Twofeet - good suggestion. I'm not yet at a point where I care about the time. Only the subject matter. I'm still so early in this sitch that admittedly I"m still doing a lot of DB'ing based on getting a 'response' out of her in some way and/or helping to create the feeling of loss of the H and family structure. Which means I have to be very careful not to punish.
Based on all the experience of the board here i'm realizing I'm probably still in denial about how far my W is in regards to being wayward and GGW. I know she is in an affair fog, but I also know that her 'deepest' connections are EA's with people that are mostly unavailable to her in regards to a real relationship. Only time will tell and I'm very focused on trying to move out of denial by GAL and focusing on me. She's only been out of the house 3 nights and it's been really rough to accept the fact that she really is 'gone' from a physical standpoint. I did not expect it to hit me that hard. It was a bit of reality and now every time I see or talk to her I'm still reading too much into it and keeping myself in denial. Everytime I see her I'm just in shock - I think: Really? This is really done? you must be crazy! but I keep my mouth shut.
emotionally I'm a wreck and don't want to believe it - and although I'm sure there is an 'under current' she can feel that shows I'm not detached yet - I believe I'm doing a very good job of acting as if in regards to my actions. So I'll probably be checking in here often to make sure I'm not making more mistakes. I know the last nights failure to text did not change ANYTHING overall - but it does feel like good 'feedback' in regards to the DB'ing strategy.
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
I’m 99% detached and a couple weeks ago after not seeing my kids for 4 days I went off on a rant in my house talking to myself saying “really this life is better for us? We can’t sit down and figure this out? Next day I got my kids back and was back to normal. Sometimes not having the family structure gets to me.
I have a date with a beautiful woman on Saturday so onward and upward.
Think of 2019 as a growing period for you. This takes time and there are no short cuts.
I know you are letting me know because I need it. But that just scares the heck out of me.
Also, I really want to believe those same feelings will hit her at some point as well <-- probably feeding my denial but it is so hard for me to accept how different you say she is. I know her actions prove some of it - but I feel like it's right there under the surface. I just cant make it worse or go deeper into hiding.
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
Those feelings will undoubtably hit her but it will be a year or two down the road. You have to remember that she most likely has a 2-3 year head start on you for grieving the marriage. The quickest these turnaround is 6 months and that extremely rare. As WW as your GF is she is going to have to hit rock bottom first.
Yep, you could be right. However, I'm not yet convinced she has had that long to grieve the marriage. There is definitely some resentment there (some true some not). I'm inclined to believe there is more limmerence here then resentment... so hopefully fantasy land crashes sooner than later.
But I get your point. Sometimes I can make myself feel better by remember how fast a year can actually go by. Especially if there is SOME signs of recovery and/or me just slowly detaching where no signs of recovery is easier to deal with.
I know that even if she tried to make a u-turn tomorrow that would not work - but I would feel better (cause it would feel like control).
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
Lol I am always amazed how everyone thinks their sitch is different. There was a dude on here who studied limerance to know end and was 100% convinced that once it ended his WW would come back. He just checked in recently and at the year 2 mark the affair is still going on.
LH19. The part about you saying " really this life is better for us?" Really hits home, and I haven't even begun to be physically separated. What's bewilders me and pi$$es me off to no end about this, and although I'm probably generalizing by making the statement, is that promotion and freedom and Independence for the WAS, seems and appears more attractive then finding solutions to the marital issues in the first place. Im not saying remain co dependant either... But the self empowerment movement has an agenda.
Although self-empowerment is useful for both men and women alike and has its place, I still can't help but believe and feel that it sells a bunch of lies to the people who have given up hope by walking away with its quotes, messages, media, etc. There are more divorce articles on going from surviving to thriving, then articles on working together and finding solutions. All I hear and see is " promote the self promote the self promote the self.... self.... self...self" and most women gobble it up on shows like Oprah, and think, well if they can do it... So can I. They buy a ton of self improvement products and books that leave one vital piece out... How to actually improve relationships, communications, etc. I don't see many shows or books or people are articles promoting sacrifice patience understanding communication resolve and willingness and commitment to marriage anymore.
A lot of men and women, more so women read these articles and fantasize about how super spectacular fabulously awesome their new life post divorce is going to be through positivity and encouragement, intuition and other things. Some I'm sure are genuinely happy in the pursuit of their goals desires and dreams outside of marriage once leaving it, but no one's covering the harsh realities of splitting up the families, because it probably doesn't sell. This is my biggest sticking point in all this. I think the media and Satan has sold the masses a bunch of lies, and sadly they never realize it until years later when it's too late. Im so glad MWD is pro marriage pro relationship pro skill building.
Yeah LH19. Mine had a literal obsession with Chris Soules from The Bachelor. Would watch half naked "magic mike" videos every night at 9pm to 10 pm.It became even more obsessive after BD. She would google articles looking for opportunities to date him, would check his status 6 times daily, started looking at property, arbnb's and rentals around his family's business and farm to potentially live there as a single mom after we seperate. All this although not healthy, understandable. When I found out she made contact via instagram an email to inquire about renting family's cabin, thats when I confronted her. I guess you can call this an EA technically since contact was attempted to be made.
Yeah LH19. Mine had a literal obsession with Chris Soules from The Bachelor. Would watch half naked "magic mike" videos every night at 9pm to 10 pm.It became even more obsessive after BD. She would google articles looking for opportunities to date him, would check his status 6 times daily, started looking at property, arbnb's and rentals around his family's business and farm to potentially live there as a single mom after we seperate. All this although not healthy, understandable. When I found out she made contact via instagram an email to inquire about renting family's cabin, thats when I confronted her. I guess you can call this an EA technically since contact was attempted to be made.
Man that is just a visit to crazy town there! And that is what we call an IA (imaginary affair) because it exists completely in her head. She had zero contact with the "OM" and in fact he doesn't even know (or probably care) that she exists. IA's are perfect for a WAS because they can literally make the affair match whatever fantasy they want. EA's and PA's tend to eventually lead to disappointment but you can never be disappointed by an IA, it's limited only by your imagination.
