Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[Turbine]

Court date... not finalized. Next date five weeks.

Called and appointment scheduled with DB coach for Saturday.

If Mrs. Turbine is not happy I won't be surprised. I am going to be low key.
Yesterday was a shift I think. Thanks for malfunctioning meters.
I am thankful for the time. God, thank you. Please help us now. Thank you for my coach, the people here, family, friends, my trainer and more.

[Turbine]

Observation. Mrs. Turbine didn't get up this morning like she would for a work day. I went to work. Curious as to what I will find or not when I get home.

Which will be for a quick meal and then to the gym for a training session. I'll need it. I want it actually. The aches are minor and as Uncle Sam's Misguided Children say, "Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Marines in case you didn't know. Proud of the two I raised.

Still feeling pretty good. having equipment that works or gets fixed can do wonders for me apparently. Channel that about stuff at the house and life will be better. Just so much stuff though. Small steps. Get rid of the stuff that doesn't bring me joy. Yes... Marie Kondo...

Hey, if I jam gears I won't need much at all. Pretty much a duffle bag and a carry on or gym bag, maybe two.

We shall see.

I'll keep conversations to the house for now with her.

[AnotherStander]

Keep the faith T!

So after the D is final... she is supposed to move out. Still so much stuff of hers. Her brother too and his stuff. Change the locks or not?

Personally I wouldn't change them unless you think there's some reason you can't trust her to respect it as your place. I never changed mine and it's never been an issue.

[neffer]

Stay strong there T! The ride goes on. Respect and honor. Just keep moving.

[Turbine]

Spent yesterday cleaning the garage with my son. Good kid. W came out and poked around a bit.
We got some stuff to take to the curb and a few to donate.
Wife left for work wearing shorts and tee shirt. Not fair... she looks awesome. Okay... I am biased.
Trying to not react excessively. I don't think I did too well.

Yes, still want the R. Still working on myself.

[IHCLACS]

Turbine your awesome and I love you man. I know its hard hard dealing with all these triggers like you are missing out on life without your W, and your W isnt. Try and be present. Let the thoughts of the past go, and the uncertainty of the future go. It isn't a cure, but it definately helps. I know you have over 25 years of history and it hurts.
..

[Turbine]

Working on my GAL activities. Not sure I would consider cleaning the garage one but it was time with my son. Even had a laugh or two. Probably the best was when he was pulling out the snow rake with the telescoping handle. It wasn't "locked" so as he was pulling it out.... he was pulling it out. Definitely a laughable moment.

Spent today with him and some friends throwing some polyhedron (multi-sided dice) then supper at favorite local Irish sports pub for half price burgers.

Thought about the gym but I need to do a few chores at home so any exercise will be body weight stuff. Push ups, sit ups, squats, lunges, etc. You would be surprised at just what that alone will do in sets and reps. There is an anime series called " One Punch Man". He is a superhero where there is a professional society and ranking etc. His training was 100 push ups, 100 sit ups, 100 squats and a 10 K run every day for 30 days. Well there is a guy who posted on YouTube doing a slightly reduced version of that training schedule. about half of that by the end of thirty days. Noticeable changes. Yes, I know... silly stuff but its on my mind and not a thought about the sitch.

Anyway I thought I would drop a thought here that wasn't a poor Turbine post.

Yes I still would like the R. I want her vs. need her.

Have I been showing that? Maybe. Not sure how she sees it. Doesn't matter though. We have a pause before the next court date. Work on the house. With less clutter there will be a different feel, feng shui, whatever. Maybe this will lead to other changes.

Not counting on it though. I am praying to God that this is time for me to continue growing and DBing. I know I need to work on those skills a whole lot.

[Turbine]

Didn't go to the gym. Didn't do any body weight stuff last night either.

Been reading a little more MAFM/WAFV. I believe Mrs. Turbine would benefit from reading or listening to that. I know... can't fix her. Would have to be her choice.

Been reading DejaVu posts. Still trying to catch up and be current. Others too.

So I was checking my email. Got a reply to a veteran's program at Fermi. Taking some time off to attend that. Definitely a better use of my skills. I know soo much and feel under-utilized. Granted the boost I had last week was good. Need to prove something. Yeah, I could jam gears. My buddy in Ca. does and as he says it ain't rocket science.

Mrs. Turbine still has so much emotional weight on that see-saw. Yeah, I control that balance.

This morning I said good morning to her and got a matching response. Declined offer to get the banana and orange for her. Okay, just offering since I was handling the fruit.

How on earth do we let go?

We can get along. We have had good times and bad. I just don't et it. Maybe I am not supposed to. Still have too much time in my head at work. Some thing new to change that? We shall see. Okay God, I may not have my lesson learned yet so can I get the God's plan for Dummies chapter right now?

[Turbine]

Okay, she sent me a text at the end of her lunch. Said I can't accept the settlement. Need to move on. This is more cost. Simple... let go. after 31 years she didn't get anything. Sorry but this means you are greedy.

Summarized her text for illustration.

I responded... yeah probably wrong but too late.
Reminded her about paying off her car and trips to the Philippines without question because she was (and is) my wife. Feel unappreciated. I did those things because I wanted to.

So I am proceeding with getting off her insurance. My own phone plan and splitting the insurance.

For a very long time my parents both worked. Both of us worked. Maybe my MiL didn't have to when W was growing up. I don't know. Was never brought up. Like a lot of stuff.

When Mrs. Turbine first got here she liked to watch Dallas and Falcon Crest. Not realistic on several levels. Did she expect that for us?

I know she wanted us to retire from the Navy. I got tired of being gone even when the ship was in port. Three section duty with duty weekends every third. Which meant From Saturday morning to Monday evening before I would be home again. Big deal... Friday night off. We had kids and her Mom. I have few memories of the townhouse we rented or the apartment. That isn't a life. Not a married life.

Now she is done and wants out. When we should have been us.

Well... having to pay her own insurance will be a shock. Along with all the other expenses. Unless she has been lying about seeing someone. She could. I still doubt it. But hey I have been wrong about stuff before.

Still love her... still... after the hurt she gave in kind. I'm sorry Mrs. Turbine. More than I can tell you.

[Turbine]

As I was finishing up at the gym the power went out. Exemption to them being 24/7.

Turned in insurance paperwork. Phone plan needs to be activated.

I still feel I failed. Failed her, us, our kids, myself. For a long time despite trying everyday. I feel my values are being trampled on by society. Work hard... all that.

Talks with the minister help sometimes, sometimes not. In matters that are moral aren't these who we should seek for guidance. Getting told its my fault we are where we are at isn't news. More like, "here, I don't think you dug a deep enough hole on your own. Let me use this backhoe to make it deeper." Not very inspiring or uplifting.

The church we attended and I am trying to rejoin doesn't pray the rosary or like that for penance. Hmmm... guess I will have to ask about that... I seem unable to forgive myself... ergo I am broken. There are other things too. Some things don't self repair I guess. Seems I am still too tied up as Mr and Mrs Turbine.

Interview tomorrow at Fermi... put best foot forward. I would use far more of everything I know and have learned there. Jamming gears... not so much. On the other hand wouldn't need much in the way of possessions then either.

More thoughts later. Enjoy the read.