Good question Tryhard. I honestly think I am...? I take care of myself and my appearance, and I always up that ante when H comes over. I’m at a point where I can authentically be friendly and even funny around my H again, I feel like myself around him again, finally. I’ve been in IC for almost our entire separation and I’ve done a ton of very hard work on myself, my issues and trauma, and where I went wrong in our marriage. I am a really, really good and present mom to our daughter. So, I think I am???
UGH. H just texted me a very formal sounding message saying that he wants to take our daughter to his place for dinner so would I please let her know and have her ready to go. Nothing destroys hope like a formal co parenting text. I’m feeling sick and broken hearted. And disheartened from my plan to go out looking good when he got here. Feels like I shouldn’t even bother. Any advice? How to respond to his message and what to do??
The last couple of weeks I feel like I went from being full of hope. To having it drained from me super quickly. It feels like he was conflicted for so long and suddenly he’s not and he’s decided it’s really over. I’m crushed.
Dress up, be ready. You never know you can't read minds. Just keep working the process. But keep expectations down. It may not be a great time, but it's never a bad time to you look your best around him. Do it! and if you feel it didn't get noticed, then go out and get noticed by others!
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
I am so sorry you find yourself here. You will find a community of people, who although from different backgrounds all have one thing in common. They care. They say grief brings with it compassion. The people here are testament to that. Many have long since moved on, or reconciled and still find the time to come here and offer support and advice to those of us still in the throes of it.
We can certainly offer perspective and advice. Take what resonates with you and know that all advice is offered with kindness and love. I will go back to your opening post ...
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I'’ve been getting mixed signals from him throughout, but every time I’ve brought up reconciliation, he says he wants a divorce
When you say mixed signals, are you referring to the coming around to see your daughter and spending 'family' time with the two of you? I went to see a healer the other day (I have discovered I am a hippy at heart) and we discussed the 'mixed' signals. She offered the following:
1. He wants to be nice. He cannot stand the thought of me not thinking he is nice. 2. He wants to put me in a box that says "mother" - this referred to the birthday presents, the Christmas presents and the mothers day presents. She pointed out he had not bought me a valentines or an anniversary present. He did not even acknowledge these. 3. He uses it as a way of controlling me.
I will throw in a final one ... he does not know what he wants and is making sure I am still in the same place he left me.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I decided to be patient, and to get therapy and really “clean up my side of the street” as I very much want to stay married to him.
This is a good start. You are doing the internal work but you also need to get out of your head . Do you have any hobbies, any interests?. It is tough I know with a little one (I pretty much isolated myself when my kids were little), but him moving out gives you the opportunity to explore who you are, not as a wife, or as a mother. Instead of family time, how about some Hope time? Next time he has your daughter, make some plans. Join a meet up group, call a girlfriend and ask her if she wants to watch a movie or eat at some funky new restaurant, go and watch live comedy. At first it will feel terribly forced, you will feel guilty about not being with your family, but in time you will learn to enjoy being on your own. This is when you will really start to shine. When you remember who you are . Note: this is not about getting your H back. It is about getting you back.
Read Adam's posts about the 80/20 rule. He joins in family time about 20% of the time. The rest he spends with the kids (on his own), or doing his own thing. He goes to the gym, meets up with buddies or goes to dinner on his own. That's the other thing, you learn to like being on your own.
The other thing I would suggest is meditation. It helps with anxiety and also learning to let things go. I don't mean giving up on your M, but learning to quiet that voice in your head that worries about things you cannot control.
I know the talk of D has thrown you. It is not the end. The end is when you stand down. Just carry on as you have been, working on yourself and learning to enjoy life again. He will come back or he will not. That is up to him.
You've read bits of my thread. I make mistakes. Detaching is easy for me, GAL'g is easy for me. Boundaries I have problems with. I am working on that.
P jam— it went well in the sense that I got dressed up and left and had dinner at a place I’d been wanting to try. I felt pretty good about it, so there’s that. Thank you for asking!
Fly solo— thank you so much for this. You’re right that I need to find a way out of my head. I’ve been spending a fair amount of time with my friends when H is with our daughter, so I do feel like I’m succeeding at GAL. It’s the detaching that is super challenging for me. I’ve always enjoyed my own time with friends etc. and I’ve tried all along to avoid the urge to isolate myself. Yes, I guess a lot of the mixed signals I’ve felt from him refer to him wanting to spend time with us all together as a family. He bought me a nice Christmas gift, and brought me flowers on Valentine’s Day. He lingers after we’ve put our daughter to bed, sometimes chatting with me on the couch, sometimes just sitting quietly not saying much. Those types of things. You are right that there are likely several reasons for these actions, some having to do with his not knowing what he wants, but some are likely more selfish on his part. He just sent me a divorce related email. This is excruciating. The thing is that I genuinely believed that he would come back eventually. I felt like it was so close so many times. I worry that all the times I thought I was being strong that I was really just in denial. I’m trying so hard, but I only feel strong between talk of divorce. Each time he brings it up again, I crumble inside. Anyway, thank you so muchfor the supportive words!
H sent me an email about finances in regards to divorce. We had agreed that if we were getting a D that we would try to do it as simply and easily as possible, ie avoid court. I do feel that is potentially possible. Anyway he emailed me asking me to agree to not going after his small retirement savings, and in return he won’t go after my savings account I had when we were married.
I want to be smart and I want to protect myself. I also am not, at this point worried at all that he’s trying to take me for a ride. I trust that in my gut. I also want to respond in the best DB style way. Any advice is welcome
Also— I read something in another forum about the Last Resort Technique and I’m wondering what sets that technique apart? I think I may be doing it already, but if there’s something I’m missing I’d like to implement it?
Sometimes I feel like there’s something wrong with me for still hanging on to hope. But...I do. When H and I last discussed it, all the reasons he had for getting a D is that he’s afraid to try again, that he can’t imagine being intimate again after all this time because he feels like it would be fake seeming (it probably would but I suspect we’d get past it quickly), that he feels it’s too risky for him and he might get hurt again, etc. I GET all of that and they are valid concerns. Am I nuts for feeling like those reasons all have a “I want to but...” ring to them?
