Wife is having an affair and wants to separate -2

[Nik11]

Updates:

So, as her father asked me to pick her mother, I went and picked her mother and she came to place.
Her mother was in very bad shape and deeply hurt.

As her mom came, I did not speak with MIL about anything related to my relationship, just casual talk.

Now in the evening, my wife panicked and messaged me and asked me to message her about everything I spoke with my MIL ( I guess she was worried that I may talk about the affair and let them know what was going on (which my inlaws are already aware of and haven't told her that they know). Then she asked me later how her mother was doing.
She also called her brother and father next day (which she had not done since BD and said she wanted to talk to them like adults and have a conversation. Suddenly she wanted to talk to everyone in her family.

Two days later, she messaged her mom and told her that she was coming to pick her up and also told me separately that she had rebooked her mother's flight for 12th May (she was initially planned to stay for three months).

She also messaged me that she has again started IC and wants to work on her issues and also said her childhood issues ran much deeper than she thought.
Some of the things she wrote were :
(a) All of you have ruined me (me, her parents). I don't even know who I am anymore
(b) I have zero self worth and zero confidence
(c) Everyone thinks I have lost my mind and I don't care what anyone says, I am old enough to make mistakes and bear the consequences of my actions and live with them.
(d) I changed so much of myself and I don't know what I could have been.

Through this conversation, I just validated and kept my replies short. No R talk or defending myself.

When she asks for photographs of our D for the days D is with me, I do send them, but I don't ask for photos when my D is with her and she sometimes sends me, to which I usually don't reply or just say thanks.
I am doing GAL and have been able to detach better as she has moved out.

Her mom being here has actually caused her to be home and not meet OM as I know she is for most part at her apartment only. I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad in the long run.

For me, I am alone for last three days and have been going for run and gym in the evening. After coming back, reading DR for some time, then make and have my dinner. (Though having it alone is sad as haven't done it ever before the BD . ). Sincerely, I am not now craving as much to see her or talk to her as she has moved out. Feels like more of a relief from the daily tension and hurt i was feeling after confronting her.

Also, I wanted to have your inputs on one thing. My wife knows that Divorce is way too big a deal for me and my family. We have had no divorce in my family and mine will be the first one and she is convinced that I will not file it. That would mean that in her mind I will always be a plan B.

What can I do to I turn this around and make sure that I don't make her feel that I am plan B and will be there for her?

[gzabetas]

vik what your wife told you above is what mine told me verbatim.
I mean its all there.
She said first she would screw me over and then it was her parents turn. Her against the world. She is getting her revenge. Meanwhile everyone on her sh*tlist are people who have only tried to help her.
Do they not hear the craziness in their voice? I wonder sometimes.

And similar to you I am spending the first few days alone without her in the house (we divorced a few days ago) and I got to be honest. This is sweet. For the first time my TV set will not be stuck on the freakin E channel and Kardashians all day. Finally I will get to see some sci fi films and get into deep thinking about life in the Universe etc. Guy stuff.
Play my guitar again. The posibilities are endless. I am working out more. Sometimes I think we LBS are like prisoners (kind of like DeNiro in Cape Fear) working on our bodies to release all that anger from what we were dealt with.
I was a nerdy beerbelly carrying softy before BD and how I am a lean muscular boots and bomber jacket wearing dude. I met the W the other day at a cafe and I got looks. Some friends gave me compliments.

I took all that work on yourself talk that we hear in this forum serious and I am using this time wisely. I am happy with my new self.

Embrace the change amigo. God has some cool plans for us.

[LH19]

V,

You can show her with actions, detachment, boundaries and GAL.

[joejoe1]

Vik,

You don't have to file papers to D a person. Your W has basically D you with her actions. You D her with yours. Your actions will be way more powerful than any piece of paper.

Don't hold yourself to a piece of paper. Continue to GAL, 180s, and detach. The more you detach, the more your actions will speak louder than a piece of paper being handed to her.

I have a friend who D his WW and now he's still running behind her. They are D on paper, but not in his heart and actions. So his message to her now is so weak, his actions are so weak, all her respect for him is gone. He has to let go and so do you.

[lurch05]

Word for word what my ww said to me, but this was not until after we had agreed to try R. After hearing that and that she "needed to work on herself before she tried R" (which we were already working on) I knew it was to much for me. If you are able to work through ti, much props to you and good luck.

I think every H has a WW that says this at one point. Probably due to the chemicals in their brains that are out of whack due to the affair. Would explain why they don't know who they are or what they want...just my opinion though

[SoTorn]

WW's drive themselves crazy. They embrace the narcissism. The minute I confirmed my WW's affair and confronted her, I went from H that she just needs space from, to enemy #1 with threats from her to get me fired, ruin my life etc.

