Taking the marriage certificate and wedding videos is strange. Are you positive? I guess the certificate doesn't matter - you can always order a replacement one from the registry office if you need it for anything or want to file yourself. The videos are stranger. It seems a weirdly sentimental thing to do. Or perhaps he wanted to you see he'd taken them in order to have some kind of emotional effect on you? Who knows. He probably doesn't know himself. But yes - he might co-own the house with you, but you are entitled to privacy in your bedroom and security in your belongings. Are you going to post your draft email here for feedback before you send it?
The email is still being drafted in my head - I will post here before I send it. I am too scared to see it in print so am procrastinating ... not sure why I am scared. It makes it more real I guess.
I asked him about the marriage certificate and videos. He said he found them when he was looking for D12's football gear and has put them in the cupboard with the other photos. There were also some photos in there of him when he was younger (before we met). He took those home with him.
Still in invasion of privacy.
I took down all the photos of us the day he MO and put them in the closet. He took these with him the next day. I assume they are still in a box under his bed. He is very sentimental.
I am sorry it has taken me a while to write this. It has taken some time to process things in my own head.
I am sorry you feel that we will not get back together. I wanted you to know that I understand. I will not stand in your way.
I also know you have not done any of this to hurt me. You have only done what you think is right given the circumstances. I know you have been hurt too. I see and appreciate the kindnesses and the little gestures you have made to make this less painful for me. It has been a difficult balance, being kind whilst not offering hope, so I am grateful you tried.
There was so much emotion when you left that neither of us could see what was right and what was wrong. There was just so much pain.
I was watching a movie the other day and someone gave their ex wife (on the day of their divorce) "If only we were strangers again". There was a poignant sadness to it. Two people who could have done better, who wanted to do better but could not. They could not change the past. There was too much damage.
They say that time is a great healer. With time the raging emotions subside and we are able to look at things more objectively. If that is the case, then time has been my friend. I have been able to look at our marriage objectively and see my role in the breakdown of it. I am neither 100% victim or 100% perpetrator. There was truth in some of the things you accused me off - I recognize these now and am strong enough to be facing those things head on. Now that I know you are not coming back, I will continue to face those things and challenge myself.
But time can only do so much. Distance is times companion, and now distance is what we need in order to move forward in a healthy way.
It is not healthy for you to come and go from the house in the way you have been. I know it is still your house, but it is my home. Most spouses when they leave the family home forfeit the key.
I deserve privacy in my home. There is no reason you should be in my bedroom, much less in my closet and even less reason to be looking at the contents of a random plastic bags at the bottom of my closet. If the situations were reversed, I know you would feel the same.
H, you moved out over a year ago so this is no longer your home.
This extends to when you have the children. You should be having the children at your home. I know it is difficult. It seems so much easier to just look after them here but you must recognise that it is not healthy. It is confusing for them and it is confusing for me.
I do not mind you coming to walk [the dog]. If you could give me back the bottom key, and then let me know when you are coming round to walk her, then I will leave the bottom lock unlocked.
I would like you to remove yourself from the camera at the door. There is no reason for you to have this anymore.
I hope you can see that I am not writing this out of spite or as a reaction to you saying you're not coming home. These are practicalities that will allow us to move forward.
More experienced people will give you feedback, but I wonder if you need to get rid of the first six paragraphs. They're about your marriage. And really, the message here is about his conduct to do with the house. You're setting a practical boundary. The marriage and the practicalities of co-parenting while separated feel like separate things to me, though I can't quite put my finger on why. It also reads to me like you want to soften his heart or placate him so he will do what you want (stay out of the house) when a message from a position of strength might be more along the lines of, 'I've thought deeply about our experience with DD's counsellor the other day - both his feedback about her difficulty adjusting to our separation and your feedback that you plan never to come back. With both of these things in mind, I think it is better for both DD and for me that we formalise contact and access arrangements.' Something more business like and less wifely?
I don't know. This is just my instinct. I think you're trying to write in such a way that he won't be angry with you, and that comes off as a bit weak. He's probably going to be angry with you no matter how you phrase it. Do you know what your fear is specifically?
Validation and boundaries are my downfall ... two things I have never been good at when it comes to H. Plus, he sees me as unemotional and generally lacking in compassion.
This was my attempt to address all of those things. I will re-read and give it another go.
FS - I'd like to offer a few thoughts, please take or dismiss as you feel. I'm trying to think of what the "worst case" reactions might be to a few lines, and how your H might interpret. I think your intent and tone is quite on the mark.
The second portion of the letter dips into telling him how he *should* feel and *should* act. Those are the parts I anticipate being triggering. I'd try to keep it short and sweet. I'd say less is more.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Ok here goes ....
Dear H
I am sorry it has taken me a while to write this. It has taken some time to process things in my own head.
I am sorry you feel that we will not get back together. I wanted you to know that I understand. I will not stand in your way.
I also know you have not done any of this to hurt me. You have only done what you think iswhat is right for you given the circumstances. I know you have been hurt too. I see and appreciate the kindnesses and the little gestures you have made to make this less painful for me. It has been a difficult balance, being kind whilst not offering hope, so I am grateful you tried.
There was so much emotion when you left that neither of us could see what was right and what was wrong. There was just so much pain.
I was watching a movie the other day and someone gave their ex wife (on the day of their divorce) "If only we were strangers again". There was a poignant sadness to it. Two people who could have done better, who wanted to do better but could not. They could not change the past. There was too much damage.
They say that time is a great healer. With time the raging(will this word trigger him in any way?) emotions subside and we are able to look at things more objectively. If that is the case, then time has been my friend. I have been able to look at our marriage objectively and see my role in the breakdown of it. I am neither 100% victim or 100% perpetrator. There was truth in some of the things you accused me off - I recognize these now and am strong enough to be facing those things head on. Now that I know you are not coming back, I will continue to face those things and challenge myself.
But time can only do so much. Distance is times companion, and now distance is what we need in order to move forward in a healthy way.
It is not healthy for me iffor you to come and go from the house in the way you have been. I know it is still your house, but it is my home. Most spouses when they leave the family home forfeit the key. (You two need to work out what works for you - not compare yourselves to others)
I deserveam asking for privacy in my home. (very clear in what you want/need)There is no reason you should be in my bedroom, much less in my closet and even less reason to be looking at the contents of a random plastic bags at the bottom of my closet. If the situations were reversed, I know think you would feel the same. (consider omitting this. I know you're frustrated, but it's digging into specifics when you are asking for a blanket respectful policy)
H, you moved out over a year ago so this is no longer your home.(repeating)
This extends to when you have the children. You should be having the children at your home. I know it is difficult. It seems so much easier to just look after them here but you must recognise that it is not healthy. It is confusing for them and it is confusing for me.
I do not mind you coming to walk [the dog] (is this a mixed message?) If you could give me back the bottom key, and then let me know when you are coming round to walk her, then I will leave the bottom lock unlocked.
I would like you to remove yourself from the camera at the door. There is no reason for you to have this anymore.
I hope you can see that I am not writing this out of spite or as a reaction to you saying you're not coming home. These are practicalities that will allow us to move forward.
Does it matter how he sees you right now? I don't think you can change how he sees you - and your aim right now isn't to do that, but to set a boundary regarding your home, right?
Also, I do agree with AlisonUK. If you can make this about practicalities mostly, and indicate these are requests made FOR YOU and YOUR needs - but don't dip into how it's "better" or "worse". No judgement, just a request (well, "request" for now - it might get stronger if he doesn't listen) that the two of you work out this new dynamic.
