I met my husband in 1999 and got married after 3 months of dating. For the past 19 years I’ve always considered myself so lucky to have such a good husband. He’s always been very family-oriented, caring, loving and romantic. We have three kids, two daughters aged 14 and 12 and a son who’s 10. He has travelled a lot for his work and at times it has strained the marriage because I’ve felt alone and lonely. Thing got worse when we moved 3 years ago to a new country (For his work) and I didn’t have a social circle, so I got a bit depressed. Now after 3 years of living here, I have found my circle and life has been good.
Last summer my husband joined the gym, stopped drinking so much and got contacts instead of glasses. He did some advance schooling to advance his career, and I was so happy for him, because the amount of work related stress he has been under has been so much, that I thought this was good for him and then also for us. Hahahaa, in retrospect I should have been worried.
In the early January he went away for business and when he came back, he surprised me with a romantic hotel weekend. We stayed in the room all weekend, only ordering roomservice, and I was so happy. He went away again two days after that.
When he came back a month later, I knew right away that something had changed. He wouldn’t tell me anything, so I snooped around his emails (I know it’s wrong) and found pictures of a younger woman. When I confronted him, he admitted that he was having an affair. He said he wanted to work on the marriage though, and when he left again, I thought that we were going to fix this. Until he got to his destination and stopped answering my phone calls or messages. A few days later calling me and telling me that he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. And for me to please leave him alone.
I did leave him alone for the two weeks he was gone, but when he came home I took him to a hotel (so we could talk without the kids) and I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore” And he couldn’t stand to be close to me. So he moved out. This was late March. After that he shut down all communication and seemed to be angry with me about everything.
Just in the past two weeks we’ve started to communicate again, and he’s talked about this situation a bit more. He is saying that he’s been unhappy for 4 years and he should’ve talked to me about it, but he was trying to save our marriage, when I didn’t even know it was in trouble. He’s completely re-writing our history and putting ALL the blame on me. Like I was the only one in this marriage. How he’s been so unhappy and then little things started to irritate him and he felt like he started to hate me. And he just had to get out.
He has filed for a divorce and is saying that he doesn’t think he can come back. I guess it’s better than him saying that just seeing me makes him want to throw up? He says that he’s worried that if I wait for him, that I’ll just hurt myself.
I haven’t asked about the OW because I think she’s irrelevant. But I do suspect it’s still going on. Luckily she live in another country too, so they can’t be physically together so much, but I know he has flown to see her a couple of times already.
Even though he has filed for a divorce, there’s a 6 months waiting period before you can finalize the divorce and the clock hasn’t started to tick, as I haven’t signed the notification yet. I’m buying time.
Today he told me we need to separate our finances because he wants to buy a Harley. He has opened a new bank account and I’m almost sure he will start having his pay go there, leaving me quite hopeless, financially.
I’m so confused, he’s obviously in MLC and I want to wait it out, but I feel like he’s in such a hurry to get out of the marriage and our life. He hasn’t even thought of the financial consequences. He thinks that we should keep on co-owning our house and summerhouse, even after the divorce? How would that even work?
Now he wants us to agree on the financial aspects and alimonies, so that he can buy his Harley. He wants me to move out of the familyhome, firstly because it is quite expensive, especially now that he’s gotten himself another apartment. I would just like to stay where I am, in case he wants to come back. If I move out, I will have to downsize and then I’m afraid there’s no room for him to come back. Which is silly, but I don’t know, I just don’t want to let go yet. Any advice? Any encouragement, please! How long will this craziness last?!?
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S3
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry you find yourself here Many posters will stop by soon to share their experience with you
You have 3 kids and I would seek Legal help immediately Please do not move or sign anything until you get advice from a good L.
Make sure the kids stay safe The MLCer becomes a terrible parent even if they were once a great dad They ignore the kids and/or can put them at risk usually the affair partner may also have serious issues
I would not allow the kids to be with them
How old is your H?
