I think you're right - he's seeking reassurance that you still need him. He wants to know you still look to him to have your emotional needs met. I think Hurt213's suggestion is spot on - you don't have to argue the toss with him about his infidelity, but neither should you participate in a lie or enable his dishonesty. I hope you are feeling okay today.
I think you're right - he's seeking reassurance that you still need him. He wants to know you still look to him to have your emotional needs met. I think Hurt213's suggestion is spot on - you don't have to argue the toss with him about his infidelity, but neither should you participate in a lie or enable his dishonesty. I hope you are feeling okay today.
Thank you Alison. I am doing well today. Right now I just feel done. It's such a roller coaster. One minute I want to save my marriage, the next I'm not so sure. And the truth of it is, I do still need him. But, I do not want to continue a relationship with a lying cheater.
I am not looking forward to H coming home tonight as I know it will be tense and uncomfortable. That might be good for H, I want him to wallow a bit in that uncomfortableness. I have been making it far too easy for him to eat cake.
I have read a lot on this forum about how important it is to give it everything you've got. To show your children that you did everything you could to save your marriage. I want to save my marriage. I want to restore my family. I truly do. But what about when there is an affair? What kind of an example am I setting for my adult children? I do not want them to think this is acceptable behavior in any relationship.
I don't think you can save your marriage on your own. You can protect yourself from unacceptable behaviour, work on yourselves, and be willing to do the work of saving your marriage if and when your H comes to the table. He isn't at the table so at the moment there isn't a marriage to save.
I know what you mean. I'm wrestling with myself at the moment - wondering whether to throw in the towel or not. I think of my children and that is a heavy part of my decision.
I have read a lot on this forum about how important it is to give it everything you've got. To show your children that you did everything you could to save your marriage. I want to save my marriage. I want to restore my family. I truly do. But what about when there is an affair? What kind of an example am I setting for my adult children? I do not want them to think this is acceptable behavior in any relationship.
Yes, but perhaps you are setting the example of how you both worked through a very difficult time in the marriage. How to truly forgive and make the marriage better than it was before. In this day and age it's easier to walk away, that's what most people will tell you "kick him to the curb!"
Like Alison said, you are not there yet. Perhaps you won't get there. Focus on you.
Yes, but perhaps you are setting the example of how you both worked through a very difficult time in the marriage. How to truly forgive and make the marriage better than it was before. In this day and age it's easier to walk away, that's what most people will tell you "kick him to the curb!"
Like Alison said, you are not there yet. Perhaps you won't get there. Focus on you.
BTW, I need to take my own advice. [/quote]
Thank you HBWife!
Who knows if we will ever get there. Right now I'm not so sure. Either way, perhaps I will show my children how to forgive, in time. My uncle cheated on my aunt and his children never forgave him. Only one child even speaks to him. He is still with the OW 20 yrs later. He does not know his grandchildren, and probably never will. It is very sad, but they were devastated. I do not want that for my children.
I am really feeling like I just need to let him go. I think I will be devastated if he moves out, but I think it may be the only way I can truly detach, and perhaps he will see what he is losing. Maybe he won't.
I guess I just need to continue to work on me. He'll leave if he wants to. It is definitely a bit awkward right now. Very little conversation between us and we are both keeping a bit of distance. He seemed almost proud as he left this afternoon without telling me where he was going. I think he thinks he is punishing me because I said I did not want to be his friend. I'm ok with it- he was probably going to feed me some lie anyway.
I just sat down and figured out my budget for the next 4 months for when/if H moves out. He of course will have to contribute to the household bills- mortgage and other loans. I think I can live fairly comfortably without him.
H is still calling me. Apparently he could only stop for one day. It amazes me that I feel more at peace when he just leaves me alone. Part of me thinks he is having trouble breaking habits, such as calling me on the way home, bringing me home dinner, etc. And of course leaving those crumbs to keep me hanging on as his plan B. Yet, the other part of me thinks it is guilt. He was probably just with OW. Through snooping in the past, I have noticed that a few times I think he was with OW he has texted me to check in. Phone records show he calls me right after he talks to her. It probably eases his guilt.
I don't think you can save your marriage on your own. You can protect yourself from unacceptable behaviour, work on yourselves, and be willing to do the work of saving your marriage if and when your H comes to the table. He isn't at the table so at the moment there isn't a marriage to save.
I know what you mean. I'm wrestling with myself at the moment - wondering whether to throw in the towel or not. I think of my children and that is a heavy part of my decision.
Thank you AlisonUK.
I just watched a video clip about digging deep and asking yourself, "Do I really want to be married to this person?' It was about really taking the time and processing. Sifting through the fear, the wanting to get rid of the hurt, the longing for memories, etc. I don't think I have the answer yet. I think I will figure it out throughout this journey. I need to remember my situation is still young (12 weeks), nothing is going to change overnight.
