Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Honestly, Rose is right. Developing empathy means not writing posts where you focus on and criticize your wife's choices. Empathy means you support her choices because you recognize the pain she's in. You don't have agree with them. It's also not something, as you say, you do once in a while. Empathy is a total commitment to consideration of someone else's feelings. Until you you recognize what she must be dealing with you won't be able to forgive the pain she's causing you - and move on.
Mark I actually do empathize with the pain she's in, going through, and I support what she is doing or wanting to do with her life. Even though I don't agree with it. She is finally admitted to me that she's going through a soft midlife crisis. She actually wants to write a book about it and strikethrough the word crisis and call it transformation, transition, renovation or whatever she calls it.
It's not that I don't recognize or dismiss the changes and the pain that she's going through. I'm more than well aware of it and realize this is about her. Just for the hell of it because she looked really depressed and confused last week, I reached out to her last week and we had a good discussion about some of the her feelings and thoughts about moving forward with her new life, how she's going to do it what she wants to achieve a lot of dreams and goals she has....etc... I just have to make it a conscious effort to keep it at the forefront of my mind at all times. When I do I'm relaxed because it's not about me and I know it. I just shut up validated and listen.
However we all go back and forth with our thoughts and emotions and cycles individually in these situations. There is no wrong or right answer. People want to live their lives the way they want to live their lives and you can't control them, and I get that you just have to let them go. But what LBS on here wouldn't be a little bit hurt, a little bit pi$$ed, and a little bit critical at times? We wouldn't call it a "fog" if we didn't see it for what it was. Either way the fog is just a generalization and a theory, but a good one for all of us to make sense and find common ground with what we are experiencing in our spouses
So you’ve decided her decision to leave the marriage has nothing to do with you as a spouse?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I am a part of the reason why she is leaving the M Rose. Not all of it. Are you asking out of curiosity or are you trying to lead me torwards something?
Trying to understand comments like “this is about her” and the reason your posts overwhelmingly position you as a victim, instead of focusing on your 180s and personal growth.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Actually Rose quite the opposite. She's the victim with all of the "justifications" for leaving. Some being legitimate on my side of the street which I am working on or doing 180's on. No accountability on her side. But that's ok.. Because it no longer matters to me, nor does she or what she does. My focus will be strictly me and my S1 now. People need to meet other people halfway to come to the realization of how they got there in the first place. Im not going to take all the blame as to why another person is unhappy with their lives. Try and understand this from a Man's perspective, and Ill try and understand having more empathy torwards a woman's perspective.
Uhhh!!! I can't take this anymore. This will be the 8th or 9th time W has asked me to take off from work to watch our S1 to alleviate my MIL which I understand, and want to help MIL. W has been frequently taking off of work the last 5 months between Dr's visits Again if you read my sich... W had me miss 3 days of work over the last 4 months for Gastric Bypass consultations, but failed to commit to the actual surgery and blames me for it, because apparantly she doesn't trust me enough to care for S1 for perceived month recovery time.) Plus I've taken off of work 5 more times in addition to alleviate MIL and W for FIL who has dementia and Dr's appointments. Plus anytime I have a rain day, and Im off from work, I volunteer to watch S1 to alleviate MIL. So I have missed quote a few days, and am losing $$$ to prepare for whatever moves I need to make in the near future. We have even had my brother and niece baby sit for a week (Whom my W never liked or trusted, until now when she needs something, to watch S1 because of all this.
I have had the discussion, that I want to help MIL, love to help, and love spending time with S1 several times with W for these circumstances, but there needs to be limits, and advanced notice, and some time sharing for these circumstances. While living under the same roof, she still puts the responsibility on me that its my obligation to take off to watch S1 as a father should for his son, despite it being W and my MIL's issue. I have suggested to W several times over these circumstances that moving forward, we need to find a baby sitter. Im tired of being the built in yes man baby sitter. On the other hand I don't want to be an ingrate, because MIL has watched S1 for last 1.5 years.
After being minimal to NC other than logistics for 6 months. She only reaches out when she needs something from me. Im so sick of it. Like how many times do I have to say "I'm happy to help, but there needs to be limits, and every time I try to enforce them, or at least balance them, I get the "He's your son too" guilt trip, Im sick of this manipulation, But I want to be there for S1 too. This boundary needs to have some teeth and limits, I just don't know if it will bite me in the behind later.
Not once have I asked W to take off of work for the same reasons, but she has not only used all sick days for her own personal reasons, and family reasons, but expects me to take off to "balance" her absences.
Sounds like S needs to be in daycare. Obviously you can't risk losing your job by taking so much time off. And if your FIL has dementia then your MIL has her hands full and should not be expected to be a nanny. Taking care of a one-year-old is a lot to ask of a relative. Are you paying her?
Have a post upcoming of last night discussion but first, found out when I got home MIL has aggressive uterine cancer. She beat colon cancer 6 years ago after chemo and reconstruction. MIL will be having hysterectomy. W started to get a little upset in announcing this to me. Then shut down. I offered that when and if she is willing to discuss this with me, or needs support, I am there. If I need to take off from work., I am there. I tried to be as empathetic of the situation as possible.
Its my night off. I offered to stay if she needs anything, help with S1 and scknowledged she is dealing with a lot! She refused. Before I left, she was talking to someone who wasn't family related on phone. Don't know who. I kissed S1 goodbye, and she said see you later in a platonic neutral sense, like she was surprised how I was dressed, but was being or trying to be emotionally neutral.
I'm at Barnes and Noble right now reading Should I Stay or Should I Go? Great boom so far as far as what Women think and experience and the reasons for leaving, also what Men can do to progress and change. Pretty balanced.