MLC will take many years-2-7 and some longer
My advise would be to put yourself and your kids first and get legal help right away- don't tell your H you got help-yet Take your name off his credit cards and separate money before he gets most of it- They overspend and have no concern for their future they only want to play --now like a teen
The MLCer usually rewrites history, and displays a lot of the behavior you wrote about
they usually pick sick partners who they feel they can rescue
Do not listen to anything he says.. The crises is not about you or the M It is about him and his issues unresolved from younger years in childhood--but he cant see that he can only see a life that seems fun, less responsible and they are pulled to try to fulfil what was lost in themselves it never works and usually they become broken and worser as time goes by you cant stop him or the crises
The good new is: Many LBS find their way out of the mess to a better life-
Grieve, get support, get legal advice, keep posting and be there for the kids they will be hurt by him moving out take care of you get sleep, eat, rest, read, find a group of woman you can share with or a church or spiritual way to deal
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Get a lawyer, get an order for temporary support, DO NOt make any agreements with him about finances until you have legal representation and advice.
Yes, it sounds like he's going through a midlife crisis but there's no guarantee he ll come out the other side or when he will. If he feels you clinging he'll be even less inclined to come back. Get up on your feet and start living your life AS IF he's not coming back and you are pursuing your dreams. It doesn't mean he won't come back - but he's more likely to if he sees you out living your best life without him. If he thinks you are just waiting around as his PLan B he won't feel your loss - and he needs to feel that.
And - just one question - a big red flag - why on earth did you marry him after only 3 months of dating? Are there any clues there? Most rational people are not that impulsive - but love addicts go for that, and sociopaths may love bomb people like that. I'm not saying there's anything wrong BUT I also wouldn't be surprised if, as time goes on, you start to realize that your rosy perception of him during your marriage may have been glossing over some serious issues.
Do you recall something happened 18-24 moths prior before bomb dropped ? that something triggered the crisis ? Your husband acts pretty typical as man in midlife crisis. I got bombed 4.5 years ago, husband had affair with a very young woman(his colleague), spent money like crazy, blame me for everything, he claimed that it's our marriage causes all the pain and problem and I'm the worst person he knew... all our sweet history were re-wrote.
He stayed with me for half year after bd then he moved out on May. 2015, I'm living alone now, By Jan.2016 he stopped asking me to sign the divorce paper and during 2017, husband started to stop by every weekend. He is living somewhere in the same town, I don't know the address and I never asked.
I remember he always says - I needs time and I will not come home.
As the law and policy is different from my country to yours, sorry that I could not offer you any help on divorce/separate issue, as kml mentioned, you need someone professional to help you on divorce/finance (I'm not trying to convince you to divorce him)
I'm standing for my marriage and all I did was get a life, moving on and be kind to him and be patient !
Me 46, H 44 married 13 years,no children 2012 spring, my grandma passed away 2014 summer, got bombed 2015 spring, he moved out our apartment 2017 think he is reconnecting but very very slowly...
something I like to add, so sorry; I forgot to mention that husband came from a dysfunctional family, his mom is handicapped and his father had affair for a long time, they fought to each other all time, husband's older bother is the golden boy... he was emotional abused, had a miserable childhood and I learned all the facts after got hit by his crisis, this forum helps me so much !!
Sounds like your h could be in crisis because of all of the things that you have described. He's going to be spending quite a bit of money in the near future. You will begin to see his mirror image, or as I say, the exact opposite of the man that you love. He will regress back to the childhood age that he was emotionally stunted and hopefully will face those demons that have haunted him for many years and accept the things that he could not change and then finally grow up.
As for him staying in contact w/the ow, it's an emotional affair at the moment because of the distance between them. Emotional affairs are much harder to break because they tend to share more of themselves in phone calls, texts, etc. It's a fantasy and he feels that she's listening and validating his thoughts. In other words, she is stroking his ego big time. You are right...she's really nothing more than a band aid to his inner pain at the moment.
Please listen to the posters...do not agree to anything w/o seeking legal advice. Can you afford to remain in your home or will you eventually have to move? If you can afford to stay there, do so unless your lawyer advises otherwise.
Continue living your life to the fullest. If he is in crisis, there is no guarantee that he will return or return as the man you once knew. Try to keep the focus on you, your children and your financials. Come here to vent and seek support.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds very much like H is suffering from MLC. This forum is a safe place with many kind and compassionate people here who offer advice, suggestions, and hard earned wisdom. A lot of times this wisdom will seem and sound counterintuitive, will not feel like the correct thing to do. Post often and ask questions for further clarification, this is a confusion and difficult time for an LBS.
Finances are an unfortunate part, a big part, of this MLC mess. You need to speak to a lawyer - ASAP. You and your three children need financial protection and security. Many MLCers completely loose sight of their previous responsibilities; they throw them away, they run from them. Children and family being a very big responsibility. You mentioned him getting a new account, wanting to separate finances, buy a Harley, etc... He is going to do what he is driven to do, he is not going to seek or ask for your blessing.
