I know that you are having an affair with your ex colleague "XXXX" and it breaks my heart to know that there is someone else in your life who is more important to you than me and is tearing our family apart. . WW - Nothing like this is there and there is no affair, he is just a good friend.
Vik11- Please do not lie anymore and disrespect me and our daughter. I will not tolerate your deceit and allow you to continue to lie to your parents as well. They are good people and don't want them to think that our marriage broke just because of the reasons that you have given me.They deserve to know the truth on our side as well, because i took your hand from your father and I feel responsible.
WW - Ok, yes i have an affair and you are responsible for that. You pushed me into that.
Vik11 - I know that I did things that strained our MR and the reasons that you gave me have merit and I am working on fixing those and will continue to do so for my personal growth and other relations.While what I did was subconcious, you made a conscious choice to be in affair, knowing well the damage it will be causing.So, I take the 50% responsibility for my actions that deteriorated our MR, but the affair is on you. You decided to choose affair over family, infedility over trust and marriage. What are you going to tell your daughter in future, when she faces issues and going gets tough in her life? That she should cut and run? If you decide to continue the affair, we can't be friends as you had mentioned in one of your messages. As we have to coparent our daughter, we will be only talking/messaging regarding our daughter.
WW - So, if you know that I don't want to be with you, I will file the divorce soon.
Vik11 - That is your choice. I don't want a divorce, but if it is something that you want, go ahead and do as you please. I will have my lawyer reply and till the time divorce doesn't get final, do not expose our daughter to OM, otherwise I may have to proceed legally on that as well
After this, i will leave the room.
What do you guys think. Is this OK.
I know the conversation can go in any direction, but I wanted to make sure I had answers for main things I know will come during discussion.
If you think there is anything I need to change, please let me know or if you think I need to be prepared for some other points, would appreciate your inputs. (I PLAN TO DO IT TOMORROW, SO WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU CAN TAKE SOME OF YOUR TIME TODAY TO GO THROUGH THIS AND REPLY)
Vik, you can't reason with her, you also can't guilt her and you can't blame her like you are trying to do because she will throw it right back in your face and explain (or more likely, scream) about why it's all your fault. If you want to let her know you know about the affair, then just keep it short and sweet. "W, I just wanted to let you know that I am aware of your affair and I am disgusted by your behavior." That's it. No more needs to be said. If she denies just look her straight in the eye and say "we both know that's not true." If she persists just say "I just wanted to tell you that I know, and that's all I have to say about it".
THAT IS ALL. Do it calmly, without anger or hatred or anything in your voice. You're just informing her. DO NOT ENGAGE IN AN R TALK, which is what you're trying to do above.
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Please do not lie anymore and disrespect me and our daughter.
Do not use D against her, D doesn't have any place in a discussion about an affair.
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I will not tolerate your deceit and allow you to continue to lie to your parents as well. They are good people and don't want them to think that our marriage broke just because of the reasons that you have given me.They deserve to know the truth on our side as well, because i took your hand from your father and I feel responsible.
Do not use her parents against her either. That will backfire on you in spectacular fashion, because at the end of the day if you force their hands her parents WILL stand with her and not you. It's far better to not involve them at all and just try to maintain a peaceful relationship with them.
"W, I just wanted to let you know that I am aware of your affair and I am disgusted by your behavior." That's it. No more needs to be said. If she denies just look her straight in the eye and say "we both know that's not true." If she persists just say "I just wanted to tell you that I know, and that's all I have to say about it".
THAT IS ALL. Do it calmly, without anger or hatred or anything in your voice. You're just informing her. DO NOT ENGAGE IN AN R TALK, which is what you're trying to do above.
What AS says
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I agree with the example Another Stander gave you. Be sure you face her like a man, and don't tell her through text messages. Remember, this is not about where you failed. This is about her affair. Do not get into a relationship talk, b/c it will weaken the strength of point of confrontation. You want to appear confident, say what Another Stander suggested, and then leave her there alone while you go out for several hours. When you go back home, there is nothing to discuss. WW's can say things the H desperately wants to believe, but they are lies. She can twist the truth and make him feel that everything is his fault. One of the biggest lies is how they don't want a relationship with any man. They just want to find themselves. I think this will be the route your W will take. She'll say she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, and just wants her own living space, yada.....yada.....yada. It's garbage. Be smart and don't believe anything she says. And....don't believe any tears she sheds. It's no problem for women to turn on tears when they are trying to deceive someone. Just like they can turn on charm when they decide. So, chill and don't get suckered into drama.
