I have seen the 37 rules post......is there a thread for rules for R in case i am missing an important piece of my puzzle and overthinking everything?
Where I am at right now is not coming from a place of pain, but clarity in thinking. However, I dont like leaving things broken (im a fixer by nature: home, cars, machines, etc. Relationships are one that always puzzled me). I always treat my girlfriends with utmost respect and caring, but I always seem to end up in the nice guy role and end up getting [censored] on. Lately, I have been standing up for myself and not letting people get away with nothing whether it be in MR (or whatever you want to call it) work, or sports. I am holding myself to a higher standard than at any other point in my life and I gotta say it feels incredible.
Had counseling today, needless to say she was not a happy camper. Counselor was asking her about the grudges she had towards me and if she was able to get over those. She said she didnt know. IC asked her what kinda relationship if any would we have if she wasnt able to let go/get over those....she said none probably. When IC asked me where I was at in all this I stated: as of right now, i see nothing that indicates that I should move forward with the divorce. She kinda gave me this look and said I cant believe you actually said it out loud.
I asked her, based on everything and what we are doing, can you see this moving towards anything that would resemble a happy marrriage? W: not reall, but why am I just now hearing about it? M: I said it in counseling so you wouldnt flood and blow up W: that was smart
I asked her, based on everything and what we are doing, can you see this moving towards anything that would resemble a happy marrriage? W: not reall, but why am I just now hearing about it? M: I said it in counseling so you wouldnt flood and blow up W: that was smart
Why would you ask her that? What did you expect her answer to be? You see, believe NOTHING she says means don't ask her questions, because the answer will either be her CURRENT truth (based on her WAS fog), or it could be a lie to placate you. Either way it isn't going to be what you want to hear. And if it is you can't trust it.
How is GAL going?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
great. Finsihed cleaning my garage and organizing my tools, took kids to see new Avengers movie, and started a sand volleyball team on Sunday, plus subbing for softball during the summer. Still hitting the gym, putting more weight on, but it more muscle as I've had to increase my weights.
Based on her body language, I think she already knew what I was gonna say as she just kinda took it in and didnt really seem that shocked by my answer to the IC question. The WAW fog has been gone for about ruffly 6 months or so as that is when she stopped seeing the OM(kid 24 yrs old) once she realized he really didnt want anything to do with our kids.
Sorry, that should read: why shouldn't I continue moving forward with the divorce (6-19-19 is next court date). In counseling she tried to argue about I took her kids away (since I have temp custody, but nothing else has changed) and said that she was gonna tell the judge she didnt need 800/month in child support. I was like well where was that at when we were going through the process? W: you really think I would take all 800, when I would only need and tell the judge 4-500? M: since I still dont trust anything you do or say, I'm not about to start now, esp since you had the opportunity in court to tell the judge that and didnt. Actions speak louder than words.
Either way, she now knows that I see no (happy) marriage here and will be proceeding with the divorce, unless a miracle happens in the next 50 sum odd days.
Moving forward with the D is completely up to you. It is in your power to do so. However, do you want a D? If not, why would you push it forward if you don't want it? If she wants it, she'll push it forward. If you are doing it because you think it will give you some time of relief from pain, I think you are sorely mistaken. Instead of being in limbo and miserable, you'll be D'd and miserable.
I tell LBSs all the time, earn your way out of your marriage. Be able to look back in 10-15-20 years from now, look your kids in the eyes, and tell them honestly and with integrity that you did everything in your power to save your MR. Trust me, that will be a better story than "I gave up."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Working on R is hard enough. Working on R with a drug addict is beyond difficult. Your W sounds somewhat like mine. I'll have to come back and look through your sitch more thoroughly when I have time. Good luck, man. Keep your head up and be the best dad you can be for your kids...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
When she says she just looks at me like a friend with no attraction or loving feelings and doesnt think they will return, kinda killed it for me. We tried this whole process about 5 years ago, but it just keeps coming back to the same thing. I put a lot into the marriage after that, forgave her and trusted her, and she did it again. Even after the whole drug addiction (which she still says was under control.....big red flag) I still loved her and did everything to get her help. Was I hard, yes, but I have plenty of family that were addicted b4 and if you are not hard, they dont get clean. I dont have it in me to go through this whole process yet again, esp when she says she would rather work on just herself and figure out who she is, and what she wants, and then work on us if that is what she decides.
So we have multiple affairs, drug addictions, lying (big and small), MLC, and now an STD and top of everything else.
Tried that 5 or so years ago, made changes to myself (some were harder than others), helped out more around the house, we talked more, but she lost the infatuation feelings and has been chasing those ever since. This is not just me saying that, but our MC, both of her BF's, and her IC (court appointed due to probation) as well. If she knew what love actually was, or looked like and not just the Hollywood version, then there might be a chance. As it stands right now, it would take a miracle from GOD to show her what she is losing. Even after I told her I wanted to proceed with the divorce, she had this I dont care body language. My view on marriage/relationships are completely opposite of what hers are at the moment from the conversations we have had.
When she says she just looks at me like a friend with no attraction or loving feelings and doesnt think they will return, kinda killed it for me. We tried this whole process about 5 years ago, but it just keeps coming back to the same thing. I put a lot into the marriage after that, forgave her and trusted her, and she did it again. Even after the whole drug addiction (which she still says was under control.....big red flag) I still loved her and did everything to get her help. Was I hard, yes, but I have plenty of family that were addicted b4 and if you are not hard, they dont get clean. I dont have it in me to go through this whole process yet again, esp when she says she would rather work on just herself and figure out who she is, and what she wants, and then work on us if that is what she decides.
So we have multiple affairs, drug addictions, lying (big and small), MLC, and now an STD and top of everything else.
Yeah, I don't blame you one bit for wanting to move on. Like Steve said though, make sure you've given it all you have (and it sounds like you have). That's what I did in my sitch. I don't believe in divorce and did everything I could to try to make it work. Yet here I am, in the process of getting a divorce. Like I said earlier, when drugs are involved, it's a whole different animal. My W is addicted to prescription pain killers. We separated for about 7 months back in 2013 and then tried to reconcile. She went to rehab and it looked like things were getting better, but looking back, her fantasy fell through and I was just a back up plan. Wash, rinse, repeat. A few years later it was the same song and dance. I heard the same things you were hearing. I want to work on myself and figure out what i want and then we can work on us. That just translated into I'm moving out to get high and bang other dudes while you stay here and take care of the kids by yourself until my fantasy falls apart and I come back like I did last time. W also had the same characteristics of not having any goals, watching TV all the time, and the whole ILYBINILWY thing going on. And I agree, she has no idea what love really is. But I think that's how most addicts are. Constantly chasing a high, and if the butterflies and excitement aren't there then you aren't in love. Move onto the next dude that can temporarily give them to you. Just make sure D is what you really want, because once you pull the trigger, there's no going back. I can tell you that I'm the happiest I've been in years. But I also don't want to be the guy on the divorce busting boards promoting divorce. I 100% support putting in the work to make things work. But at the same time I realized that sometimes things get so broke that you can't fix them. Hang in there...
Here's my most recent thread in case you're interested. Fair warning, it's a $hitshow, but so much better now. Lol...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