Talk to a lawyer, and see what your rights are, what you can do short term for protection, and long term security. Look at this as a business deal that went sideways, and do whatever you need to do for you and your kids. As for separation/divorce gather information about your situation, you need not act on any of it at the moment. However, information is power and knowing where you actually stand is a good thing; and it usually is not near as bad as one first imagines.
Generally speaking, let your H do all the heavy lifting regarding separation and/or divorce. However, first and foremost you must protect you and your kids.
I am sorry for the urgency being conveyed from my post; to me what you have shared looks rather urgent and needs to be addressed soon.
Your H is running from his past, from his demons, from his responsibilities; there is nothing you can do to stop it. It is not your fault. You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him. Give him space and time. Focus on you and your kids.
That is the big one - Focus on you and your kids.
You will get through this Nyla.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
No major words of wisdom here that have not already been told to you. Your H sound like mine did... unhappy for four years but was trying to fix it without telling me. In my mind, this was just about letting resentment and anger build until he felt like he had enough justification to leave. Your instincts around the OW are probably accurate. My H insisted...swore on our children’s lives...that there was no one else despite evidence to the contrary. He was really just biding his time. Our divorce is being filed this month. He is buying a house with his OW that he only admitted to me was an OW at the beginning of March.
I so know what you are going through Nyla. I was a mess when all of this started. All I could think about was getting him back and was beating myself up for not seeing how bad things were. But that has changed over time and it will for you if you follow the advice of the people on this board. Your H is going down a path right now that he fully believes is the right one. The more you fight it, the more positive he will become that he is doing the right thing. As others have suggested, it is imperative you look out for you and your children right now. Get a lawyer. Know your rights and what you are entitled to. GAL and do your 180s but don’t do it to win him back... do it to save yourself.
It’s been eight months since BD and my H moved out. I resisted letting him go for so long but eventually got on board and started to see things more clearly. My H was always away and I was slowly but surely losing myself in the face of his emotional and physical abandonment. I do not miss those days. I do not miss him... at least not the person I was married to the last few years. I was living with the ghost of the man I fell in love with. Once I realized and accepted that, life got a whole lot easier. I have many things to be thankful for and these are the things that I stay focused on. I have good friends, supportive family, a good job and amazing children who love me unconditionally. Let your H go Nyla. Save yourself. You will be very glad that you did.
Get a lawyer, get an order for temporary support, DO NOt make any agreements with him about finances until you have legal representation and advice.
Yes, it sounds like he's going through a midlife crisis but there's no guarantee he ll come out the other side or when he will. If he feels you clinging he'll be even less inclined to come back. Get up on your feet and start living your life AS IF he's not coming back and you are pursuing your dreams. It doesn't mean he won't come back - but he's more likely to if he sees you out living your best life without him. If he thinks you are just waiting around as his PLan B he won't feel your loss - and he needs to feel that.
And - just one question - a big red flag - why on earth did you marry him after only 3 months of dating? Are there any clues there? Most rational people are not that impulsive - but love addicts go for that, and sociopaths may love bomb people like that. I'm not saying there's anything wrong BUT I also wouldn't be surprised if, as time goes on, you start to realize that your rosy perception of him during your marriage may have been glossing over some serious issues.
I was 20 years old and I was an aup pair in the States, my visa was running out in a few months and he wanted to porpose before that so that I wouldn't think it was because of the visa. We just went to the courthouse and got married and had the "real" wedding a year later. So, I don't think there's anything weird about that, we have been very impulsive in everything we've done together. Like moving across oceans on a few weeks notice.
So in that way him filing for a divorce impulsively didn't surprise me, but I thought that 20 years of history and 3 kids should weigh on the scale as well...
I've lessened contact with him now but because of the kids I have to have some contact still. I wish there was a crystal ball I could look into and know what the right thing to do is. He knows I'm here waiting (because I told him I would until I couldn't anymore) and I don't know how to make him feel that I'm not, without saying it. I don't want to lie either.
Everytime I hear from him I start missing him, and I have started to GAL. I joined the gym, I joined a choir, I've started to spend more time with friends and family. And I have moments when I truly am happy even in this horrible situation, but I still miss him, and our life together. He was also my best friend.
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