She may be cold and go completely silent. That's fine. It won't kill you. The MR is over, at least for now. Your job is to let her go. Don't cling, don't cry, don't try to get her to talk......and don't apologize for anything. This is not the time. She needs to deal with the results of knowing she did not deceive you. Any other discussions at this time will only distract. And trust me when I say that she will twist things and have you thinking the moon is made out of cheese. I think you maintain a little distance, b/c you are vulnerable and too concerned about how she feels. You don't have to act mad or as if you are sulking, but do nothing that appears as if you are trying to "make up" with her. If she turns on tears, don't comfort her. If she asks for a hug, tell her "no". WW's do this b/c they are trying to manipulate......not b/c they are sorry for their actions. Don't try to make everything nice and comfy for her. Don't feel badly for her. Don't cater to her. She has fired you. She has brought this upon herself, so don/'t show affection or tenderness. If you do, then she will think you are a fool for be manipulated by her. This is the time she needs to see you standing strong and confident like a man who can't be fooled by feminine wiles.
Don't mention your pain. She will turn it on you. This is not the time to talk about anything else. The confrontation is not about producing guilt or any other feelings in your WW. Don't mention her parents or her child. The purpose of this confrontation is to tell her you know the truth. It's not about trying to stop her from leaving. In fact, she needs to know you are letting her go. Keep the confrontation short & simple. I think you should leave the house immediately after the confrontation, and let her stay alone for some hours.
These suggestions probably feel very opposite of what you want to do. I have yet to see a newcomer LBH who comes close to thinking like his WW........and that's why I try to give some inkling of the mindset of a WW. Take this a step at a time. The first step is to confront her. Next step is letting her go on her way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks you all for your advice and guidance...means a lot. So, I will keep my confrontation to just telling her that she has not deceived me and I know the truth.
She is already talking to lawyers and planning to marry the OM. This is what I heard from her conversation with OM. Also, I dont think there will be tears or anything as she has already said that she hates me for what I have done in the relationship and has been really cold toward me. Not cooking food for family (just makes her food and for daughter), not talking to me, nothing.
Don't know what will happen, but I will keep you guys posted.
Thanks again to this wonderful family and great support.
Don´t trust what you´ve heardt. WW minds are monkey fed. Just protect yourself and let her go. She must know that: you are letting her go, she is free. So you are.
Remember no MR talks, believe nothing that they say.
Detach and keep DB. It takes time and patience.
Stay strong there man!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
She is already talking to lawyers and planning to marry the OM. This is what I heard from her conversation with OM.
It may happen, and it may not. People have married their AP. For the WW, it's part of her fantasy. Reality has a way of deflating the thrill of sneaking around and having an affair. In the meantime, you get out of her way, and you use the time to focus on you and daughter.
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She is already talking to lawyers and planning to marry the OM. This is what I heard from her conversation with OM. Also, I dont think there will be tears or anything as she has already said that she hates me for what I have done in the relationship and has been really cold toward me. Not cooking food for family (just makes her food and for daughter), not talking to me, nothing.
I actually hope she keeps that way until she's out of the house, just b/c I think it would be a lot more difficult for you if she pulled the other stuff. Be prepared for anything. Don't let down your guard.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"My heart says that I should do it after, so that her interview does not get screwed up."
Although considerate... Does it really matter at this point how your WW conducts herself under stress during HER INTERVIEW? Im not saying be punitive. But deliver your message when YOU think it is right for YOU. Not how you think it will make her feel. Clearly her consideration for YOU has gone out the window with the baby and the bath water.
I am with IHC. There is NEVER a right time. There will always be a reason to put it off. Figure out when it works for you and then do it. Her timing is her timing, not yours.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
