Not sure what is going on with H. Not sure why I am trying to figure it out.....
H is only going to the gym on the days he teaches a class. This is not the norm, this is where he sees OW. He usually spends hours at the gym. He has told me he spends so much time there because he doesn't want to be home.
He has made dinner twice this week and cleaned the house. These are things he did in the past, but not in the past few months. He is pretty withdrawn, I think he has powered through 2 series on Netflix in the past 3 days.
I will continue to GAL. Still working on detaching. It's easier said than done.....
Thanks for your input HBW and R2C, I appreciate the support.
Something is definitely up, but I'm trying really hard to detach from the situation and let him go through whatever he is going through right now. It's so hard. In my head it seems so easy, it makes sense, but actually doing it as we are living under the same roof is hard. I fight the urge to ask him if he is ok and I try to give him space, but our home is not that big, haha.
His interactions with me are strange. He peeked in my room this morning and smiled and asked how long I had been up, he noticed my light on, but didn't even stand there long enough to hear a response. The rest of the morning was limited conversation and a quick goodbye. Most often his interactions start off cold, then he starts to tell me about something and it becomes a normal convo, but then it ends quick and cold.
Probably temp checking when he says things like, "I'm not going to be around on Sunday, golf work thing, blah, blah, blah...not that it affects you, just wanted to let you know...." I just respond with an OK, sounds like fun....
I continue to read on here how the only way DB will work is if I let him go, fully detach, truly implement DB, but I struggle. I struggle with what should I do- Do I sit and listen as he tells stories about work, etc., engage in conversation? Or, do I make myself less available to him? I feel like the latter is the thing to do so he can begin to recognize what life will be like without me, even as his friend. Yet, I do not want to seem cold. It is so hard to figure out the balance.
When he approaches you, the best thing you can do is listen and validate. Give him your undivided attention. Just listen to "his story". It is his truth, not yours. Just understand him.
The rest of the time. Keep busy. Be happy doing things. Get out of the house (coffee, walks, gym, siting in the park watching kids play...whatever...go enjoy life). Leave him there alone.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I actually had a really good day. I am coming to realize that I am responsible for my own happiness, and it is not tied to someone else. I really didn't think about H all day, which allowed me to be better at my job, which felt good. I had a great workout a the gym, I am meeting people there and it feels great just to socialize and not think.
Posting here, being able to share my story, and having others support me has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel lighter today, happier. I know I will have good days and bad days, but I will take today
Posting here, being able to share my story, and having others support me has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel lighter today, happier. I know I will have good days and bad days, but I will take today
You've got a good support system here. People who know what you are going through and can help you through the storm. I'm using your stitch to help me journey through mine since it's similar.
Go job on GAL! Sounds like it's helping you feel better.
I think I am getting better at this as I am feeling better about myself. My head knows all the right things to do, but my heart gets in the way.
Things continue to be a bit strange. H is still not really going to the gym. This is such a change in behavior as he was spending 2-3 hours there pretty much 6-7 days a week. He teaches classes there a few days a week and this the only time he has gone all week. He continues to text me and I respond, but I have not initiated a text in weeks. He texted me yesterday to ask what I was up to, gym? shopping? I responded by telling him my plans and asked him why. H said he was just wondering what my plans were- he was headed to the store and them making dinner. That's the 4th time this week he has cleaned the house and made dinner. Last night he actually sat and ate with me. It's really casual, sitting in front of the tv, but that's typical for us now that we are empty nesters (for the most part).
This morning over coffee he had much to say. He is nervous about a work trip that involves a big presentation. I just listened and validated. When H said it will be nice to get away and sleep in a bed for a night (company is putting him up in a hotel) I did not respond. I told him at least he will be able to socialize with the group on Sunday which may make the presentation a bit more comfortable for him on Monday. A month ago I would have told him he has a bed, it's his choice to sleep on the couch.
