They send a daily e-mail that has helped get me through six years of standing.

[SoloFlex]

Six years of standing..... wow. I'm so sorry.

How do you do it?

[gzabetas]

I am 38. I decided that I was not going to spend the remainder of my 30s hoping and waiting for this hateful, cheating version of my WW to recognize her issues, work on them, love herself again and decide to come back. Life is fleeting and each year of my life is just way to valuable to spend on someone who could hurt me so badly, so easily.

This entire thread is gold.

SoTorn your reply above is something I am printing and gluing to my wall!!

So well put, as if my inner mind was talking to me.

God, I love this forum!!

[SoloFlex]

This is such a fascinating process.....

I've been changing my behaviors like crazy, really proud of that. Very pleasantly detaching and building distance (in some areas, not all).
I think she's enjoying the extra space (I can see the less stress in her) and I've been lining up things to do away from the house like crazy.
I'm doing all this for me, if she likes it.... that's a bonus, but I'm not doing it for her (consciously anyway, subconscious is a different beast).

We had started running together before the BD, and I haven't this last week because of shinsplints. What I really want to do is take aerobics class.... so today I told her once my knee was feeling good again I was thinking about not running and taking aerobics instead. She said "you could join a gym".
Great!!!! One of the things I've learned in business (and M) is get people to think it's their idea. That was my goal. Turn something that could be a confrontation and instead I have a blank check to take as many classes at the gym that I want.Then if she does miss me at some point, she already knows she had a hand in it (IF she misses me, if she doesn't'.... too bad).

Not a bad day.

-SoloFlex