Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[IHCLACS]

Yeah AS trip to crazy town is right. It even surprised me, as level headed, well presented, and emotionally in control patient person my W "appears" to be. Just when you think you know somebody... I had a celebrity stalker GF 20 years ago who cheated and left me for another guy and married him. So believe me if I saw that kind of behavior in a relationship early on, I would have avoided that person all,together.


But then again. I'm not surprised at W's behavior because she has gotten into the routine of "winding down" and shutting off reality for years after work, and watching all these garbage reality shows, because she deals with constant stress of special needs kids.

[P_Jam]

Well I'm only on day 4 of physical separation (and it's hard) but I've chosen this week to just face it head on. Keeping busy around the house by myself, taking down pictures, cleaning, making the place "my own". Weird when you feel tons of anxiety as well as emptiness at the same time. Spent a couple of hours yesterday just walking in circles trying to "do something" but couldn't focus enough to actually do anything. A little better today, just feel the empty depression.

I get my kids back tomorrow for 5 days and then next week I'll make sure I'm staying busy outside of the house (GAL).

Reading everything on this board I realize that logically there is no quick fix but as early as I am in this I still have those hope feelings in the back of my head that I'm right (and my sitch is a little different) - but I get it, everyone is like this. Also, even if I was right it doesn't change my approach/goals/strategy to work on detachment as well as work on myself. Over time the rest should fall right into place (even if it's JUST detachment).

Moving forward...

IHCLACS... Sorry to hear about your sitch, that seems a bit complicated to deal with and accepted (IA). Seems there really is no boundaries to "fantasy land".

[IHCLACS]

P_Jam I hope you eventualy "settle in" to the emptiness, im sure its really hard for you, and hope you make peace with it and your thoughts. Im not physically separated yet, so I'm not there yet. Still in IHS until we we sell house. But I'm sure its going to be a liberating and yet acaet as he'll when I do experience it. No complication to IA.

But it did initially trigger feelings and insecurities from past GF that I wasn't good enough, or I kept making the same mistakes. I was walking around knowing for 2 months, and it was eating me alive until I confronted W about it. It was more like she figured out I was somehow spying on her, from some of the subjects I was bringing up, that she had already brought up before.

Ironicly that GF from 20 years ago, I messaged 1 year ago, making W aware of my intentions. I was having dreams of her and other exes. W was ok with me reaching out. We were always ok with that sort of thing, as long as no boundaries were crossed. That i just wanted to find out how her life turned out with the guy she left me for. She married him, had two kids, apologized for the way she treated me, turned into a devoted Christian. We briefly talked on FB messenger and got caught up on ours and our families lives. Also ironically I told the old GF I just had a son, was happily married _little did I know my BD was coming 8 months later.)

[LH19]

P,

If you don’t already consider starting to run. It’s great for clearing the mind. Exercising the mind, body and soul is a must right now. One day at a time my friend. It will get easier.

[P_Jam]

Yep.. was back in the gym this morning. Ran 2.5 miles, sit-ups and push-ups. I get my kids back today for 5 days. Mom is in town for a couple of days. Should be a good weekend.

Last night was easier.. felt more anger than anything. There are definitely days/times where I can truly feel that I don't want her back. The level of disrespect sometimes seems impossible to piece back together.

[neffer]

Be strong there PJ. Detach, use your time. The marathon is just starting.

Enjoy the kids, relax.

Keep DB, keep posting.

[sandi2]

Just a suggestion about the pictures, consider putting at least one picture of the family in the children's bedrooms. They are having to adapt to a lot of changes, and it might be upsetting to see all the pictures removed at one time.

[P_Jam]

Thanks Sandi! I did not touch ANY pictures in their rooms. Only in the downstairs common areas. They each have pictures of their mom in there (and I think at least one family) Furthermore, I did not touch the 'family' wall in the upstairs outside their bedrooms. Where there is more family picks. I just removed all from the downstairs family/living rooms (and replaced with pictures of the kids). There are no 'holes' they may not even notice.

[P_Jam]

Hello all,
Question:
Just got of the phone with WW. It is her weekends with the kids and her work schedule changed. She now has to work on Saturday. The kids have football early Saturday morning. She suggested I get there early and help her parents get them to the correct field etc. As her parents will go get them at her place, take them to football, then take them until she is off work at the end of day on Saturday. I told her I did have plans to go out on Friday night, but it might just be easier for me to take them Friday night get them to football and then your parents can take them home after... she was okay with it but was a little reluctant (I'm pretty sure it is only because she would still like them Friday night). They have only been with her 2 nights since she moved out. But she understood my point and was more than willing to let me have them. So my question(s): I do have plans on Friday night (GAL) but I can easily change them. I'm happy to do so to spend more time with my kids. My question is: Should I ask WW if she wants to go out to dinner (all of us) Friday night as a bit of a 'trade off" since she wont' have them? See I'm a bit confused in my sitch as to where more of the focus should be. Should I still be focused on not doing ANYTHING as a family since it's so early? Or is it okay in rare occasions to offer something like this as a way also remind her of what she is giving up?

Now... please don't say - "do what you want, as I should not be making decisions based on her reaction". This I understand, but I'm not there yet. So from a more 'basic' perspective - should I offer dinner with her or not?

Also, my S5 has an MRI on Thursday so we will be spending time together then anyway at the hospital as he goes under anesthesia.. This too will be comfortable as I know I will run out of small talk in the multiple hours we'll be there.

Help!

I've been doing really good over the last week focusing on me, the kids, projects around the house. Even refused to return one of her calls yesterday (cause she didn't leave a VM). She texted today letting me know she called and needs to talk to me. I just said "no problem will call you in an hour" and then we had the above conversation. I'm really doing my best to let her go, remind myself I can't control her - but we seem to see A LOT of each other right now and I want to handle the sitch as efficiently as possible.

[neffer]

You can have the kids if you want. But you can’t have W for dinner. Family days are over, she decided that. You need to be strong there PJ. She needs to feel some loss.

Stick to DB basics. Be strong!