I dropped my WW like a bad habit. Once I started focusing on me and my kids, and literally stopped caring what she did, I pulled away so fast and hard she didn't even bounce when she hit the ground.

My WW is still "stunned" by how I act now. I dropped 100lbs and look amazing. I am kicking ass at my life and nothing she does bothers me or interferes. She notices this and just acts lost and stunned around me. She realizes I am done with her.

When you get to where I am at you probably won't even want to have an MR with your WW honestly. I enjoy being a confident, stable, good looking single father. I don't need my WW for anything, especially this version of her.

[Nik11]

Seems like and have followed other threads and see that the script is same in most of the cases. All WWs are saying the same thing, behaving the same.
That leads me to believe that the solution also should be somewhat scripted as welly small variations), so what is being suggested by vets and people who successfully reconciled, should be followed diligently. I was late in that and hope the new members are fast in adopting what is being advised.

Also, some updates:

Daughter exchanges are cold. She does not talk and I don't also start any conversation. We just hand over our D and that is it.
I want to make sure that I am detaching and not being cold.

Also, I know and agree that I should not intervene between her and her parents, but this is what happened on Friday.

Wife messages me in the morning that she would want to drop her mom at my place because there is no internet at her place and her mom needs it, to which I messaged that it is ok.
So she drops her mom and then messages me that she has dropped her and I should not tell her that she has lost her job ( She lost her job in March end), as she has told her mother that she is going to office and meeting till late evening.
Also, told me that she has two interviews and she will be coming late and will pick my MIL from my place.
Both of these things (what she told me and what she told her mom were obviously lies) as she was going to OMs place and stayed there for the whole day till 9 pm.

Well, when I came back from work in the evening, her mom asks me that her daughter(my wife) hasn't gone to office for a week and suddenly she is going on a friday, I think she is lying to me, to which I said I am not sure, but it felt bad to lie to her.
Also, she told me that she is planning to talk to her about the affair as well (as per my wife, her parents don't know about the affair), to which I said " Do what you think is right and I don't want to be a part of it". I know if she confronts my wife, my wife will be angry at me and think I have told her and resent me more

How should I handle this and also I don't want to enable her dysfunction by lying to her parents.
I feel like she is running over me by asking me to lie to her parents and allow her to do what she wants to do.

I want to stay away from all of this but am being dragged into this without my intentions to do so .

[Yail]

Vik, she is running over you. I'm glad you see it. You're right to ask for help and try to step away from being in the middle.

I don't know that I have the answer. You could tell your W the same thing you said to your MIL: "I do not wish to be in the middle of your relationship with your mother. It is not fair that you ask me to lie for you and I will not do so. I also am not intending to discuss your business with her - that is between the two of you. This is my stance with both of you. I will not be your go-between".

And you can say that to either person. Just flat-out refuse to discuss ANYTHING with EITHER of them. Find some current events to discuss, or the weather. At this point discussing politics or religion is probably safer.

[joejoe1]

Vik,

Don't lie for your W. Don't be an apart of her story/lie she's coming up with. She want to lie to her family let her do the lying. If she gets man about being caught or her family finding out, that means she know she is wrong and she should be up front with them and deal with the consequences or stop.

Next time, she ask you to tell her mother or any other person in her family a reason for her doing something, you should say, "If you want your mother/family to know where you are going to be you should tell her/him. If he/she ask me I won't lie, I don't know where you are going to be and that will be my answer, I don't know". You don't owe her anything, and you not need worry about her reaction to whatever the consequences that land her lap.

And here's a little secret, she's going to blame you no matter what happens or how her family finds out.

Stay strong Vik. You are an awesome man.

Onward and forward

[sandi2]

And similar to you I am spending the first few days alone without her in the house (we divorced a few days ago) and I got to be honest. This is sweet. For the first time my TV set will not be stuck on the freakin E channel and Kardashians all day. Finally I will get to see some sci fi films and get into deep thinking about life in the Universe etc. Guy stuff.
Play my guitar again. The posibilities are endless. I am working out more. Sometimes I think we LBS are like prisoners (kind of like DeNiro in Cape Fear) working on our bodies to release all that anger from what we were dealt with.
I was a nerdy beerbelly carrying softy before BD and how I am a lean muscular boots and bomber jacket wearing dude. I met the W the other day at a cafe and I got looks. Some friends gave me compliments.

Good stuff! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^