I agree with Alison and Yail. I like Yail’s re-writes and the reasons for them. The email is written in a very thoughtful FS-like manner. I get what you mean when you say that you fear it FS. I think you it is not only his reaction that you fear but maybe also his non-reaction? Also...that by being the one who places the boundary, he may say that it was your doing. My H did that when I finally told him not to come back until he was sure he wanted to be here because he kept saying he was coming back and then backing out. He thanked me at the time as he said he hoped it would give him clarity...four months later his story was that I had “kicked him out”.
I think you have to do what is best for you and the girls irregardless of what he may or may not do. It is really, really hard but like you said, the limbo you are living in is very confusing for all of you. (((HUGS)))
DejaVu - that's such an insightful comment. I fear saying 'no' to my H too - in case it drives him away completely. It is very very hard to lay a boundary while you still want closeness. And I think women in particular are taught always to say yes to their men, in all kinds of subtle ways, and that conditioning flares when we feel insecure and is there deep down no matter now career orientated and otherwise emancipated we are. You've given me food for thought on my own situation. Thank you.
I have decided to wait until after the school holidays to send the email. Procrastination, but he has the children most of the holidays, and it is easier to have them here. I have spoken to him about not entering my bedroom and also taking himself off the camera. He was defensive about both:
"I only went in there because I was looking fro D12's football shorts" "I don't even look at the camera"
and finally ...
"If you want to take me off the camera you will have to go in as admin and do it yourself. I don't know how too" (knowing full well that it's linked to our electricity and he is the only admin on the account).
I have disabled the camera (for now) and will be putting a lock on my bedroom door this week.
My SIL was just here (the one who is separated from his brother). She mentioned that his brother said H is seeing someone who looks like me. This has to be the girl from back in Oct. She seemed a little surprised that I didn't know but then said his brother told her about a six weeks ago and it could be old information he was relaying. This is a possibility. H would not tell his brother anything private ... he would not tell anyone, and certainly not his brother who he is not close to. It has thrown me in a bit of a spin and I need to process it properly before I make a decision. I have been kept in the dark for so long that I want to make sure I am acting on reliable information and not simply reacting. If he is seeing her that makes at least seven months, which is more than seeing if the grass is greener ... it is a fully functioning relationship.
(((FS))) Really tough to hear information like that... old news or not. Certainly with all the time spent with you and the girls and his work schedule, he can’t be seeing her that much. Still...
Good for you for disabling that camera. For sure he has been looking at it. Send the email when you feel good and ready. (((HUGS)))
FS: that sounds like gossip, I’m not sure whether you should believe any of it, particularly from someone he wouldn’t tell. Maybe you should ask him about it in person? You’re entitled to ask. The email: I would lose most of those words. Keep it specific and focused on the problems it’s solving: your privacy and D12’s confusion. Those alone are enough to request the boundary. I think maybe you should do it in person though, I’m not sure why given I send lots of stuff like that via text and email. Keep it really short though.
That is very very hard information to receive. It does change things, doesn't it - if it is true. Would SIL have a motivation, do you think, for stirring things up a little? Or getting the wrong end of the stick? Do you need to find out if it is true? I think if he's seeing someone else - not a fling, but a relationship - then perhaps it is well overdue to start setting boundaries around your space that get you out of the limbo and make it clear this space is no longer his home. But then again you were going to do that anyway, weren't you?
My H hates it when I send him long texts and emails. No matter how carefully I word the message he feels overwhelmed by a wall of text, scans it, doesn't take in the information and hardly responds. It is better if I handle things with him verbally, but as concisely as I can. He just does not have the capacity to deal with listening to me right now. So I try to keep conversations about arrangements as brief as possible. Sometimes I say, 'I need to give you some information. When is best?' and that seems to work too.
I have decided to pay the 'gossip' no mind. It is likely old information. He is here too much to have a relationship and if he is having one, then she is a fool, because he is here SO MUCH. What kind of woman is comfortable with a BF who can only see her once every two weeks and always on his schedule. What kind of relationship can it be when he keeps 75% of his life hidden from her.
I have sent my H exactly one relationship email since this all started. It expressed in great detail all my pain and all my longing. He did not respond. It hurt then that he didn't but I know now he simply could not process it. For the longest time (nearly a year) all my texts were quick, to the point, and always logistical. It did not help our situation but was necessary to protect my heart. His were much more friendly. Not flirty friendly - there were never any kisses or questions about my life - but he would put emojis in (others here can tell you how much I used to get wound up by those [censored]g emojis) relating to the children/weather/traffic. Recently, my texts have been more open. I put the odd "hello" in before jumping into the admin question, I might put in a "have a good day" or "hope the children are ok" at the end. We were texting earlier (about the children) and I mentioned I have not been sleeping well (due to work). He suggested some over the counter remedies. Texts not about the children ... wahoo that's got to be a step in the right direction [insert smiley emoji here].
I did the "I don't want you coming into by BR" and "Can you take yourself off the camera" discussion face to fae. This is a big step for me because I do not set boundaries very well (if at all) and in the past, I know I back down when he starts to raise his voice/get defensive, so I would handle all 'difficult' conversations by text (straight to the point, single sentences with no unnecessary words). But I did it in person.
Me: "I need to speak to you. I do not want you going into my bedroom" Him: "I was only looking for D12's shorts". Me: "It doesn't matter why. There is only one place I can call mine. Please don't go in there again". Him: "I wasn't snooping". Me: "It doesn't matter. Please don't go in there again". Him: "Ok" Me: "Also, can you remove yourself from the camera". Him: "Why? I don't look at it" Me: "Not the point. You don't need to be on it". Him: "Well, you will need to go in as admin and remove me. I don't know how to do it". Me: "Ok".
So, boundary setting and standing up for myself. Go ME !!!
YES go you! It sounds like a great exchange FS. Very good being firm - and he didn't rage! I wish you many more interactions like this. I foresee him listening to you better the first time around with less push-back the more he hears you in rational, calm boundary setting.
I've found myself IRL saying, "You don't get what you don't ask for". Somehow it keeps coming up in my life. But that, to me, is a part of boundary setting too. In addition to identifying in what way you expect to be treated (with RESPECT) - it also is an example of speaking up for oneself.
***** Sidebar: I read on AlisonUK's thread that you also love standup comedy on Netflix. Me too!!! I swear it has gotten me through. I just saw Amy Schumer's new act. Some of her old stuff was a little raunchy for me, but I did like her new special. Also Ali Wong, Cristela Alonzo.
Have you watched The Marvelous Mrs Maisel?
Sometimes I listen to stand-up on Spotify while getting ready in the morning. Tig Notaro has me in stitches every time. Her delivery is so deadpan that it's pure ridiculous.
I love Jim Jeffries (though probably a little too much of a dogmatic atheist for this website :)) I also like the one with the Australian comedian - can't remember her name at the moment - but you mentioned her before.
Laughter is an excellent way to heal without putting much effort in. Good for the days back when I couldn't get off the sofa.
