Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[IHCLACS]

You didn't fail turbine. You did the best you could with what you knew and how at the time.

[Turbine]

That may be true yet it doesn't dull the edge of that blade.

It still seems a fail. The rules changing... Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

A fair chance from Mrs. Turbine... God... if its part of the plan... please...

Dating now... first date at a DNA test place. Maybe coffee after. Call me old fashioned but I prefer my partner to be XX chromosome pair. Mrs. Turbine is and to me perfect, flaws and all.

[IHCLACS]

First date at a DNA Test place? Better watch out you don't get served a paternity suit after the first date..lol

[Turbine]

Looks like I will be single. it was garbage the first time around. Seems like I can't DB very well.

Interview at Fermi went well. Now to wait to see what comes of that. I'd have to move anyway...

Got the news from my L after the interview. I stopped at my church after and prayed, cried and talked with the minister. First two by myself. Feel like this ain't worth continuing despite all those in my tag line... because the second on the list want's out.

DB is for the left behind spouse... what if the spouse doesn't want to be left behind? Yeah... not our choice is it?

I wish my condition matched my heart...

[Turbine]

Start of my day I wanted to be holding lilies on my chest.

Now... looking forward to three fish tacos, an Arnold Palmer and an hour at the gym with my trainer.

Boss not at work today so the testosterone challenged music was absent. Hello Jerry Reed, Marty Robbins, Gordon Lightfoot, Hank Sr., Johnny Cash.

W had ben talking before arguing about the driveway needing repairs. A topic I had pointed out a while ago. This time delay... I could imagine the following: house is sold, we are divorced, she has an epiphany and realizes this was a mistake. Too late... can't call me because new phone number. Not shared with her.

I don't want this... but go on Mrs. Turbine...plant explosives on the bridges... the result won't be what you expect.

Whoever is feeding you this... well we have read the book.

[IHCLACS]

It sounds like you are starting to shift turbine that's a good thing. If Mrs turbine is going to blow the bridges then let her do it. Just make sure you have your distance, a six pack of beer, an Arnold Palmer, some popcorn, and some sun safety glasses. I'm sure it's going to be a jolly good show. If you are in the right place in the right frame of mind at that point in your life, it might even be a comedy, tragicomedy but still a comedy

[IHCLACS]

I was just listening to Johnny Cash Alison Krauss Toby Keith George Strait and Waylon Jennings last night... Good Times. I'm so happy I can't stop crying

[Turbine]

I have three pictures next to my bed... my bed... that came so easily when it really is or was our bed... but I digress.
All three are wallet size pictures. A wedding picture. A portrait of both of us and one of her wearing a lacy one piece see through. All are from years ago. I look at them now and the ache is less. Still there. I still love her. But I am even more saddened by not feeling it as much right now. I ... I feel wrong about this.

I can imagine what some of you will reply with. Turbine, you are healing and moving toward a better future. You are getting stronger. Am I right?

It doesn't feel right.

So, God, is this part of the reforging you are doing? Will I still recognize me in the new me? What parts are being discarded? I am certain the parts that aren't needed for what is next. Just what is that anyway? I know... I have to wait and when You are done preparing me through all of this process, You will reveal it to me. At that point I will be happy and understand why all of this happened.

God, I would like it to be with Mrs. Turbine, if this is what is in store. I guess I am still not ready since I haven't let that desired end go. I do know I want her to be safe. I'd like it if she had a better relationship with our children and grandchildren. The youngest turned 10 months yesterday and still no visit by her. I had asked and she responded by asking for the money to make the trip. If we weren't one this path... well we are so she will do this without me.

I was talking with my minister yesterday. Right after crying and praying in Your house. I learned some stuff about him I wasn't aware of. Widower, second wife, more kids. I can only imagine his journey.

Someday... I don't know when... maybe I will be able to share this without being overwhelmed... someday. Not likely today though.

[DejaVu6]

(((Turbine))) You are a good man with strong values so of course it doesn’t feel right and likely won’t for a long time. I am embracing my new life and meeting new people and, for the most part, loving it. However, there are moments, when I’m alone and my kids are away and I am rattling around in my big house that I feel what you describe...that it’s not right. I didn’t get married and have my family thinking my marriage would end. To me, marriage and family are for life. But...a marriage involves two people and when one decides they no longer want to be in it...you have to let them go. It is the loving thing to do. You are not getting stronger... you are strong already. You will get through this...it just takes time. (((HUGS)))

[Turbine]

Thank you DejaVu.

Strong already... I am glad others see it. I don't. Maybe I am too close to the problem or too involved.
Mrs. Turbine is only seeing the bad in what we were/had/could be. I acknowledge it wasn't perfect or without rough patches. No one lives the TV perfect marriage or life. Considering some of what is happening with that crowd I am pretty glad I don't.

There are expectations set though by what we see on the big and little screen. Some very unrealistic swill is served up and people love it because it all works out in the end. The hero/heroine gets the reward. Those deserving punishment get it. Those who did wrong regret and depending on the story, may or may not, return to the side of being right.

We all know that it doesn't work that way.

I have my faults. My insecurities gathered from a lifetime on this spinning rock. These are mine. I must deal with them. Not Mrs. Turbine, not anyone else. I can have help. Which all of you graciously and willingly offer. Again... Thank you.
In the end each of us can only fix us.

Mrs' Turbine says hurtful things. Does hurtful things. Why? God knows why... God knows I want to not be affected by her actions. I am though. I would like to help her not be this hurt. To heal. It seems reasonable that she is being supported by those who validate her position. She won't change her mind. Maybe even if everything crashes down. Is that pride?

Talking with our son about his younger sister. W and younger D are cut from the same bolt of cloth. They share many edges where the cuts were made to separate them from that bolt. Both are middle child. W for her dad, D for both of us. So of all our three it seems they would understand each other the most. Nope. No way.

My son helped me with getting more out of the garage. It is separate from the house. Mice have been in or on much of it. I will not have the space for or need of much of what is mine to deal with. If my BiL doesn't get started there will be a lot going to the curb that is his. Conversations in Tagalog between them. My patience is gone.

Complaints of disrespect toward them. Don't forget the stick in your own eye.

Still have dark thoughts. Not as strong or intense. I do feel resigned more. That doesn't mean happy though. Not about this. I am the only one who can decide I did everything I could. Still not there. Not sure what I am holding on to.

Time to get Sunday going. Morning cleanup, church, afternoon with my son and some friends. We are going to go stave off some disaster in a distant galaxy. Where I am the toughest Red Shirt around.