I am glad that I found this place and that gives me a lot of hope. I am a newcomer and here is my story.
Wife started affair in 12/2018 with a coworker. I was on a business trip at that time and when I returned in 01/2019, she told me that she did not love me anymore and wanted to separate. At that time she did not mention anything about the affair. I was so taken back by this and did all the "Don't do " things like begging and crying and pleading her to stay and work on our marriage. That pushed her further away. She told me that I have emotionally drained her and caused her to have low self esteem and she hates me for that and does not want to be in the relationship. I do take responsibility for my actions and agree that I was not perfect and ignored her and did not provide emotional support, affection or validation. I asked her at that time if there was anyone else in her life and she declined.
Over next few weeks (around end of 01/19), I found out that she was in an affair with her coworker through messages on her phone, but I did not say anything or confront her. As Sandi2 has mentioned in other posts, I could swear that she will never ever be in an affair and she also used to condemn people who did that. Now, she has become a tremendous liar and lies about everything. She is ignoring our daughter and not spending time with her. After the affair started, they started working remotely and she would leave home saying that she was going to office and went to OMs place ( he is divorced) and they worked from there. She was so mentally checked out from outer world and just focussing on her affair and that led to her losing her job (for which she also blamed me that I caused her so much stress that she could not focus on her job)
She does not have a job right now and is living with me in our apartment, but still leaves home some days and goes to OMs place and comes back around 10 in the night. As per 180 rule, i do not ask her anything and just focus on myself and my daughter.
She mentioned that she has taken an apartment nearby and will be moving there by end of next week and has said that we will have our daughter's custody 50/50. (No legal separation).
She still thinks that I do not know about the affair and I am not sure if I should confront her or not. I think, if i will confront her, she may feel relieved and file for divorce immediately. So not sure, wht is the best option.
I really want to save my MR and want my family together, but seeing her become a different person and how she is hostile against everything, I don't see much hope.
Would like to have your opinion and guidance. Cadet, Sandi2...
Thanks, Vik
-------------------------------------------------- m and ww in 30s - D4 - m 10 yrs, t16 - BD 01/19, confirm ea and pa
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Vik sorry man, I know it is tough. Your sitch has many parallels to mine, but the big difference being that my W never went physical with her online EA.
You will get varying opinions on confronting or not. I personally think you should confront her. I have said to other's here that women that are "pulling one over" on thieir LBH do not respect him. I saw one sitch where the woman in an affair would say to others "I can't believe that he is not smart enough to figure out or know that I am having an affair." So I believe you should confront her. However, tell her WHAT you know, but not HOW you know! Keep her guessing. To me that is one of the biggest tools in the cheated on spouse's arsenal is when the cheating spouse is constantly wondering "How did he find out? How did he know?"
She will ask. She will hammer on how you know. DO NOT tell her. Just stick to WHAT you know.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
However, tell her WHAT you know, but not HOW you know! Keep her guessing. To me that is one of the biggest tools in the cheated on spouse's arsenal is when the cheating spouse is constantly wondering "How did he find out? How did he know?"
I recommend one better.
Never reveal your source(s) of intel.
Do not reveal WHAT you know. Do not reveal HOW you know.
Just let her know that you DO know. "Stop, we both know you are lying" or "I am not stupid."
"we both know what you are up to, I am not an idiot"
I like this! I remember when my W was taking an hour or more to drop our daughter off at school (normally a 20 minutes process), and I told her her: "I am not stupid." That was a head shot! She couldn't get over that. I think because she realized that she wasn't getting away with what she thought she was getting away with.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks a lot guys for your help and advice. Well, as I mentioned that she is moving out next week, what else should I say while confronting. I understand I will tell her that I know of the affair and then what?(as I know when I will do that, she will say yes, I have an affair and want to divorce you.
Also, I think as she is involved with OM, she will be planning to file divorce soon and marry that guy.
Also, I have read in other posts that as we will be separated, I wont have a chance to set boundaries.
The affair has been going on for 3-4 months, so, I belive it will be at its peak and I am not sure if she will be willing to talk of any reconciliation. She has vilified me so much and has so much of resentment, I don't know where to begin and what I should do.
- My wife is an introvert and whenever there was any argument, I would take my anger out and she kept her anger inside and I know that it kept building over time and exploded in this way. . (Her deciding to not staying married to me also starting the affair.). Resentment built over time and she mentioned that because of my emotional abuse, she lost self esteem and holds me responsible for that. (I do take responsibility for that and am already in therapy to fix that, but as Sandi mentioned in her posts, according to my wife, it is too little, too late.) - She is deeply involved with OM and is planning to divorce me and marry him. (Saw text on her phone) - As the affair started, she did not pay attention to her job and lost the job in 03/19. Held me responsible for that and said that because of you, i could not focus on the job and was fired. (In reality, the reason was that she did not focus on the job and used to go to OMs place almost everyday and work from there. Or I guess the found out the she is having affair with coworker and fired her, but I am not sure.) - I have known about the affair for a month and feel stupid that I did not confront her at that time . Now when she is about to move out in a week, i feel i lost the opportunity to confront and show my detachment when she was living in the house. - I am planning to talk to her parents as well (who do not live in US) and expose the affair to them. Wanted to know if that is a GOOD IDEA? I feel responsible for letting them know as I was the one who asked for their daughter's hand for marriage, and also feel that it may create some consequences for her. (Though she is not even talking to them and acting as a rebellion against all who are related to her like friends and family. The only person, she talks to these days in the OM (girl gone wild syndrome). Also want to point out that she has resentment against her mother for not treating her well during childhood and making her have low self esteem. My therapist also mentioned that as she already had these issues in her when you got married, anything small you might have done have affected her more than a normal person in the marriage.
Thanks again Steve85 and Ready2Change for your valuable inputs and resources. Much appreciated.
Would love to hear from other vets like Sandi2 also as she brings the perspective of WW and have read her posts which exactly highlight and define my wife these days (Basically not the person I married but an alien who I don't know)
----------------------------------------------------------------------- m 37 and ww 34 - D 2.5 - m 10 yrs, t16 - BD 01/19, confirm ea and pa
Have you read DR ? Have you considered a coach session ? If you are expecting “do this tactic and all will be good” , then you are going to be disappointed . First off do not panic and do anything major . Get hold of yourself so you can make the right ACTION .
So first off you cannot control her !! Only you, your posts are all based on her and her act, these you cannot control , but in time ( not now ) you can influence.
Repeat , you want a magic bullet then I suggest you will be disappointed.
I am surprised about how many people here have not read the book and have no idea of the techniques, clue this site does not express the things in the book , they are just additional.
. Now when she is about to move out in a week, i feel i lost the opportunity to confront and show my detachment when she was living in the house.