Ugly day going well so far. My tax affairs are in utter chaos but invoices are being sent and order is gradually returning.
I can't judge H for his misery - I've been the worse culprit in our marriage for a very long time, and he's been the one forced to use all his emotional resources to cheer me up. It feels like we've swapped places in some ways. I need to keep myself on positive and solid ground no matter what he's up to.
Bit blue today. I had a really hard IC session yesterday - we were talking about trust, and where I am on that - not just for my marriage but in life more generally. I have always found it very difficult to trust. I can't say that I ever trusted H completely, and I can acknowledge that a lot of the mistakes I made in my marriage were about either punishing H for not being 100% perfect by my standards, or of trying to 'make' him act in ways so I could feel more trust in him. Of course I have objective reasons - after the deception around the EA - not to feel trusting of him right now - but it goes back much earlier than that.
I guess I am very sad at the reality, which is I have little to no trust in H right now and some days I struggle to trust in myself - my own capacity to take care of myself and make good decisions. Spirituality helps - connecting to something bigger, something that won't let me down - but the challenge that lies ahead is about developing that trust in my own capacities and being able to accept that in a close intimate relationship, there is risk, and no-one is 100% trustworthy and I need to accept that. This isn't really about H - I have excellent reasons not to trust him and that's not likely to change any time soon - but more about my personal development.
I guess I am processing feelings of loss and grief. I did used to feel relatively safe with H and I have no idea how or if I would ever feel that again, with him or anyone else. And yet I know that I need to rely on myself first and foremost, and that most adults who are single or in relationships have to find a way to cope with being let down, in big and small ways, and move on from it in positive ways. Being happy alone or happy in an R will require me to dig deep and find some trust in myself and my own resilience, and it feels like an insurmountable task today.
I also feel a bit lonely. I have friends. But I miss having open and intimate conversations with H and feeling safe to share what is on my mind. I miss being able to tell him what is going on with me and not fear being criticized or attacked for it. All that is gone and has been gone for a long time and right now it's much better and wiser for me to be distant with him - it's what he wants, and it's what is best for me. But it is lonely. I miss that connection with him. I do have close friendships but I don't have an intimate partner and I miss that a lot today.
That does sound hard, but sometimes accepting where you are is what allows you to move on from there. So you know you need to work on building trust in yourself, time to get started. I was listening to a really interesting podcast with Rick Hanson on something like this this morning (Jordan Harbinger podcast I think it was), all about building resilience and being able to rely on yourself even if you can't rely on others. It was one of those episodes which will go into my regular listens I think, it just seemed so useful and practical.
And much empathy for the longing for an intimate partner too, we'll get there eventually x
H came to see me this evening. We took the dog out on a walk together to talk without the kids hearing.
He has changed his place of work so he will no longer see the EA woman (admittedly they worked in different departments so he didn't see her that much, but all the same) and so he will have more regular, sociable hours. He'll be working fewer hours, and not evenings or night shifts. He says he's done this because he wants me to be sure he is having no contact with EA woman and so it is easier for us to schedule a regular appointment with a MC. He said he told his manager that things were really bad in our marriage and he wanted to be freer to devote time and energy into fixing it.
I was so surprised I didn't know what to say to him. For him to do this without me asking him to is a big deal, but for him to disclose personal stuff to his line manager is so out of character I can't quite believe it. I just stayed very quiet. I said I felt a bit tearful and needed to think for a bit. We talked about other things for a while - just chit-chat regarding the kids and work - we were only out about half an hour.
All I know of your H is what you've posted here, but based on that I trust him about as far as I can throw him. I would suggest not doing anything different except attending MC, and only do that if HE sets it up. Just tell him if he is willing to set up MC then you will go. Don't make any promises to him and don't buy into any of his promises.
Had a good day today. Tried to put everything out of my mind and just live my own life, which was easier today than it has been the past few days. Now it is evening and I'm thinking about what H said last night and I feel pretty thrown.
I guess I am happy that he's taken this concrete action and done it without my asking him. It's a big deal. I think my hanging back and saying I'd think about it was the best thing, and I need more time to think about it. But if I am going to go ahead, I want him to set up the appointments. I am more flexible than he is. I also want us to be splitting the cost 50/50.
I am hugely doubtful he has the ability to communicate without blame and viciousness nor to respond to my asking for anything without blame-shifting, point scoring or other types of evasion. I am so done with the way he communicates. We can be cordial enough so long as I don't set any boundaries. Any hint of 'no' or 'that isn't acceptable' and he returns to old patterns. I've seen small changes and a moderation in the level of spite and contempt, but it is still there and I am still scared of it and my fear still shapes my behaviour. Repair isn't possible until he learns to do differently and I learn not to be afraid. Still, perhaps a good MC might help teach him that.
