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A Message from Michele
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Re: Mlc wife [Re: OneArt] #2842034
03/15/19 11:18 PM
03/15/19 11:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,049
Southern Maryland
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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,049
Southern Maryland
Here is a link to a thread that I wrote many years ago on reconnection. It might help explain the reconnection process for you.

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection


Re: Mlc wife [Re: R678] #2844490
04/04/19 02:57 PM
04/04/19 02:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 39
Uk
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R678 Offline OP
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Hi everyone hope your all ok I havenít posted for a while nothing to report resllyvnit seen the W for a month now . What she tends to do is come to the house whilst Iím at work to get her post and things . I myself have not called her or texted her nothing. I need no contact for me ..Now can anyone tell me why she has taken to doing this as a couple of months ago she would come round on a night and weíd share a take away or. Something but now nothing . Is she mirroring what Iím doing or is it something else . Confused

Re: Mlc wife [Re: R678] #2844581
04/05/19 02:34 AM
04/05/19 02:34 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,176
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DnJ Offline
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Hello R678

From Hamburgís thread:

Originally Posted by R678
Interesting point dnj I never knew bd destroys them to . Why is that

From how I see things and have experienced.

The MLCer has a trigger event 18-24 months prior to BD, and this sets their crisis in motion. This trigger is not the cause of their MLC, it just resurfaces past trauma(s) usually from childhood or when they had less delevoped coping skills and mechanisms. A lot of MLCer had troubled childhoods and upbringings so their coping skills and emotional understanding is not healthy.

Whatever trauma is lurking within the MLCer has probably surfaced before, and has been successfully buried each time. However, midlife is a big transition, mortality, aging parents, children growled up, children leaving home, a person is not needed as they were for a large part of their adult life; it is tough enough for non-MLCers. At this point they canít bury their pain and trauma, they canít navigate a path to ignore it as they have before.

Slowly over the course of years (18-24 months) a unrealized, unacknowledged, and quite unknown pain grows within them. This is completely hidden from them; they have been happily living and loving along their lives with no clue of the bomb ticking inside them. As the pain grows, and more and more pressure and confusion mounts, they suffer more and more.

Long ago pains and emotions surface, and bring unreal feelings with them. MLCer will wonder what the h3ll is wrong with them. My W told me she thought she was going insane. An emotional runaway begins and irrational behaviour starts to take over. The MLCer tries various things to alleviate their suffering, all of which fail. If the LBS looks back over the two or so years before BD one can see subtle signs which grow over time until the big bomb drop. These are small signs which grow slowly. We walk on eggshells almost unknowningly just wondering what is wrong.

Bomb Drop! The point where the MLCer cannot contain their emotions anymore. They usually are so full of resentment towards their loving spouse, so angry, so projecting on to the LBS as the source of their pain. The LBS is not the source, and there is no way you can explain that to the MLCer, they are far gone when BD happens.

This crisis is emotional turmoil, ceaseless, and unrelenting. Remember this isnít like just being angry, the MLCer doesnít understand or realize any of what is going on. After such a prolonged and unfathomable time of torment trying to hold themselves together they just explode and destroy themselves. All h3ll breaks loose after BD.

MLC is a psychological problem. Their mind, the very thing that defines and creates their reality is in torment. False memories, changed histories, justifications, etc... all cannot be seen for the delusions they are. The MLCer mind created it, believes it, and cannot be dissuaded or dispelled.

At BD the confusion of multiple realities or viewpoints is dropped, their fantasy is grabbed onto and they run with it. They have their peace and happiness, or so they feel - actually it is worst, it is what they believe. And they will expend enormous energies to maintain their fantasy.

The destruction of their previous lives has to happen. They need to get away, to run. It is non-negotiable for them. Driven, needy, desperate, hurt, and depressed - they run. Emotions are in control. The MLC follows whatever feeling flits into their mind. Decisions are quickly made, and unmade. Their memories are like Swiss cheese. Decisions are not long term, even a short term decision donít last, and all are based on irrational desires and not reasoned thought and logic. However the MLCer doesnít see it that way. They completely believe they are finally living authentically.

My W destroyed her relationship with me, kids, etc., destroyed her business, her reputation, her financial security, and on and on. She threw away everything. What pushes a person that far? To explode with that kind of force?

There is nothing one can do. You cannot reason with someoneís reality, they need to see it for themselves. Time and space. They need to work through the pain, see and understand that their spouse is not the cause, see what the OP really is, see the damage they have inflicted, and grow and heal. A very tall order for someone in their state of mind.

This is an incredible and staggering process to witness and be part of. From horrific and chaotic, to nothing, no contact.

