Attracting the WW back ?

[LH19]

It's funny how it's so clear once you get to the other side. I often wonder what the recon rate would be if at bomb drop the LBS said calmly " this is not what I want but I understand that you do. Can I help you pack your stuff?" Then start working on yourself and creating an awesome life.

No begging, pleading, pursuit just complete detachment.

I know that's how I will treat all new relationships. Give it my best and if that is not good enough it is time to move on.

[curtis7]

[quote=gzabetasOne thing that has helped me get my sleep back, is when she moved out. It really is better. Even if our kid is with her I will see him in the next few days. But not having the pouting and anger and temper depression, text messaging OM in front of me has been a life saver. It really is out of sight out of mind.
[/quote]
So true and same here. When my WW moved out, my sleep improved tremendously. It’s still not as sound as it needs to be, but getting there. Seeing her text OM in front of you tears the LBS apart. Like a knife being slowly inserted and twisted over and over.

[gzabetas]

I agree LH, had we known then what we know now, we would have been a better position to negotiate and fight.

Curtis, I know right? I certainly am getting better sleep too. That was a big step up.

And I was a guy who almost swerved my car into a tree to stop the pain at my worst.

Things that helped me were:

"She is not your wife. She has fired you. She is abducted by an alien. She will monstrify you" (this forum)

Remember back to when you first started dating her. You were whole. And happy. (this was a lightbulb for me)
We were self sufficient for a long time in our lives.
Plus God knows we wouldn't have put up with their crap.
Thank God I was able to mentally go back and assume I was starting to date her. And I realized I wouldnt.
Not this way.

[AnotherStander]

Starting the new book of my life. Chapter 1

YES! And you are the author, you can write whatever you want!

And I was a guy who almost swerved my car into a tree to stop the pain at my worst.

I think we all faced similar demons. It is a really painful thing to go through but when you come out the other side you really do feel like there's not much life can throw at you that you can't handle with grace.

Remember back to when you first started dating her. You were whole. And happy. (this was a lightbulb for me)
We were self sufficient for a long time in our lives.

Exactly, that's a big part of recovery is getting back to that person we were before we got married. Strong, independent, content to be alone. When we met our W's our attitude was "she can join me in life if she wants, and if she doesn't then no biggie." And that's what we have to get back to.

Thank God I was able to mentally go back and assume I was starting to date her. And I realized I wouldnt.
Not this way.

That's the irony. The person that BD'd us IS NOT the person we fell in love with. What happened to that person is a question we'll never get answered, but we struggle along after BD hoping that old person will come back. But they rarely do. This new person that they are is typically not someone we would even want to be in an R with, but it takes a while for us to come out of the fog and see that.

[IHCLACS]

That's a great way of looking at it gzabetas. I've tried that. Going back to my wholeness and objectivtivity of another person, back in time when I first met them, who I was, what I was doing, how I acted. I can also say that my 1st infatuation, and rejection when I was 17, almost cause me to drive my car into a tree, and losing multiple jobs, whether it be due to lay off or fired for some small transgression, or underperformance over the years, and disappointing my wife several times, did cause me to consider putting a pistol against my head, knowing I could never do it. This was before kids. My W uncle killed himself a couple of years ago, and W friend hung himself in HS. So I have seen suicide first hand. Out of my 5 relationships I've had 2 cheat on me, and W came close with IA/EA.
Now I'm faced with my biggest challenge. W leaving the marriage, selling our home, and me being the best father I can be. Rebuilding my life, and at least trying to be a better person than I have been in the last 20 years. If there is anything that has made me emotionally and mentally stronger, it has been experiencing all these pains in certain parts of my life. My value is enough to respect myself and walk away, and just enough to start with some small changes. I will never put the value of myself in someone else's hands. The biggest question is can I learn and change from my mistakes, and how far can I take it?

[gzabetas]

AS its true, they are not the person we fell in love with.
Dont know what happened to that person, but my IC who also treated my WW before me told me to consider the old wife dead and gone. She has been replaced by another being and that I need to start mourning her and move on.
That was the cold truth.

And as you yourself I think wrote on an earlier post today 9 out of 10 times the LBS wont want the recon if its suggested in the future. I believe that.

IH I know the feeling. I think it was the thought of my kid that saved me.
One day , like right after BD, I was returning home from teaching at a local college, and the thoughts were there to end it.
An ambulance came in the opposite direction and the sound of it brought me to my senses.

Later on at home I told my wife how close I had come to ending it. And get this, she said "Yeah I heard the ambulance and thought it might be you". And she said it with the apathy of finding out you need new tires or something trivial.
That was also an eye opener.

People are not what movies and books talk about. They are alot more complex and dangerous.

As both of us are fathers lets prepare our kids to not get their hearts broken.

One thing I told my wife in our last days is (we have a son btw and she got custody)
"You better hope our boy doesn't meet someone like you and get treated the same way you treated me one day. He is soft like his father, so keep an eye on him".

[gzabetas]

So its been a month since our divorce, and I got to say I am alot better off than I thought I would be.

Once again the thoughts of something menacing in the horizon were more painful than the actual thing.

But I have a big moral dilemma, and new found pain.

I see my wife struggling. Not doing well. I was her entire support system. Of course like everyone says here, their OM affair will fizzle (and it did) and they will face their new harsh reality alone.
Her new home with my son has no bed, they sleep on the floor, I gave them my mattreses.
She has no car ( I was her driver), so she walks the kid back and forth to school everyday, and walks to the supermarket, and walks to work etc.
I babysit the kid every afternoon when she is at work (even though on paper she has custody and I pay her my unemployment check for her rent). But all that I do is not enough. She is crashing and its painful to watch.
Her skin is bad, she is back on daily migraines (I had helped her with all that via massage and talking, she was always an overthinker and analyzer and I gave her emotional support), and she told me she has dizzy spells.

I detached, but I still love this human being. I am not an animal. Do not think I am looking to get her back. I am really happy alone (working out, studying) but I feel obligated to step in and rescue her. This woman once gave me her all.

But she fired me right? So what am I to do???

Damn this MLC, WAW whatever the hell it is.

Its the "gift" that keeps on giving.

[SteveLW]

You can do whatever you want, but rescuing her isn't going to help her in the long run, nor will it help you move on.

Your attitude should be: "Not my pig, not my farm."

Always make it about the kid. Buy the kid a kid's bed. Where she sleeps isn't your problem.

[AnotherStander]

I was going to say the same thing Steve said. Not only can you not rescue her, she doesn't WANT to be rescued by you. It would probably just make her angry and resentful. Leave her be, this is the path she has chosen. All of the walking around will do her some good and give her perspective on life. The ONLY thing I might suggest is if S is in a bad situation at her place then consider moving for full custody of him.

[AlisonUK]

I would suggest you buy your son a bed. And don't call it babysitting - it's never babysitting when a parent parents their own child.