Met with W for about 3 hours last night. I put kids to bed at her house and then we had some wine. This is how it went
She admitted "situational" depression. But also talked about how bad her childhood was. She packed many belongings over the weekend and said she hit rock bottom. She saw a Facebook pic of our daughter from 4 years ago and lost control at work she admitted alienating herself from family and it cut deep, especially since they think i walk on water.
I told her she became a monster and impossible to deal with. She owned up to it and knows she will need more counseling. She wants me as a friend and I was hesitant to answer. She knows this will take a long time to heal from
She knows she is financially ruined and did not ask me for any help. Shes had friends help her with moving expenses.
We talked about moving on and she is still head over heels for OM. Saying he doesn't have money but quit doing drugs, got a job and fills her emotional needs. He has helped her emotionally through this journey and feels most men would have run away by this point. Marriage/moving in together is not on the table at this point. She is happy for me as well
We embraced, held hands and shared many tears. We almost kissed but she pulled back. She apologized for break up of the M and I admitted my part as well. She hasn't had time to miss me because of how volatile it has been, but has missed some things up to this point. She feels bad for the kids and lost it when we talked about them.
It seemed the most genuine talk we've had in over a year. She wants to continue talks and told me she wants me to be there for her emotionally. I am conflicted.
Certainly being cordial, friendly and helpful is a good thing
I just don't trust she will stick with her growth, only because of the poor success rate we generally see in MLC, and she is in love with a man who will probably impair her growth because stopping drugs for a moment may be easy But the success rate for complete lifetime recovery for drugs/alcohol is also very low-
I would be curious to see if she continuously follows through in therapy- or a 12 step program that may be a good indicator because doing this work on your own will be impossible-in my opinion
If she seems to be growing in a positive way that is great, but she is still with OM- tough choice for you-
Could you accept her friendship, so you can keep a good eye on her situation especially for the kids- as you move forward with your life
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
IDK how friendly I can be. On the one hand I want to be there for her emotionally and help her. On the other, I need to continue moving on. Being friends with my ex likely won't go over well with future partners. It's a tough spot.
Regarding the drugs, she gave OM a task list of things he needed to change in order to be with her. She is definitely the dominant one in that relationship.
IDK how friendly I can be. On the one hand I want to be there for her emotionally and help her. On the other, I need to continue moving on. Being friends with my ex likely won't go over well with future partners. It's a tough spot.
Regarding the drugs, she gave OM a task list of things he needed to change in order to be with her. She is definitely the dominant one in that relationship.
That part seems a very common trait of MLC relationships, they seem to need someone "lesser."
This is very hard, you have my sympathies. Obviously first and foremost you must do what is right for you and your kids over her well being (put on your oxygen mask first as they say). IF you can stay detached and be a casual friend it may help her (but its really not up to you, its up to her) and MAY slightly help if you have any hopes of reconciling. But first part still applies: do what is best for you and the kids.
she is still head over heels for OM. Saying he doesn't have money but quit doing drugs, got a job and fills her emotional needs
Omg, she doesn't understand a thing about addiction, does she? 12 step programs almost always suggest no new relationships in the first 6 months (or is it a year?) of sobriety. Doesn't sound like this guy is working any kind of a program which means he's high risk to relapse. Do you know what KIND of drugs he was doing?
Statistically, it seems her relationship with OM is unlikely to survive and maybe she instinctively knows this. Whilst it seems likely that it's only emotional support and a cordial co-parenting relationship that she wants with you, perhaps she's also looking for a Plan B?
I'll admit this threw me for a loop. I had distanced myself so far from her. She (at least for about a week) has been the person she was 5 years ago. She admitted fault, had clarity, didn't defend herself when attacked/blamed and then told me she loved me.....as a person but fell out of love with me long ago. We openly talked about sex, relationships, etc... without getting too emotional. She finally apologized for what she did and admitted she was an irrational monster. Said OM has her heart and is there emotionally for her, something she didnt feel with me because I was working so much. Shes never done it on her own and that brings her great fear. I told her I would keep an open door, but would take a firm plan on her part of she wanted to come back. It is nuts how these feelings come back with so much force.
Something is going on with the men of this board this week! You, Tad and even SBJ are beating yourself up for being "weak" when your heart feels love for your W.
Feeling love for your W is good and true!
I would have no expectations of her either, but I dream of my H saying those things, even in cycles of boomerangs.
I think it shows how confused she is.
And I assure you that her relationship is not going to last. That relationship is built on lies and other sorts of sand. It will crumble at some point.
It's just a question of your being willing to keep your heart open when that day comes.
It could be another long while. You might not want to wait.
I encourage you to keep being kind to her and to keep a corner of your heart open.
As a woman, I can imagine some of how she feels. It sounds like you do work a lot and, if you are facing the insecurities of midlife, it could be very difficult to be married to a powerful and accomplished doctor who openly admits that in his work, women are constantly throwing themselves at him. It stung my heart even to read that as someone who doesn't really know you!
Her MLC has nothing to do with you. But her feeling neglected during your M could be valid. It's something to explore and reflect on as you work on yourself, whether you end up married to someone else or her one day. Just my thought as a woman. My H is clearly out of his mind and is wicked to me. But I still spent a lot of time evaluating the mistakes I made and I hope I can be a better wife/person one day.
And by the way, thank you for the very kind words you wrote to me. It really meant so much to me that you valued my perspective.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I think the weakness aspect is that I felt so distant and I had to be at odds with her in order to get there. It feels like backtracking in a way. We continue to communicate and make jokes and laugh. I've stopped the emotional stuff.
Things that stuck with me were her saying -I haven't had time to miss you because I've been so mad -i dont need money. I am happy with someone who has nothing and is poor. (She's had means her entire life) -I am so happy with OM. Later x2: I am just content -when I said I will keep an open heart and mind she said she understands and did not shut it down. -her apology to me and the kids
And yes my work schedule has always been a topic of my internal conflict. Regarding the nurses, we openly talked about this during the M. It probably doesn't help that I am dating one now. BUT it is easy to spot gold diggers and I do not want any part of that. I have noted my mistakes and openly admitted those to W the other night.
