The aftermath - OrangeK

[OrangeK]

Amusingly i used the addiction metaphor yesterday whrn talking to my SIL. so i agree

[OrangeK]

I still feel somewhat misunderstood here which isn't necessarily A Bad Thing. it's probably just born from the fact that most of my updates are done on my phone via voice to text during the day as opposed to sitting down on my computer in the evening and actually typing out well thought-out responses. It's amazing how your own mind can play tricks on you. When I was dating Mary I thought that I was 100% probably done with the whole situation with the exception of court. I then learned that I shouldn't have been in a relationship in the first place, I know what you all say about mind reading and I'm obviously not 100% innocent of doing that. That being said I do still get the feeling that none of my post to your should be about her at all, which is kind of the point of coming here in the first place to give me a non bias place to vent my thoughts and feelings, about my divorce. I guess I think I would benefit more from conversations about why and logic as opposed to everybody just jumping on the you shouldn't have done that bandwagon. Hindsight being what it is I shouldn't have married or even dated to begin with. If we all had a hindsight ahead of time none of us would ever make mistakes. Touching on the conversation I had with my sister-in-law, like I said, I liken it to being a recovering addict. Recovered addicts must face Temptation everyday, for me the Temptation is interfering with ex-wife life as well as going off on tangents trying to figure out what she's doing. 95% of the time my thoughts and focus is on logical avoidance of these things however I cannot control my subconscious thought processes and have no say in whether or not something reminds me of her or our situation or other such things. I do my best to put those thoughts away when they do pop subconsciously into my mind but obviously I'm not perfect. I'm doing my best to struggle with the Temptations of my addiction. My addiction to her. My addiction to the illusion that was our relationship. Honestly I'm really glad that she is moving on and doing things yet again the same way she always has, it has just provided concrete proof that I have been in the right this whole time above the way that she is no way that she treats people. it's all quite a shame. you can really trace it all the way back to her parents in the way they raised her. part of me still wishes that she was the person she pretends to be and the person she thinks she is. the most astonishing thing to me is her ability to lie to herself. But again that's not my issue, I would love to hear what you all do to compartmentalize these thoughts and keep them out of your head because that seems to be my issue. Even if I'm not actively looking into her life or what she's doing, she still pops into my head on a daily basis and I would really like that to go away. Most often it's not because I miss her or because I'm mad at her or anything like that. Most commonly it's just something that casually reminds me. I have a lot to look forward to this summer and I'm looking forward to being too busy to think about this sort of thing

[mtb1981]

I get what you're saying about the thoughts popping into your head, and I wish I had a foolproof method to prevent it. It's almost a Catch 22. Thinking about stopping a thought only makes you think more about it. I just have to actively identify it's happening and just think about something else. It's hard. Kinda reminds me of the scene in Ghostbusters at the end when they're trying to think of nothing, and Ray thinks of the Stay-Puft marshmallow man. In the same way, if you spend too much time telling yourself to not think about her, guess what you'll be thinking about. Probably her. Next time a thought involving her comes up. Just stop whatever you're doing and tell yourself, "Not today", and try to focus on what you're doing at that moment. It gets better with time. Maybe think about what you want to do later that night/weekend, what you're gonna make for dinner, seeing how many state capitals you can remember, etc. Whatever it is doesn't really matter. Just don't fuel the thoughts you don't want by thinking about them too long...

[OrangeK]

As much as I try to avoid getting you information, I am glad very much that I found out about this new development. I think if she had just stayed with om number one the entire time and had a long and productive relationship with him it would have been far more detrimental on my self-esteem. Having this as confirmation that it's her not me type of thing is extremely helpful in my healing process. I'm a very self-critical person and I have spent well over a year dealing with the what did I do wrong type of mindset. Seeing this kind of behavior continued, if not worse for om that it was for me makes me firmly realize that no, it was not me. No, I did not do as much wrong as I thought. No, I am not an unlovable broken waste product. I was made to feel guilty for having goals dreams and aspirations, now I can have those things all to myself, just me and S4 kicking life's ass as it should be

[OrangeK]

Keeping with my theme of self analysis and honesty.

When EX is being plesant and chatty i find myself easily chatting back. Always about S4.
All these convos have an air of false niceness from both of us.
She uses "hah" "haha" and "lol" freakishly often in convo.
She never used tobdo this. Makes it feel very fake.

That being said. Here is my point of analysis.
I have very mixed feelings during these convos. Happy to be amiable but they do feel very fake. Like shes trying to lull me into false security or keep me in good graces for some reason. Its all too sugary to e genuine. I know what she sounds like when shes being nice.
Maybe i only ever knew the fabricated niceness in the past and now this deliberately sweet crap rings as very false to me.
However when we go weeks without talking it bothers me.

Why do you think this is?


I know the "dont try to figure it out" lines are coming.

This is an excersize in self learning. Why do i think this way, how to change it? Etc.

