Update: we had a lovely lunch. Thinking back, I needed to be travelling up once a week to go to lunch with him ever since he moved to this office and had such a hideous commute on top of long working hours. Easy to see your past mistakes, it’s not like he often asked me to lunch so errors from both of us. Anyway, I dressed up nicely, put on bright red lipstick (lots of admiring glances from men of all ages which is always nice!) and was warm and appreciative. I like to feel like a wife dh can be proud of and treat to a good meal. Things are warming up again, I have some power to do this if I don’t let my emotions veer off track, don’t have a pity party, and don’t think about the future. I bought him two types of eye drops because he said he had itchy eyes at the weekend, a 180 from me because before I would have forgotten or just left it to him. He expressed gratitude for the thought (also a 180) My parents are in the country for a few months and haven’t arranged to see me or the kids, dh is disappointed at them but it doesn’t bother me. Shows where the distancing comes from though hey? I’ve worked out what I’m going to say to them about dh if I do see them.
I wonder if you and H are going to make progress through actions, rather than conversations. The faffing about with the telly cables, the buying of the eye-drops. The moving of the clothes, the buying of the new picture for your bedroom. They all seem like very tentative acts of communication to me. And it seems when you try to talk to each other, that's where things go wrong. I wonder if rather than talking about sex - as you did when you were on holiday - just physically initiating might have helped?
You know my H is a distancer. He's never going to say the things I want him to say. He's a strong silent type, unless he's complaining or criticizing. But if he bought me eye-drops (and he did used to do things like that - his LL is acts of service and I know even when he was sarcastic with me last night he did finish hanging the washing out for me) it would touch my heart. I'd feel that he had listened to me, and thought about me and my comfort and welfare when I wasn't with him, and taken some action to care for me. It would mean a massive amount.
I wonder if, rather than thinking about conversations, the way forward (perhaps for both of us) is in thinking about what next small actions we can take?
Well I tried doing more than talking about sex before talking both times I've raised the subject... But yes, I see what you mean, dh's LL is acts of service and then maybe gifts (I'm not 100% sure) but I know he likes to feel appreciated and for me to pay him attention and I deliberately didn't do that because I was so angry at him being angry at me. I did actually do a lot for him because he works such crazy hours, but I really did it dragging my metaphorical feet, and he always had to ask. So I've started offering before he asks. And also asking him to join in things with me, like this walk this weekend which was prompted by me. Must keep my expectations low, which is difficult when he was looking at me quite affectionately at lunchtime. Then again, he looked at me affectionately the night before he DBed, so I am very, very dubious of that look after that!
Definitely going to avoid any R talks this weekend. I took advantage of us being away by texting MIL and telling her she could visit the kids if she wanted, ds1 can coordinate via text because I won't get involved beyond that. He gets his birthday money and a meal and I don't have to see her, win win.
I just submitted a big chunk of work, then opened a mini bottle of champagne. Celebrating the small wins is a 180 for me, I have a history of not celebrating, my family were terrible at celebrating and dh is awful at celebrating. So I am celebrating for MYSELF And I might not get up at 5am tomorrow since that's what I've been having to do for days to work on this stuff. So yay, celebration. I do need to clean the house though because I've been so focused on work I haven't had a chance to catch up.
Yes, the MIL is a perennial issue. Dh rarely sees her, I definitely won't. I thought it was kind to let her see the kids though, we have a long and fractured history partly due to her relationship with dh and partly due to her being a truly awful person who has behaved terribly towards her family and never once expressed regret. I feel sorry for her actually, she has no friends, her family don't want to see much of her and now her partner is kicking her out. Not a good place to be in your mid-70s but you reap what you sow in life.
IC today, we talked about friendships and distancing behaviour, he suggested I could rehearse new behaviours with my friends. But my friends wouldn't criticise me, or if they did it would be in a kind way, so I don't see how that will help much. I have been more assertive generally since BD. I feel the need to protect myself from previous behaviour where I would bend over backwards for other people to the detriment of me and my family. I don't do that any longer, I think long and hard before saying yes.
I have had some texts from a good friend who lives in the US and is over this way in June. We have arranged to meet up in Europe. She is one of the most enthusiastic people I know and a lot of fun to be with. I'm feeling excited just thinking about this trip, it's really something to look forward to. I might have arranged something loose with my parents too, so plenty of GAL stuff beyond the norm. I was looking at a map of Europe earlier and thinking of all the places I haven't been and would like to go to. Ideally I would like to explore with someone else, but if nobody is around then there's nothing stopping me once I have finished this work stuff off. It's so nice to feel excited by future plans, I would love dh to be involved but I know that he is super anxious about travel and would hate my spontaneous approach, I should make the most of him not being around
IC today, we talked about friendships and distancing behaviour, he suggested I could rehearse new behaviours with my friends. But my friends wouldn't criticise me, or if they did it would be in a kind way, so I don't see how that will help much. I have been more assertive generally since BD. I feel the need to protect myself from previous behaviour where I would bend over backwards for other people to the detriment of me and my family. I don't do that any longer, I think long and hard before saying yes.
