B is crashed on the "couch" (a futon) in the living room with a cat snoozing at her feet. The puir lass is exhausted and has been sick all week. Her sister and I think that it is due to her being tired and the mold in her apartment which had gotten worse while she was on vacation. She calls it a "cold". I don't know. I do believe that 2 weeks in the sun, staying up late, more drinking than she's used to - she's a one glass of wine girl most nights if that and then long travel days followed by a "busy" weekend with me last weekend - no doubt that she's exhausted.
I'm rather surprised that she did come over. I made it clear that she was welcome to come here to heal but that there was no pressure. I actually expected her not to. I fussed over her for a while - undoubtedly too much and am now doing my regular Saturday housework. I'd planned on steak for dinner but I think it will be tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.
I think that coming here while sick is a very big deal for her. She's feeling her age today and undoubtedly was always the one who cared for everyone else for most of her life. Her son and his kids are currently living elsewhere so she was alone in her small apartment.
No underwear on the clothes line but another car in the driveway.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hope B feels better soon. She may be feeling all of the above, but pollen is also blowing around outside this time of year too. But, I would venture to say that everything has caught up w/her and now her body is telling her it needs TLC for a while.
Funny how the cat is snoozing at her feet. Where is the other one? She may not be a true fan of cats, but this little lass is trying to win her over in her own way. LOL! You have to take a picture of them on that couch so that you can show her that cats aren't all bad.
I hope you don't catch whatever she's got.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
B is feeling much better now thank you job. Her fever broke at around 3:30 / 4:00 am. I held her until she was sleeping normally. We did eventually both I think get a good night's sleep.
This morning we had a fairly serious R talk. I was confident that she was healthy enough for it and TBH - it's not anything that we've not talked generally about before. I told her that while I wasn't asking her to move in, that she was always welcome here. Long story short, she's going to be moving a bit at a time over the next few months. This is both scary and exciting for both of us. We talked a bit about navigating the S24 issues and she agrees that he is my concern and not her's although she intends to bake - something that is a passion of her's and expects that S24 will be won over. I need to talk to him over Sunday supper tonight and let him know what's going on. He's seen her in the evenings and the mornings and I expect won't be surprised.
I think B felt spoiled sleeping etc yesterday while I did the cleaning and cooking etc. The cleaning and cooking needed to be done regardless. And she was sick.
She was extra spoiled today as as usual I made us breakfast then bundled her off to the cast-iron tub to soak for a while and I did the dishes and not only the sheets from yesterday - which were hung outside to sterilize them in the sunshine, but also laundry that she'd brought over. Usually a soak in the tub for her is about 15 minutes. She was in mine for well over an hour - the taps can be manipulated by toes to add in warm water. I heard her talking to someone when I passed by to put laundry away - she was talking to one of her best friends who felt that B was being "very" spoiled. It's a running joke with us that she relaxes while I cook and clean and in fact this is what happens. B I know is itching to contribute and take a more active role.
This is going to be tough and require a lot of navigating. I believe that B is intending next weekend to sort out some of the things on her settlement. She's working nights this week and suggested that she stay here on Wednesday when I'm normally working from home. I firmly believe that this is the right choice for me even if in some ways I'm terrified. We're taking baby steps in seven league boots.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am going to keep quiet on my personal opinion, but there is a technicality I want you to look at for you and B’s sake.
Is it wise to move in before the divorce is final? That could affect a divorce settlement. It’s probably not wise until she is legally divorced. Or does she plan on keeping her current place and just stay with you all the time until she is legally divorced?
I would navigate these waters carefully. I don’t what the rush is, ( dude, this is super fast, but I promised to shut up) but don’t let the rush compromise the divorce settlement . For safety reasons, I would wait until the divorce is final.
I know you will look into the legal aspect of this. In my province living arrangements, etc... make no difference to separation or divorce agreements.
However, I do have a question for you. Did you ever look into a cohabitation agreement - kind of like a prenuptial but it’s just for living together. I know you mentioned it before. I also spoke with a lawyer about that kind of thing, back during my separation. I was just wondering what you might have found out. I have a vague idea about it, and have no pressing need for one at the moment, just storing information away for future possible use.