[mtb1981]

It could be she’s trying to keep you placated because of the court case concerning her father. My advice would be to stop being chatty with her. If we’re thinking of it in terms of addiction, you need to stop feeding it. You say it bothers you if you go weeks without talking to her. To me, that sounds like attachment, when you should focus on being detached. Keep it simple and only answer questions pertaining to your son and keep the replies short and sweet. I’m honestly kind of shocked that you want to interact with her at all after what she put you through...

[SteveLW]

It could be she’s trying to keep you placated because of the court case concerning her father. My advice would be to stop being chatty with her. If we’re thinking of it in terms of addiction, you need to stop feeding it. You say it bothers you if you go weeks without talking to her. To me, that sounds like attachment, when you should focus on being detached. Keep it simple and only answer questions pertaining to your son and keep the replies short and sweet. I’m honestly kind of shocked that you want to interact with her at all after what she put you through...

mtb nailed it. OK I think part of the reason your relationship with Mary didn't work is based in what mtb is saying here: your aren't even close to being over her yet

[OrangeK]

I've been looking inward a lot lately. I think I relapsed into a bit of snooping and having more conversations with her than I needed to because the restraining order she had against me expired and I think I maybe subconsciously I was expecting something to be different when that happened but the last week or so has reminded me why my hope that things might be different was a fruitless one. As S4 continues to have issues in school with his behavior it is they plainly obvious that she will lie about even the most trivial of things. she has lied about things she has done with us for as well as receiving documents from the school that she claimed she never got that I know was given to her in hand. S4 has more had more to say about this new guy. If anything wasn't evidence enough that she will never change it is the fact that she is yet again doing the same thing she did to me except now she's doing them to om. I went through my computer this weekend and deleted the last few remaining things of our past. For some reason I had had a hard time getting rid of our wedding photo album. Never deleted it in the past. No need for it now, it has been consigned to the recycle bin as well as blocking her on all social media for good and all. I think the season has something to do with it as well, spring always makes me think of new life and new things and I always feel loneliness most acutely in the spring. for a long time I was torn between wanting to have conversations with her sometimes out of nostalgia and other times out of looking for some angle or reason for karma to be taking its place. I don't know how things are really going on her end but I don't think they're going well but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. but my finances have been tough as well I am looking into getting a second job to help ease the burden. taking a concerted effort at quitting smoking again. I will be getting my Forge set up so that will provide some crafts and gal activity as well as exercise. I feel as though I have taken far longer to recover from this type of life event as other people seem to take but perhaps that's just because I was so deeply invested in the idea of my family and spending the rest of my life with them. It still irks me to hear about things that S4 is accomplishing that I do not get to witness or activities that he gets taken to do that I do not get to participate in. I never ever ever wanted a divorced household for my child but that is the reality of my situation and I'm going to make the best of a crappy one. I had to pretty much convinced her to spend time with her own child on Mother's Day after she took off for the weekend leaving me to watch S4 on her weekend well she was off with her new om. Goes to show where her priorities are, and at the end of the day that's not the type of wife that I want. a materialistic person who is addicted to limerence and admiration it's not going to be a healthy partner or parent in a long-term. I feel like a fool for having this affect me as long as it has but I'm a hopeless romantic who wears his heart on his sleeve so I guess it's to be expected. I know that if I spend time on myself improving myself the laws of fate and attraction will bring a woman into my life that is deserving of myself and S4. next time I hike a mountain I plan to leave the last vestiges of my pain in the cold morning air and walk back down to sea level with a clean conscience and a light heart

[OrangeK]

And yes MTB Waa 100% correct as usual

[SteveLW]

I feel as though I have taken far longer to recover from this type of life event as other people seem to take but perhaps that's just because I was so deeply invested in the idea of my family and spending the rest of my life with them.

OK, I wanted to address this first, not so much for you because that water is under the bridge. But for any newcomers that might read this. We all are deeply invested in the idea of our families and spending the rest of our lives with them. That is why we are the LBS! Otherwise we would be the WAS. I think you took longer to heal for two main reasons: you struggled with GAL (by your own admission). GAL is crucial. And all of us LBSs made excuse why we couldn't do a better job, but the bottom line is, with a proper focus on GAL we end up wallowing in our sorrow and "why me" and never really deal properly with the fact that there is life after our WAS. I remember one poignant moment in your sitch when I asked "OK, what is your GAL like?" Your answer: "It is sitting in my brothers house being bored out of my mind." That is not good.

Second, and this is probably directly related to not GAL properly, but you struggled mightily with detachment. We all do to a certain extent, but you really struggled with it. Detachment is so important, and those that GAL best usually detach the best. I think part of this for your sitch was also the TRO. But in some ways that should have helped with detachment (the age old IHS vs. physical separation paradox that so many LBSs struggle with).

Thirdly, LBSs HAVE to have IC. It is so hard to proceed forward without it. And goes to GAL as well.

In short, the better you DB the quicker and better you will recover. Again OK this is not to beat you up. You've come a long way. This is more a cautionary tale for other LBSs.