Wife is having an affair and wants to separate

[AnthonyA]

Vik, I am currently going through this struggle as we speak but am slightly ahead of you on the process. Trust nothing, NOTHING of what the W says. Trust Sandi, Steve, AS, IHC, and neffer. These WW follow a very similar script. I was worried how it would make my W feel, etc. They don't care about your feelings at all. She isn't respecting you at all. My W isn't/wasn't respecting mine. Detach. Detach. I was detaching and she temp tested me and I was vulnerable and fell for her words. Her actions soon after contradicted them. Detaching again and it becomes easier each time. You will make mistakes or have bumps in the process. Trust the process.

Tell her you know, if that is what you feel. Then let her do what she needs to do. You can't speed up the process. The people here will tell you it is a marathon not a sprint. You can't snap them out of it. If it doesn't work with this OM, there can be another. Go look at the stories or others, some have had multiple APs.

So just focus on yourself and your D. You will get through this. I read the books suggested from Sandi. It is a really good book (NMMNG). There could be a chance she files, maybe not. My W told me 10 different times that she was "DONE" or I want a D and I am yet to see any paperwork.

Don't let her talk to you about relationship. That was my problem, I let her talk and then I would respond. My new approach just implemented (boundary) is no more talking to me unless it is child related until my conditions are met. I point blankly told her that we have no relationship. We aren't H and W, we aren't friends. We are coparents. She reaches out to me, I just respond back if it is children related. She is looking at apartments. I told her to not ask me for help. Find someone else to discuss because we don't have a relationship.

Be strong, focus on yourself and children. Fix what you need to fix (the W will say everything is your fault). It isn't all your fault. You faults are part of the problem but don't assume all the burden of what has happened. Don't worry if she will walk away. You can't control what she does. As my BIL says, the only person in life that you are stuck with for certainty is yourself. Work on yourself. Be a man a fool would want to leave.

[Nik11]

Hi Guys,

So the confrontation happened today morning.

I asked her to sit across the dining table and told her that i am aware of the affair and this for me is disrespectful and disgraceful. Everytime I asked you, you denied.
She said what do you want from me?
I said is affair justified in any situation?
She said I can't answer that. and affair is not the reason for her leaving.
Then started to talk about last two years and how difficult her life was and kept going on my ignoring her and not being available for her loneliness.
After listening for 2 minutes, I told her that I don't want to talk about relationship and I believe what she had done was disgraceful.
I then said for our daughter I will be civil and we will coparent, other than that we done here and then I left.

All through confrontation, I saw no remorse and looked like she had relief that is it out.

Then when I left, she messaged me after 10 minutes that I should decide on the days I want our daughter to be with me.
She mentioned that she is setting up for her in her new apartment and it will be good that she gets used to being alone with me and sleeping when its just me and her.

Any feedback.?

[IHCLACS]

Sounds like more relief, selfishness, and impunity from the WW. SHE WANTS YOU to take on more of the parental abilities. WAW'S and WW want you to feel what they were feeling by projecting their previous experiences onto you. Just make sure that is what YOU want and what works for you. More time with the kids. If WW is acting irresponsible, Definately make her share the 50/50 custody/ child rearing load. You need to fight for your kids like there is no tomorrow. It is not your job any longer to satisfy someone else's happiness or loneliness. Only yours. Put yourself, and to yourr kids first. Cut them loose, and focus on you, because no one else is.

[Nik11]

IHCLACS,

She has mentioned already that she wants us to have 50/50 custody of our daughter. So there i guess we don't have a disagreement
But I was completely heartbroken to see no remorse or no emotion on her face. It just was so painful.

I see now she has left home and went to home depot to buy stuff for her apartment. (How can these WWs be so heartless).

Any idea on what I should be expecting in coming 5 days that we will be in the same apartment and how should I conduct myself?

[AnotherStander]

and affair is not the reason for her leaving.
Then started to talk about last two years and how difficult her life was and kept going on my ignoring her and not being available for her loneliness.

