I know. I was horrible. It wasn't like that all the time, but I was bad. I feel terrible. It's like I slipped into a pattern. I should say that he cheated on my 16 years ago, and that's when I began 90% of the controlling behavior.
Just think about how you can do 180's on that. If you haven't apologized to him about how you treated him regarding his mother then do so. And I don't just mean saying "I'm sorry", but tell him what you felt you did wrong, and that you want to apologize even though you know it probably won't change your situation. Just apologize once and make it count. LBS's sometimes fall into the trap of generic apologies, and/or apologizing over and over again.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I think the only thing you can do is give him loads and time and space. And get rid of the cameras in your house so you can have time and space and privacy too.
Yes to both!
Originally Posted by InLove42
I am going to read the book this weekend. I haven't read it yet, but I do know that we will have no excuse to talk even though he keeps saying he wants us to still be friends.
I wonder whether he is only doing that in order to make me comply with the divorce and the selling of the house.
A LOT of WAS's say they want to be friends. There's usually nothing nefarious about it, it's just their way of moving on while still maintaining some contact. It's a little bit of cake-eating.
Originally Posted by InLove42
I understand that Alison, but he is divorcing me. So my giving him space is the end of our relationship.
No, the relationship is ALREADY over. You MUST give him time and space, it is the only way going forward. If you pursue, beg, plead and are super needy that is EXTREMELY unattractive and will just push him farther away. You are laying the groundwork for a possible future relationship with him, not trying to save the existing one.
He normally doesn't act like this with the filming. This is out of the ordinary. I don't know if it is because he is conflicted or looking for an excuse to divorce me.
Normally I would say there is very likely an affair that you don't know about yet. But I really think in his case the "affair" is the new relationship with his mother. I don't think it's sexual but I think he's following all the typical affair patterns because he has this "new woman" in his life. He's become infatuated with her. I've got to say, it really, REALLY struck me odd that he said he was leaving you to move in with her.
You have a lot to work on with yourself. I would suggest reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Even though it says Mr. Nice Guy, it seems like it may apply to you.
Just understand, you cannot nice him back or mean him back. Focus on yourself. Focus on those controlling behaviors and 180 everything that you were doing that was pushing him away.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thanks for that advice. I am starting to feel a little detached myself after he told me this morning that I was so bad to him all these years. I suddenly thought why would he want to be married to me, really. I also realized that he does need to figure his own stuff out away from me. I highly doubt he will do the soul searching I am doing right now. But I am done with controlling my spouse. I am learning to accept him for who he is and not who I want him to be. I have been projecting on him AND taking all his good qualities for granted. That feels terrible to admit.
I don't want to make him mad with the cameras. I don't know how to approach that topic except to accept that it's his house and if I want to talk about the divorce or him, I better do it elsewhere.
I know! They were texting 150-250 times a day, which is why I started freaking out. They were talking to each other on the phone while he was on his way to see her and then most of the time on the way back from seeing her. (He became angry at me for looking at the phone logs). She has a husband near his age (47), though I would never think that he would do anything like that. She is 64. He is 44. But I do think that his behavior is the behavior of someone infatuated. I have read that this can be normal in adult child/adult parent reunions.
I do think he has someone there who is giving him the validation and support he has always needed. This is why I think he started betraying me and telling her everything.
[quote=InLove42] I've got to say, it really, REALLY struck me odd that he said he was leaving you to move in with her.
Yes, I KNOW! I mean to leave behind all responsibility and go live with mommy? He says he feels comfortable there, and he loves being with her. He says he is going to go to school. He has suffered some serious career setbacks over the last year.
I feel a lot of compassion for your husband. This situation is hurting you - it really is - and I feel compassion for you too. But this infatuation and the decisions he's making right now aren't the behaviour of someone in their right mind. Was his relationship with his adopted mother poor? Is she still living? This has clearly thrown him for a loop. It doesn't mean that the problems in your marriage aren't real, or that you don't have 180s to do (we all do - I'm not sitting in judgement here!) only that he's clearly not in a position to be repairing or restoring a marriage right now. I think you're going to have to sit back, sit tight and wait for this relationship with his mother to either implode or stabilise.
Do you have a church or synagogue or mosque or something like that? I don't advise that you tell tales on him or anything, but this man sounds like he badly needs the support and guidance of another man who he respects. You can't arrange that for him, and I'm not suggesting you manipulate him into pastoral counselling. But you don't need to keep what is happening in your marriage a secret if that isn't in your best interests.
Was his relationship with his adopted mother poor? Is she still living?
Yes, his relationship wasn't wonderful. He was the eldest of 7 and the stepmom introduced her oldest as the oldest, left him out of a pictures a few times, and did not send him to private school while she sent the rest of his siblings there. He has always felt out of place.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
he's clearly not in a position to be repairing or restoring a marriage right now. I think you're going to have to sit back, sit tight and wait for this relationship with his mother to either implode or stabilise.
I agree with that. Usually it takes time for these obsessions to end, but this is at a crazy level. Who wants to leave their wife to live with their mother? Doesn't he want...ummm...? If so, where will he get that?
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
Do you have a church or synagogue or mosque or something like that?
We do, and he mentioned that one of our rabbi's emailed him to ask him how he was doing. He also stressed that he thought I'd ruined it for him. I told him that I took on the blame and admitted my own wrongs. I invited him to attend with me.
Oh that poor man. He's been horribly mistreated by his adopted mother - treated like second best. And now he's found someone who, in the midst of a marriage that was perhaps more troubled or less fulfilling for him than you realised, he's found someone who feels like is going to put him first. It's so unhealthy but I can understand why he's doing what he's doing.
It doesn't mean you have to tolerate poor behaviour. It doesn't really change anything at all about what you need to do. But perhaps finding a bit of pity for him will help calm things for you. This is a huge emotional crisis for him and he's probably only talking about divorce because he's panicking. Do whatever you need to do to keep things calm. Be out of the house most of the time if you need to, seeking your own support and solace.
I think you can be sure this isn't about you, even as there's stuff about yourself to work on. You can't make him speak to his rabbi, but perhaps you can seek some counsel and support for yourself? Does he have brothers or men friends to look out for him?
