Wanted to quickly say you are doing well. I am going to be living vicariously through you and all the trips you got planned! (Hugs to you and your daughters)
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
My interpretation of your H's behaviour is that he was embarrassed about going out under the circumstances, not necessarily that he was hiding who he was going out with. But I realise I'm an optimist and many people on this board have learnt to expect the worst of their spouses...He sounds like he thought you might be angry with him too, and you were, so maybe that was part of the dynamic. Why didn't you just ask him where he was going? But anyway, no matter what the motivation to book the trips they are a good thing
Thanks Adam. I know the trips will be good for me and the girls. A little sad that going on hols with the three of us (or just the three of them) seems to be the 'norm' now. The one on my own is through an adventure group. They organize 'adventures' for people in their 30's and 40's - not a dating thing. More a bucket list adventure thing. I've heard good things. Scary though.
Dilly - you could be correct. I don'tn tell him what I'm doing even though I am not doing anything. For example, I have told him I am going away but have not told him what I am doing. I guess it's part of the "this is my life" and I feel the need to protect it. Maybe it's the same for him. Plus, I have questioned him before, he would go to the gym and be gone for 3-4 hours and when I'd say "How was the gym?", I'd get a huff, followed by a look, followed by an "YOU don't need to ask". That was a long time ago but I've learned to not question when the things he says don't add up.
i've change the title as it Take Control Back sounded a little aggressive
There is something in the air. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. A change in temperature maybe. We had started to open up a little, but it seems we are both on guard again.
I've been doing yoga at home each day as have had the kids non-stop for the last five days. I've found some amazing tutorials on YouTube and am considering giving up my gym membership. It's a �120 per month so it would be decent saving.
Yesterday was the first day in ages without the kids so I met up with some friends for a beer after work. There are a lot of nice out door bar areas around work so we thought we'd take advantage. Well, the weather has turned cold again (darn that English weather) so only had two and then headed home. Beers, pleasant conversation and then home.
On the train back I got a text from D9 asking if I was on my way back yet. Turns out H decided to take them back to mine after football training to change and have dinner. I could tell in our text exchange that she was disappointed I wasn't home and I felt guilty the whole way back.
I got sent the childcare schedule for May yesterday (after chasing him twice). His work schedule changes from one month to the next.
** side note: He bids for days to work, a computer applies various algorithms (length of employment, hours worked so far, permitted hours flying, rest days etc) and out comes a 'tentative' roster. The pilots then 'swap' shifts (subject to a bunch of regulations) and by around the 15th of the month prior, the roster for the next month is firmed up. Once he has the schedule, then he dicks around with it some to work out what days he wants the kids and finally, a firmed up childcare schedule is sent to me. I then give our nanny her shifts. I also have to fit GAL around this.
I consistently get the schedule between 23 and 25th of the month leaving my a week to sort out childcare and confirm (or decline) my own plans. On the the days he doesn't have the kids he puts "Away" on the schedule. This really winds me up - as "Away" is his way of saying "working" when he really means "working or out". I don't mind that he has a life outside 'the family' but I find it insulting that he puts a schedule together that says he is working when sometimes he is ta the football, or going out with mates, or seeing other women.
I have not said anything before because I always questioned how doing so "would bring me closer to my goal". But yesterday, I put caveat on that goal - I want to R, but not on the basis that I am being taken advantage of. The continued delay is disrespectful and the lying is insulting. So yesterday I told him I wanted the schedule by the 20th of each month (5 days is enough for him to [censored] sort out his social life) and to just put down the days he is having the children. I don't need to know when he is "away".
He didn't respond. Later when we exchanged texts about D9 his responses were short. I popped around to his flat this morning (I asked first) and when I enquired about his dad, his response was "no change" (i.e. dismissive).
** side note 2: I normally avoid going to his flat because it feels like an intrusion. A separate life devoid of me. But I felt guilty about not being home last night and wanted to see D9. When I got there he told me to help myself to a drink and I opened one of the the cupboard. It was full of spices and proper cooking stuff. In the 15-16 years we lived together he never once cooked dinner. Now, he has recipe books and cooks with spices. It is weird the power a little thing like spices has to still cut me up.
I think that way of scheduling and organising childcare would annoy me too, FS. If he doesn't give you the schedule earlier, have you planned how you will respond? I guess a single father would not be able to do a job like that unless he employed his own nanny. Would it be better or more equitable if he was responsible for scheduling the nanny's shifts at least half the time?
FS, This sounds difficult. It's a change, and you don't know what's around the corner. But maybe it's just minor bump you two have to figure out how to navigate as coparents, and it will ultimately lead towards (hopefully) better communication and who knows what else.
We all know how there's that famous (annoying) phrase people say, "Marriage takes work". Well, take out M, and let's just say "relationships". And I often wonder - no one ever says what that work looks like. What form does it take?
So maybe this is an example of the "work" you have to put in to create a changed dynamic. This awkward, bumpy part.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Plus, I have questioned him before, he would go to the gym and be gone for 3-4 hours and when I'd say "How was the gym?", I'd get a huff, followed by a look, followed by an "YOU don't need to ask". That was a long time ago but I've learned to not question when the things he says don't add up.
Later, when you have reestablished a solid communication style, this might be something to revisit. If significant time has passed, perhaps enough has changed that this can result in a different response. It would be an interesting barometer.
Please start a new thread and link both threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Take back control sounds a little UKIP... The spices thing sounds hurtful, but it's a 180. It's good that he's taking care of himself, right? Maybe if you R he will be able to whip up delicious meals for you.
You seem to infer quite a lot from his behaviour, and they're not the most positive of interpretations are they? Just an observation...
It was good he felt comfortable inviting you in and letting you help yourself. I feel you need to toughen up a bit , getting Triggered over spices ? Imagine it was female underwear like some people have had . Time to get on the positive half full side of life .
I know your scheduling is difficult, but I know you can do it . How about inviting the girls to a show and having a girls fun night out ? Maybe a music concert so you can let your mind go a bit ? Or even better something completely new ? You are a wonderful person and deserve happiness.