Right, exactly what we told you she would do.

After listening for 2 minutes

That was 2 minutes too long.

But I was completely heartbroken to see no remorse or no emotion on her face. It just was so painful.

So despite everything we said, you still went in with expectations. You expected remorse, sadness, maybe a sobbing breakdown where she admits her wrongdoing and swears her life to you if only you'll give her another chance. You watch too many movies! Look I know this hurts, but she is behaving according to script. This is how she feels right now and will for quite some time. LISTEN TO US! She can and will feel differently at some point in the future, but not right now. THIS IS WHY WE SAY GET OUT, GAL, leave her ALONE. Because there is NOTHING you can do right now that will help, but lots you can do that will make things worse.

I see now she has left home and went to home depot to buy stuff for her apartment. (How can these WWs be so heartless).

She has feelings, she feels guilt and remorse even though she doesn't show it. But she also feels JUSTIFIED. She feels she MUST do this to escape a horrible (in her foggy mind) marriage.

Any idea on what I should be expecting in coming 5 days that we will be in the same apartment and how should I conduct myself?

Be as scarce as possible. Go as dark as you can. Keep contact to a minimum.

[SteveLW]

Vik, when I confronted my EXTREMELY PIOUS and RELIGIOUS W about her sending nude photos to another man, her response was very similar. At one point she even said, emotionless, "that must have been awful for you". She said it as if she were telling a story.

WWs do not care about us. There attitude is "you hurt me for so long I no longer care if I hurt you". It hurts. It [censored]. But that is the way it is.

Do what AS says. The only thing you discuss with her is logistics around your daughter. Period. If she starts wanting to get into other things you are busy, or can't talk, or can't text right now.

You see, she has to feel like you are taking control of YOUR life back. Until now she has felt in control. Most WWs have a bit of a wake up once they feel that loss of control. Including that some times she may even try to seduce you. Some WWs want to maintain control so much that they will attempt that.

The rule? If she is in an active affair DO NOT GIVE IN. You have to protect your physical health here. Be strong. Be firm. Be resolute.

[SoTorn]

My WW said the same BS. "I have no future with OM, OM is not the reason I want a D, its your fault, blah blah blah blah blah.

Drop the rope. I told my WW that I am done. It took her nine months to finally get the D paperwork together and to file and now I think she is messing with the case because she doesnt want to pay me child support.

I honestly believe that my WW thought I was just going to stick around sucking on my thumb and pining for her while she did whatever she wanted to do. I ended up meeting a nice younger woman six months after BD and I have never been happier and never looked back.

Now I am planning MY life. Planning to move out so I can be happy and make decisions that make me happy. WW is still with her much older long distance, married OM. I simply do not care anymore. If she truly has no future with him then she sure is wasting a huge portion of her life. Thats for her to deal with now. No my monkey.

Now that you had the talk, just focus on yourself. No more snooping, no more pursuit, no more asking questions etc. Just be you and do you.

[Nik11]

Thanks a lot guys for your support.

Well, after today, I felt that the hope for saving my marriage is very low. It feels like nothing will change her heart.
She mentioned how lonely she felt during last two years and that si why she is leaving me and it has nothing to do with affair.
I just can't take the thought out of my mind that she felt no remorse for cheating on me. She feels nothing strange or no guilt about giving her daughter a broken home.

I don't feel like dating at this point in time and feel that it will be morally incorrect for me to do so till we get divorced.
I so want to save my marriage and feel so helpless.

I will work on myself and try to GAL and make myself happy, but when I think of my daughter, I just feel anger towards my ww and helplessness about not being able to do anything to stop the destruction that I can clearly see.

I so want to sense prevail in my WW and she will make the right choices.

I don't want my wife to think that I am done with her and later if she would like to come back, she should not think that she can't because I closed all the doors.(Though i don't want to give a signal that I will be waiting forever).

She seems so emotionally detached that i feel that she is someone I don't know at all and don't want to be in love also.