I think I'm going through a similar process. I know I am very assertive at work - in a senior position, often running meetings, talking to people about performance, talking to large groups of people, showing leadership etc. I can do all that very well. I can have difficult conversations. I can deal with people disagreeing with me or being annoyed at me or not wanting to do what I need to get them to do. All of that. It doesn't phase me. But I'm not vulnerable at work as I am with my H. When he's mean, it just really floors me, and I've twisted up my behaviour over the years to avoid his judgement and meanness, then blamed him for it and become progressively more resentful because of it. Detachment is the answer - to treat him like a work colleague - but not one of my friends or work colleagues would accuse me of thinking something, then shout at me because of what they imagine I think. Most of them are more sane than that...
Being assertive in intimate relationships where you are vulnerable is the hardest thing, I think, and takes the most courage. At the end of the day, if a work colleague or even a friend decided they didn't approve of me, or like me, or even didn't want to talk to me anymore - well, it would be hard, perhaps, but I would get over it. I'm not so sure how to carry that sense of security and self sufficiency into an intimate relationship. Isn't the point of an interdependent relationship the risk of it - the fact that in some respects you wouldn't be okay if it ended?
Yes, exactly. That's what my IC was saying the other day, that to be vulnerable you have to risk being hurt or rejected. I was watching a Brene Brown thing on Netflix the other day and she said the same thing, that being vulnerable requires incredible bravery because it's risky. But worth it, because without it you don't get true intimacy. And yes, being assertive in marriage is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. And I mess it up. And I will keep working on it because it's the only way we will get a better marriage.
Journalling: dh has been very distant ever since our lunch on Tuesday, I find it frustrating that he doesn't really bother texting me as usual. I know he had some difficult stuff at work for a day or two and last night he was out drinking with colleagues, so I'm assuming he needed time to process the difficult stuff and might be hungover and tired today but still. He could still reach out. I will have to back off a bit.
I like Brene Brown. I've not watched that Neflix yet but I have most of her books on my phone as audiobooks so I know a fair bit about her work. She's really interesting to me - that combination of intellectual rigour and warmth and fallibility that you don't see very often in public thinkers.
To me, alongside the willingness to take the risk to be vulnerable so as to be intimate, there's also a sense that we need to have some good judgement and be responsible for ourselves. Sometimes it is wise and appropriate to take a step back from someone who it is not safe to be intimate with. Sometimes no matter how vulnerable you get, and how big-hearted your risk taking is, the person you you move towards just doesn't have the willingness to open up, or the capacity to communicate in non-hurtful and healthy ways, or the interest in responding. I am working on both of these things; courage to be vulnerable and good judgement and discernment as to when is the right time.
Have you ever listened to the Esther Perel podcast Dilly? It's really interesting. I think if you are an audible member you can download it all for free, though it might also be available on her website. I used to listen to it a lot but I don't any more because I found all these married couples having hard and intimate conversations really upsetting - it emphasised the loneliness in my own marriage too much. It was really fascinating though and I know you enjoy a podcast or two while running.
Yes, you're right about the balance between vulnerability and protection. I liked the way she used the words 'the story I'm telling myself in my head is...' I can see how that is a powerful way to communicate, more so than 'When you do yyy I feel xxx...' I am going to try it. And yes I have listened to the Esther Perel podcast, it's very interesting and each time I listen I get fresh insight. This is a constant learning process. I was listening to one yesterday in fact, where the man can't feel sexual towards his wife because he's too busy providing for his family and acting as a rescuer and protector. I wonder if some of that is what my dh feels? Another podcast I was listening to was the sex therapy one, the episode was about the secret emotional life of men. The take home was that men and women have a lot in common in what they want in relationships, but the ways they go about it are very different.
Dh was very uncommunicative yesterday and didn't bother texting this morning. I was getting myself into a bit of a tizz about it, even though I realise that most of it is probably him trying to recover from a hard week at work and also finishing off to leave early tonight to travel. Anyway I texted him and asked if he was sure he wanted to spend the weekend together because he seemed quite cold. He said he was looking forward to our walk. I said I was just checking, and I was looking forward to it too. He then said he'd booked a pub for us to have lunch at on Sunday, and I thanked him. I feel more reassured now. Funny how we move between pursuit and distance, but I feel reassured now and ok if he doesn't contact me again today.
Anyway, I am off out to GAL today and get some work done, and this evening I'm taking the kids to dinner to celebrate some exams finishing for ds1. Tomorrow I'll take ds1 to work, ds2 to his activity and then I'll join dh in the afternoon. Hopefully he will have had a chance to relax and recharge, get out on his bike and be good company. I feel like he really, really needs a proper holiday but he has nothing booked except for a long weekend cycling with colleagues which will be a binge-drinking session and involve plenty of stressful travel. Then again, it feels like he's lost the ability to relax properly, which I find sad. I would love for him to find his playful side again. But right now I will just accept him for where he is.
Ugh. BD2. Thinks he wants a divorce but is too scared to hurt me. Thinks we have nothing in common. All the cliches. I was pretty calm about it all, said he’s an adult who is able to make his own decisions etc but divorce isn’t my preference. I can see he’s alone, lonely, works too hard and feels stuck in life. Not sure him leaving has changed any of that. Other than that it was a nice day. Ironic. I can see he’s miserable. Maybe I just need to let go. I will stay strong tonight and maybe go dark. Maybe he’s not had enough time alone. I’m so sick of this. I deserve so much better.
And I might not get up at 5am tomorrow since that's what I've been having to do for days to work on this stuff. So yay, celebration. I do need to clean the house though because I've been so focused on work I haven't had a chance to catch up.