Happy for you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi Ginger1 - I suspect that your opinion is buried under a large pile of 2X4s - most of which I could probably read out the labels on for you all the way from here
While I don't know for sure I think that it would be safe to assume that the fact that B is dating someone would complicate her settlement and co-habitating will make it even more complicated. Not for legal reasons, but more the emotional ones from her STBX. How that will all work out is anyone's guess but I personally expect that it will be a couple of years before everything is signed and done. From the little information I have, she is eligable for a pretty decent settlement. What she'll actually get is unknown. She did suggest that she'll be going through some of the property items next weekend.
DnJ - I did reach out to my lawyer a while ago as you may recall about cohabitation agreements. B and I have talked in general terms about shared costs and making sure that assets etc are kept separate. She has at present few assets but with her settlement and an inheritance that may change substantially. Or not.
I'll probably wait until the end of summer before doing anything official unless circumstances change.
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S24 was actually quite startled when I told him that B will be moving in gradually over time. I think he appreciated the advance notice. Given the speed with which he then finished his dinner and headed up to his room his mother may or may not know now too. Literally none of my business though.
I heard from B a short while ago - she finished her first night shift of the week and is feeling reasonably good and is heading off to bed. Late night for me last night as often happens on a Sunday. Dragging this morning. Time to "hop" in to the shower and get to work.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It’s not even 2x4’s. It’s me sincerely having concerns about stuff you can’t see from the inside. I think they might make you upset and perhaps fall on deaf ears, so it’s not worth it.
Why years before the settlement is final?
And you can see why S24 is startled? It’s been barely 3 months? I’m startled, and I’m. Not your kid and I don’t live there.
I’m afraid you are rescuing her when she’s a big girl and could do her own rescuing. But I’m going to bite my tongue really hard ( very hard for me) and I’m going to trust you are not acting on pure emotion here and the cons and possibilities have been thoroughly weighed. That this was a very well thought out decision from a Logical point of view. Logical for you, and all you have and the life you built for yourself. Not just because she needs a place to live and you want her around all the time.
I see a whole lot being a nurse. Especially a case manager. So please, protect yourself in every which way possible. You’ve got a heart of gold, that I know. But you have to make sure you are doing right for yourself before you rescue women you’ve known for maybe 3 months .
Yeah Andrew - I'd just add that it takes some time to really get to know somebody, and living together is different than dating.
Look, I dated crazy ex-bf for four years before it came out that he had another woman on the side. It was several months into dating CMM before I knew the depth of his estrangement from his daughters - and a few more months before I came to understand how he is likely the cause of that estrangement. (He's got a rigid OCD side and NO insight into the fact that he HAS OCD.
I'm not suggesting you'll find out anything that drastic about B, but watch for red flags. And remember that her moving in means having her kids in your life. And it's a lot easier to break up with somebody when it doesn't involve also evicting them from your home.
Ginger - I'll stop you when you're wrong ... ((G)) Thanks.
kml - Your comments are well taken. I'm not exactly sure when / how B will be moving in and expect that she's not sure yet either. We have talked honestly about things possibly not working out and there's an article I need to send over to her called "The Fvck Off Fund" - interesting bit of trivia - the author has a messed up financial life - easier to give advice than follow it
Looking at this in an honest and critical fashion - yes - I certainly agree that there is more than a bit of princess rescuing going on (am I Mario or Luigi?). There is the artificial deadline of the end of June for her to be out of her current apartment which is absolutely artificial. She could move elsewhere or even extend her stay. It's a month-to-month setup and not a lease.
Are we actually ready for this? Probably not. Would more time dating, and spending time together be wise? Probably.
Looking at my own entrails as I have a tendency to do - other than the unknown that would mean a "no" - I can't really see anything that would make it more of a "yes" by waiting further.
B is planning on spending more time at the house. She's made it clear that for the present that she will "not" be in the house unless I am as well. She's on nights this week and is planning on staying over Wednesday through the day while I'm working from home.
B has also said that she fully intends to have first and last month's rent saved up and set aside. Just in case.
I am both excited and terrified. Thank you all for riding along and reminding me to keep my arms and legs fully inside the vehicle at all times.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