Time and space.

Compassion and understanding.

Faith and hope.

Let God have them, and perhaps from their destruction they can be reborn.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW47 S22 S20 S18 D16

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Mlc wife [Re: R678] #2844607
04/05/19 12:17 PM
04/05/19 12:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
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R678 Offline OP
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Well bd no2 today w saying she wants to sell the house but Iím not selling hopefully I can remortgage and but her out itís funny because everything that Iíve read and learnt comes forth . It is strange as this is exactly what happened with her sister 2 years ago de ja voue I do believe .

Re: Mlc wife [Re: R678] #2844608
04/05/19 12:19 PM
04/05/19 12:19 PM
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Posts: 39
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R678 Offline OP
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In a way itís a shock but inside I sort of expected it so not a major shock really . I just hope that when this is all over and she wakes up if she wakes up she can stand back and realise the damage she has done but I doubt it .

Re: Mlc wife [Re: R678] #2845606
04/15/19 12:33 PM
04/15/19 12:33 PM
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Posts: 39
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R678 Offline OP
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Hello all update time although there isnít really a lot to update as I have had no contact with w . D30 was on the telephone to her the other day and was telling me how w was crying one minute then not then crying again saying some strange things about d looking after her children because their special and deserve all the love and the likes . D said she sounded very depressed. also apparently she has fallen out of friends with one of her work colleagues who originally when she started working there and their friendship was struck up this person (female)was the best thing since sliced bread but not now apparently , I knew this would happen as the friend in question is really lazy and doesnít do anything to benifut the place wonít even wash her coffee cup up whereas the W has always been a neat freak tidying up and the likes constantly so I guess this friendship has shown its true colours as I thought it would suppose chalk snd cheese really . It is difficult when I hear sheís not in a good place and that inner voice tells me to text her to check on her but then another voice comes along and says No donít, leave it be . I visited D over the weekend and was telling her about W messaging me about selling the house although not heard anything more about that one as I said to W at the time Iím not selling if you want out Iíll try to remortgage and buy you out but I havenít and am not doing anything about it .funnily D said Dad donít do anything let it be which we must be thinking alike on that score , I think even she knows and understands about making rash decisions . It is hard when you hear of the mlcer suffering but I know there is nothing I can do so I will not contact her and remain dark .

Re: Mlc wife [Re: R678] #2845662
04/15/19 07:08 PM
04/15/19 07:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 69
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gzabetas Offline
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Wow DnJ what you wrote blew my mind.

Never has anyone described so well what its been like.

This should be a sticky.

Mind you I dont think there is an age group to MLC anymore. Mine is 28 years old, but everything is there.
All the pieces, plus she has been entering early menopause for years (its rare but it happens) so gynecologically a woman at any age can start "growing" faster so to say.

Re: Mlc wife [Re: R678] #2845682
04/15/19 09:58 PM
04/15/19 09:58 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 938
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DejaVu6 Offline
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I second your thoughts regarding what DnJ wrote gzabetas. It describes my H as well. He has grabbed onto his new life like it is a life preserver. He is currently buying a bunch of things for his new home with OW and is excited by the newness of everything. He will come back down to earth in time and be left to face himself. I will be long moved on. It is his battle, his journey to take... my part in it has come to a relatively quiet and peaceful end and I am a better person for it. Onwards and upwards...

R678... I wouldn't put too much stock into what your W is saying at the moment. They are just words and it sounds as if she is spinning. Step back...give her time and space and don't do anything too quickly. You do not have to be on her timeline.

(((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 45
B/G Twins 11
SD19

Together 14 years
Married 12 years

BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018
Re: Mlc wife [Re: R678] #2845705
04/16/19 07:48 AM
04/16/19 07:48 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 69
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gzabetas Offline
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I know what you mean DejaVu6. Hanging on to that "life preserver" helping them to get away from us.

So glad you realize that the fantasy they create will erupt. It taxes their brain trying to maintain the illusion.

And very well said that we will not be around to see it. Its their journey.

What a twisted situation they have placed us in. I cried again this morning. I caught a glimpse of the Gummy Bear song somewhere and I remembered the first time I walked up to her student apartment. Her doorbell had a sticker of gummy bear on it welcoming me. I thought it was so cool, this person was meant for me....

But as my IC told me, that person that I loved is no more...

Re: Mlc wife [Re: DnJ] #2845812
04/16/19 11:01 PM
04/16/19 11:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 39
Uk
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R678 Offline OP
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Thankyou so much for that dnj and itís uncanny the similarities ,my situation last year rage rage rage to now nothing no contact .quite astonishing really.

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