Please pray for me and guide me towards saving my marriage.

Thanks again for all your support.

[Hurt213]

Vik,

I don't know your timezone, but hopefully, you are in bed, sleeping and recharging your mental tanks - because, you really need to.

I am just gonna be straight with you here:

1. You want to save your marriage. You STBXW absolutely has no desire to do such thing. So you are hanging on with rose tinted glasses to a foundation that is absolutely not able to carry you into the future - DONT let it, because if you do, it will destroy you.

Create a new foundation, with or without her, but a foundation build upon your values, and with a partner whom respects you and desires you in their life. That is a strong foundation.

Am I telling you to give up? Absolutely yes. You wont heal, you wont move on, you wont be coming from a place of strength as long as you keep up like this.

I am sorry, but you are most likely coming off as really weak, and your actions will without a doubt, be seen as pursuit by her. Women are emotional and feeling beings (sorry for the stereotyping here for the female users), and see WILL see right through any half hearted attempts you make in order for her to see why she should choose her marriage. Your marriage is over. Its just that simple, sorry.

You are spinning like crazy, and its so hard not to, I have my self, for many months, and I will NEVER get this time back. Time where, even though I want to think it panned out otherwise, I just wasn't fully there for my daughter and my son, because I was too invested in coming from a weak place and using my resources on trying to show and act like, I could change my WWs mind. Fact is, you CANT, I CANT, nobody CAN. It is them, that need to undergo a journey, they need to face their new reality, live it, and maybe they will realize that they gave up on something beautiful - trust me, you will know if she regrets what she has done, maybe she wont.

Should you wait around for her to have that epiphany? Please, I hope you know the answer to that rhetorical question my friend. You have one life. It smacked you in the face, hard - Dont let it continue to. Get out of bed, and start living your new life. A life where the people that matters are you and your daughter. Form that new life, one day at a time, and you will see, that you will soon find yourself to be independant and on a course, set by you and your desires - not the mutual path, that you followed when you were (you still are, sorry) attached to a future with your ex wife.

I am sending you lots of hugs my friend. This is hard - but very necessary in order for you to heal and live a fulfilling life. You only get one.

[Adam04]

Vik,

Sorry to hear you are feeling the way you do right now. Be patient and kind to yourself and I hope you research or find ways to let go of the stress we all feel in this most troubling time. I hope someone says something that will click with you to steer you down the path of redemption. I remember that feeling all too well. You want to save the marriage because it's the right thing to do, for the kids, and because we're just a little bit selfish and it's just what we want. Sometimes we have to let go those things we want the most and it hurts. You could be doing all the right things in your mind to hold on to what is most precious to you and they still have the choice and free will to do whatever the hell they want to do with little to no regard for anyone's feelings. That is life. Life is bittersweet. It's also full of surprises and excitement and joy. I hope you will shift some of that focus off your W for the moment. Put it wherever you want except the marriage or your W. I hope you find happiness in other things. There are a million and more reasons to be alive. Your W was 1 of them. Your daughter is 1 of them. What you bring to others in your life is many more. You want your W to feel something? You move on.

Have you come across posts talking about the WAS and their journey they are on or seen the one about being numb in R2Cs quotes thread? There are other posts that have helped to humble me when looking at the break down of the M. It took my focus off my W and put it back on me, trying to work on me and taking accountability for my own actions. Once I stopped focusing on W, I stopped blaming her. I stopped wanting her to know how I felt. I took the lonely road. If you can walk the road alone to happiness you can find it with others. What I did was listen to a bunch of videos which I still do today after 8 months from BD. Steve mentions self differentiation a lot and I came across much of that discussion online. Being happy alone. John Gottman is wonderful to listen to. There are many positive, helpful things you can do now to put you on the right track.

Vik, this is all too fresh and new. I encourage you to keep learning as much as you can as quickly as you can so you can save yourself some time and minimize the damage. The quicker you learn, the quicker you can let go, and you slowly realize it is no longer about them but about you.