I am doubtful of my own ability not to get emotional and reactive and, in my own way, shut him down when he says things I find upsetting or frightening. Or try to manage his moods from my fearful place. I'm not sure I am 'there' yet. I am working on my 180s but I don't yet feel I am strong enough to draw a strong boundary and that I'd be consistent in refusing to accept unacceptable behaviour from him (or myself). But as above, perhaps a good MC might help teach me that, and I am addressing all of this in my IC.
I don't trust him. I worry he's up to something. But I have trust issues I need to do more work on aside from whether he's being honest or not. If we are to ever end up piecing things together, then I am going to need to dig deep and find some trust - and so is he - and I am not sure what signs I should be looking for in him or myself to know he and I are both ready to do that.
I don't think I'll see him until the weekend - maybe not even then.
I guess I am happy that he's taken this concrete action and done it without my asking him. It's a big deal. I think my hanging back and saying I'd think about it was the best thing, and I need more time to think about it. But if I am going to go ahead, I want him to set up the appointments. I am more flexible than he is. I also want us to be splitting the cost 50/50.
That all sounds good. It IS a big deal, but he has dangled the carrot out there before and then yanked it away when you went for it. This is kind of typical of MLCers, they go in and out of the tunnel for quite a while.
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I am hugely doubtful he has the ability to communicate without blame and viciousness nor to respond to my asking for anything without blame-shifting, point scoring or other types of evasion. I am so done with the way he communicates. We can be cordial enough so long as I don't set any boundaries. Any hint of 'no' or 'that isn't acceptable' and he returns to old patterns. I've seen small changes and a moderation in the level of spite and contempt, but it is still there and I am still scared of it and my fear still shapes my behaviour. Repair isn't possible until he learns to do differently and I learn not to be afraid. Still, perhaps a good MC might help teach him that.
You are absolutely right to be concerned because that is unlikely to change until he really feels like he has lost you and has to change his ways to get you back. I think you're doing the right thing in not just jumping back into a R with him, and telling him you need time and to think about things. I would avoid having any deep talks with him unless it's in front of a counselor who can mediate if he starts to go off the rails like he is prone to do.
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I don't trust him. I worry he's up to something.
Of course you don't, after what you've been through you'd be crazy to trust him! He has got to EARN your trust back. That is on HIM, not you! And it will take a lot of time and changed behavior on his part.
I still haven't been in touch with him. Still mulling things over. In terms of trust - I believe that he does want to repair things. He's been consistent about saying that for months. But I am feeling utterly despondent and tearful today. I am not sure a repair is possible. I don't think he has the communication skills - and we're going to need to talk honestly and openly about a lot of hard stuff. He's still in the stage where his reason for doing or saying anything is generally someone else's fault. I can't work with that. I don't want to work with that.
But even if he was able to communicate in a more adult way, there just seems such a lot to work through - so much hurt and anger and resentment. I feel a great sadness today because I am wondering if, deep down, it is really more loving and compassionate towards myself and towards him just to let go and move forward as positively as possible and with as much gentleness and respect as possible.
I am confident I could do that - and I think he would work with me on that. He's a childish man in many respects, but I think if we made the decision to end things, he would not be vindictive or cruel where finances or the children are involved. He's pretty selfish, but I can cope with that - I'm doing everything where the kids are concerned now so it could hardly be worse in practical terms.
I am not confident that a repair is possible. It feels too big and too hard. I don't need to decide anything today and I don't plan to. And I know agreeing to MC with him doesn't guarantee anything. I am just not sure I can put myself through it. We did it last summer and it was awful. I want to ask him what's different - what's changed since we went last summer - but he's so mean when I ask him things that he doesn't want to talk about that I don't dare ask him, and that's no basis to begin MC on.
In my experience, and in reading the experiences of others here and IRL, I think MC only works if both parties want the same outcome, and I don't just mean paying lip service to it, but really truly want the same outcome.
MC hurts because you will be peeling away the layers and exposing all your wounds. MC gives you a forum to voice your resentment. Unless you are both open to hearing these things, then your gut reaction will be to defend, to withdraw or to attack. Is he ready to hear what you have to say ? Is he emotionally mature enough to listen to your pain?
More importantly, are you? I imagine you have come a long way since last summer. You are no longer as drawn into his crazy, but can you sit in a room for an hour and listen to him throw everything but the kitchen sink at you?
If he wants to go to MC, then go, but don't do it with any expectation it will be anything other than a soap box for him. Listen, validate. Don't complain and don't explain. (I know, that sounds like a lot)
Otherwise, I would carry on as you are - focused on becoming a better you (with or without him) and trying to maintain a calm, mature demeanor whenever you're with him.
BTW - You are doing brilliantly. Never doubt how far you've come.
