Hi Hope. You need to let H go and free yourself. Don´t fear of loosing whatever your R with H is. You need a new one. Keep detaching and GAL. Stick to DB. Comprehend the counterintuitive part.
Take your time, no deadlines, avoid mindreading. All of these things get you into anxiety. Stay calm and moving forward.
NO fear. Keep DB
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
This sounds like me, pretty much exactly, and I don’t know what I want to do either. One year is this Sunday, and I teach, so I was giving myself until this school year is over, I don’t know if I’m ready to pull the trigger myself, but I also know, for me, it will be taking control of my life, whatever the outcome. People keep saying on here, D is just a piece of paper, which is true, but I also think for him, it’s a nail in the coffin. He also has too much pride that once D is final, I think that will be it for him.
Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
Thanks neffer. I do think I lose sight lately when I get caught up in the deadline stuff. Thing is that I’m actually doing a good job with the GAL part. It’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that I get into trouble. I’m getting there with the detached part, slowly, but I’m not there yet, clearly. I think you are right about the counterintuitive aspects of all of this. I think a lot of those things are clear to me on the surface, but I do get nervous about some of them. I have to remind myself over and over that I tried the other stuff (ie being available to him, being vulnerable with him, etc) and they did not work toward my goals. At all. I have to keep that in my mind when the fear and anxiety chimes in. The no deadlines part I’m really struggling with. I’m just not sure how to settle into that mentally...
Othstr, I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I think my filing would be the only way to prove to my H that I’m letting him go, but I also feel strongly that it would be the nail in the coffin Because of his pride/ avoidant nature / path of least resistance personality.
My daughter has a preschool classmates birthday party this afternoon. In our marriage (and until now in our separation) I typically take her to these types of things, for a variety of reasons. This time I’m having my H take her while I have fun with friends. The thing is that I haven’t shared our situation with any of the parents at school. I’m only superficially friends with them at this point and it’s a pretty gossipy scene which I don’t care to be fodder for. My H is fairly unfiltered and I’m concerned he might mention it while chatting with them. My gut is that it’s a risk I’ll have to take because to ask him not to mention it seems...the opposite of detached? I don’t want him to say anything, but I’m afraid if I ask him not to then it’ll give him the impression that I’m still in it and not accepting that we aren’t together, or something like that. Thoughts??
Hi Hope. My thoughts... I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way at the beginning of my sitch. The reality is, though, you can’t really control what H says or does and you shouldn’t try to. Going out with your friends is a great idea. You should and you should have fun. I think you are right... talking to him about what to say to people is exactly that...the opposite of detached.
Honestly... worrying about what people think is just another worry you don’t need right now. At the end of the day... who cares what they think? How does that hurt you? The reality is that most, if not all, people know someone who is going through similar situations. I found that when I stopped worrying about it and talked to people, the response I got was understanding and support. It’s not that I went around talking incessantly about it to random people but I did eventually talk to most of the people who I see regularly and it lifted a weight off my shoulders. Think about how you would feel if someone you knew was going through the same thing. Would you judge them? Think unkind thoughts? No you wouldn’t. And frankly, anyone who would, is not worth worrying about anyway.
Hold your head up high Hope. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Show the world what a strong and competent woman you are and stop worrying what other people will think. (((HUGS)))
Thank you DV6. Reading what you wrote really helped me to start let go of my concerns about what people might think if they knew about my sitch. The worst case scenario doesn’t even actually bother me much. I didn’t mention it, and I know that was the right decision. You are right also, about me trying to maintain some sense of control over what my H does it doesn’t tell people, and thereby maintain some sense of control over the situation itself. I struggle with letting go of control in many aspects of my life, it’s how I manage my anxiety, but the more I let go of those efforts the better I feel. I’m really focused on detaching and this was just another piece of that.
On another note, I talked to an old friend of mine a bit about my sitch yesterday. I didn’t tell her about DB, but I did let her know a bit about how I’m navigating my sitch at this point, my detaching efforts, etc. she and I came back to my place in the evening after my daughter was in bed, and my H was on his way out. He sat on the couch, lingering and chatting with her, catching up. After he left she commented on it, she felt it was interesting that he took the time to do that rather than just saying hi and leaving. Her advice was that she thinks that next time he lingers like that that I should offer him a drink and try to chat with him, and that if that went well that I should try to make a sexual advance toward him (I had been lamenting to her earlier that it has been an extremely long time for me). She doesn’t know about DBing so I can’t say I think it’s great advice, but there’s a part of me that thinks it isn’t terrible advice. It obviously doesn’t align with my DB work so I likely won’t do it. I’d hate to back track on the progress I’ve made. I think she feels impatient on my behalf, and she feels I have nothing to lose and that if he refused my advances at this point then I’d know he was totally gone. I don’t know if I agree with that or not, but it’s interesting to think about.
I get how you are feeling Hope and how tempting it is to do what she suggests. I think offering him a drink (the way one would offer a neighbour if they dropped by) is perfectly fine. The sexual advances, however, would send the wrong message, IMO. It would smack of desperation and also fully cement you as Plan B. I think either response would be difficult for you to deal with so I wouldn’t put myself through it, if I were you. If he rejects you, you end up feeling crappy about yourself and you look less attractive to him. But what if he doesn’t reject you, you ML and then he carries on the next day as if nothing has changed between you. You also end up feeling rejected and also mad at yourself for giving up on the progress that you have already made detaching. Impatience is the number one enemy of LBSs. It has killed many people’s chances to R. Don’t give into it. Detach, detach, detach... for you. There is light at the end of the tunnel. At the very least, you will get you back. (((HUGS)))
AS said people want what they can't have. You are the prize, don't let him have anything freely. With all this, wouldn't you want him to earn his way back?
You're right that your friend doesn't know about the DB process so kissing and making up like having sex won't work here.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Thank you both for the perspective. I know deep down that it wouldn’t be the right thing to do, but the impatient mind does wander. I think the reason she thought of it was what she was witnessing with him lingering around, seemingly waiting for something to be said or done. She asked if he does that frequently when it’s just the 2 of us. Yes, he does. And I think I do get tempted to act because he does often give the impression that he is waiting for me to do or say something. I might be imagining that, or even if it is the case, imagining that if I did say or do something, it would have a positive result. It hasn’t thus far! Thank you all for the reality check. I’ll continue as I have been, detaching and being patient.
I am with DV and Adam. By all means offer him a drink. Chat and be friendly. DB'g isn't just about detaching. It is also about becoming the best version of you (i hate that phrase) and the best version of you is a confident, attractive Hope who doesn't let her H's mood effect her. Offer him a drink. It is what a confident attractive Hope would do.
As for sexual advances, leave him to that. When it comes to our sitchs (and I would say this to you if you were a man) is it is our job as the LBS to be attractive. It is their job to make the advances.
H and I don't talk about our sitch to anyone who is connected to us through the children. No netball friends parents. No football friends parents and no parents we know through the schools. Some people know but most don't. Those that know will never ask. It is an elephant in the room. We let the elephant be. No-one will ever actually ask you about it. We are all too polite (or is that just the British?!?!).
