'Maybe it's over with her' THIS MEANS IT'S NOT, OK? If it was, he would be telling you in no uncertain terms that it is over. More crumbs than Hansel and Gretel there. And yes, the depression sounds spookily similar to my H. We can't fix them, they have to grow up and take responsibility for their lives. And we need to do the same. Keep on GALing.
And Yorkie is so right, being depressed is not a licence to have an affair or to mistreat your spouse. Let's stop making excuses for these pathetic men children. They can choose how to behave towards us, just as we can choose how to behave towards them.
Thank you Yorkie and Dilly. I needed a reality check! I do think the A is still going on, but there is definitely trouble in paradise. There have been signs over the last week or so.
I agree, depression is no excuse to treat me this way. He is a big boy, he needs to act like one. It's hard to not try to fix him. Last night I had to fight the urge to go downstairs and apologize (again) for moving his things the way that I did. I convinced myself that he needs to just sit in the quiet and think about the consequences of his actions. I'm sure it is painful every time he opens the guest room door, we've shared our MBR for over 20 years. I hope it has some impact.
H says things to me like, "I see you, I notice you. It takes everything I have not to grab you and kiss you..." A month ago I was the reason he was "numb inside", the way I made him feel. Yesterday, he said he was to blame. That he tries to make me out to be the bad guy, but it's not true. That I have put up with so much, lying, addiction etc. and that he can't even just give this (M) to me right now. Trying to keep me on the back burner, I'm sure.
As he said all this, I began to realize that we've been here before. I've heard those words before. Through all the bumps in the road over the past 28 years, this is so familiar to me.
The good thing about letting him talk last night is that it eased the tension after I moved his things out. Through all of the lies, the crumbs, there were some nuggets of honesty in there, not in terms of our relationship, just about life. The fact that he hates his job and feels like he can't get out. When he got to his breaking point, what led up to it. I believe him because I saw it, but I didn't do anything about it. I tried to talk to him, but I was distracted and detached. I'm not taking responsibility for anything other than my part.
I am trying to do my own thing and keep my distance, but it is hard when you live in the same small house. Getting his things out of the MBR also reduces my urge to snoop, which is good for everyone, especially me.
I appreciate all the support here! It certainly helps to keep me sane!
I'm not sure I have much of value to contribute, but it's ridiculous that he's been having an affair, saying he wants to separate, and is surprised and upset that you moved his stuff out of the MBR.
"I never said our relationship was over, that I wanted to end things. People separate, work things out, and get back together."
Yes, people sometimes get back together when they both commit to each other again and do the hard work of fixing themselves and their relationship. That does not mean you should carry on like everything's normal while he has an affair and muses out loud about leaving the house. Would he skip half the days at work, miss deadlines, and tell his boss, "No need for you to take action, sometimes people are bad employees for a spell then get it together again."
M 44, W 32 T 10, M 8 D 2 Oct '18: Fantasy affair with OW1 (yes, W) Feb '19: Inseparable from new lesbian BFF Still live together but a lot of tension
I sometimes think the WAS is more self-pitying than the LBS, I'm pretty sure mine is. That will be because they took the gutless, spineless way out of a marriage rather than looking at themselves and their role in it and doing the work to fix themselves and the M. Whereas we can see that we're actually a victim here so we work hard to NOT have a victim mentality (really not easy)...
I have one phrase that I keep in my head when I found explicit texts to the downgrade and I recall it when I start to do mental somersaults.
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "I'm so relieved it's out in the open because it's been really hard on me, living a double life"
Pure f***wit gold.
I'll bet you've got your own version.
Wow Yorkie! I'm speechless. It's amazing to me how selfish someone can be. Someone we have spent most of our lives with. Someone I do not even recognize anymore.
I sometimes think the WAS is more self-pitying than the LBS, I'm pretty sure mine is. That will be because they took the gutless, spineless way out of a marriage rather than looking at themselves and their role in it and doing the work to fix themselves and the M. Whereas we can see that we're actually a victim here so we work hard to NOT have a victim mentality (really not easy)...
I agree! I keep thinking to myself, would it have been that hard to just talk to me? To tell me you were struggling? Why? And why risk everything? His children will never look at him the same way. That breaks my heart. As he tried to minimize his affair, which he says is not.... he calls it "talking", such BS, I asked him if he thought his children would think it was a big deal. If he told them he was "talking" with OW, would they think it was ok?
The LBS is left behind to do all the work, to deal with all of the pain. Yet, he still pulls me right back in to feeling bad for him. At this point I am doing my best to stay busy while I am at home so I do not have to interact with him. It's too easy to fall right back into old routines.
There is a big part of me that just wants my H to leave. Why am I allowing him to stay here, in our home, while his carries on with OW? I must be insane....
I feel like he is sobataging his ability to move out sometimes. Money is tight at the moment because of a big repair to our home which is draining our savings, but if he were to curb his spending habits he could leave. He has never been great with $, but he is certainly spending more than his norm. Most of it is on chewing tobacco and nicotine gum, I think, who knows..... I'm not even sure I care anymore. The point is, if he would tighten his purse strings he would have more than enough $ to go.
I had a bit of an epiphany the other day... I was considering buying a lottery ticket and I began to think about what I would do if I won. Usually I would think about what I would do with my winnings, but my first thought was that I would contact a lawyer, not my H, a lawyer.
Journaling
Last night my grandmother passed away. She was my step-grandmother, but a grandmother figure in my life for over 30 years. She lived a beautiful and long life, well into her 90s. I am sad, but did not want her to suffer any longer. I called my H to tell him as he was on his way home, when he came in he talked about how sad it was. He did not offer a hug, nor was I open to one.
My daughter called soon after and I was on the phone with her for well over an hour. H came and knocked on MBR door later to see what I was doing. I was on my computer and shutting it as he opened the door, he questioned why I jumped up so fast, was I still on the phone? What was I doing? I was not my typical bubbly self, I just simply said, "No, I got off the phone a little while ago. I was finishing up homework and stuff. I have a big day tomorrow, I'm going to bed." He asked about my plans, I gave a quick response and walked into my room, goodnight.
At first, I wanted my H to be by my side during the upcoming services. To feel his arms around me, to feel his support. Now, I'm not so sure. I am angry that he will be socializing with my family while I know he is carrying on with OW. They have no idea, they love him, they will praise him and talk about how wonderful he is. Meanwhile, I know the truth.