H has a group event he is attending next weekend with a team from the gym. OW is on this team. This morning as H was going over his plans for the next week, noting how busy he was, he mentioned the event and stated that "no one even wants to go anymore, sounded great at first, blah blah blah... just go and get it over with..." I don't even think I responded.
I myself am nervous about an upcoming event that I am attending as OW will be there. I am sure H is nervous as well..... I have never seen her in person, but I have seen pictures. I am a coach for a girl's running team in my district, she is a coach in her district. I don't know if H knows that I am aware that she is a coach. All teams will run a race in 2 weeks. There will be over 1,000 people there so I am hoping to avoid seeing her. My focus will be my team and I am hoping to keep that focus throughout the event. I have been looking forward to this day as it is an important day for the girls and they have worked so hard. I think these girls have helped me just as much, if not more, than I have helped them over the past few months.
I am off to the gym- GAL! I have been journaling the past week and it is helping me a lot. My appetite is back, I am eating well and have gained a few pounds back over the last 2 weeks. I am in a Master's program and will finish my classes in the next few weeks. Just a few more things to do and I will have my degree by the end of the year. I have 3 amazing kids who are grown and doing their own thing. I miss them, but I am super proud of the adults they have become. I have a few friends who have supported me through all of this, I don't know what I would do without them. I have so much good to focus on. I will be ok no matter what.
I'm having a tough morning. H brought up moving out again. I tried not to get sucked into the R talk, mostly I validated, but of course I got sucked in..... Just as I was feeling good about myself..... Get me off of this roller coaster!
This week we found out we need a fairly major repair done to our home and the cost is around $8k. This will impact H's ability to move out at this time. H brought up the fact that we talked about how to pay this, but not how it will impact what we have going on right now. At first I did not respond, but as he pushed for a response I simply said, "I can see why that would be frustrating for you." As he continued to talk, I validated. I agreed with him that the way we are currently living in no way to live. Blah Blah Blah.... validate, validate. As he spoke of the fact that 2 weeks ago we spoke of him finding his own place and how that may be best, I told him that "I see many solutions to our problems. If that is how you feel I will not stand in your way." Of course I couldn't just stop there and added that I did not want him to leave, but I cannot go on like this. He said he did not want to leave.
He told me that he loved me, that he will always love me, until the day he dies. BUT when he thinks about our relationship, he feels numb inside. That he always felt like he was doing something wrong, that I was always angry. I validated. He is worried that if we reconcile, everything will get brushed under the rug and we will just move on, that I will never trust him again. That now, I have even more reason to be angry. That we will be miserable, and maybe it will be better to be miserable for a while (if we D), but then be happy one day (on our own). I simply told him that sweeping things under the rug, just moving on, was not an option for me, that is not what I want in a relationship. He stated that we are in different places right now. I told him that I don't know where I am right now, that I am trying to figure things out for myself.
He says he must be crazy. Anyone wise enough would be begging for my forgiveness, jumping at the chance to repair things with me. But, for the first time he is not going with what is "right", but how he feels. I did not respond. At one point OW came up. Of course he was adamant that it was not a "relationship", he was not seeing anyone, it was just talking. I do not believe a word of it. He tries to state that one thing has nothing to do with the other, rewriting history to justify his actions.
I think fear is keeping him here. He is overwhelmed by what is involved in leaving, he doesn't even know how to take the first step- what is involved. All of the "nice" things H has been doing is because he wants to keep things pleasant while he is still here. He thinks maybe he was sending me the wrong message.
So, I am ready for some tough love! I think I know what I need to do- just truly let him go. Obviously, I was not doing as well at DB as I thought.... H is away on business for the night. His clothes and things are still in our bedroom even though he's been on the couch for over a month. While he is gone I think I will move his clothes and things into the guest BR. I can't look at in anymore. If we need to live under the same roof for the time being I need to separate more. I think I will tell him I cannot be his friend, that if we are separated, we need to live that way. No more dinners, morning coffee, etc. I can't. It hurts too much. My question is, do I tell him? Or just do it?
