Has anyone had experience reconciling being at the point I’m at? Is it even possible? I feel so lost because even after these conversations, I get so sad, and then I go back to trying to dissect his words and actions for signs of hope. It’s like my heart won’t let me believe what’s happening. I’ve been working on trying to separate myself and not be around when he’s here, I guess I need more of that.
I am going to be as direct as possible with you (and I do root for you, and hope things work out !)
Reconciling is never off the table. You need to understand, and remember, that YOU control YOUR actions. As long as your actions, and your mind is saying, that reconciliation is what you want, then that is what you will work towards. But it is SO important, that you work towards this goal from place of strength.
You will in time, when you choose a path that allows you to grow as a human, because you learned from this very traumatic experience, realize that you are so much more than just an entity that consists of the product you and your husband became. You need to realize, that you are an individual with so much to offer, and your husband has a lot he needs to work on before he can even start the process of seeing you for what you are, and what he fell in love with in the beginning of your journey.
How do you choose this path? By living your life to the fullest, each and every day. Sit down, make a list of things you want to achieve over say the next 5 years - things that are completely about you (selfish? absolutely, and that is the mindset you want to progress into - stop pleasing everyone around you, and start living for you - that makes you attractive and interesting, even though it might feel very counterintuitive to drop the rope on pleasing the ones we love). Then make a timeline, where you set yourself up for these goals, what needs to happen in order for you to achieve these new goals of yours.
Made that list?
Great! Now you have some long term goals, an that gives you purpose. With purpose comes the possibility of change, and with change comes the possibility of learning and acquiring new thing and skillsets, and that is EXACTLY what you need.
Now make another list. Now I want you to make a list of your short term goals: What do you want to change or achieve over the next 5 months? Reach these goals, and you will feel absolutely empowered and ready to set new goals for yourself.
Whenever your husband is present around you, then make sure to validate him, no matter how he feels (unless it is about OM - then you set a boundary, because you wont tolerate being disrespected - you are a person that values yourself, and you wont take crap from anyone). Be content, be "happy" and fake it for now, and 3 months from now, maybe sooner, maybe later, you wont be faking quite as much. Remember to listen to what he tells you, no matter what you feel about it, just listen and validate. You might think; "What? that is absolutely not how it happened", however this is how the WAH/WH process things in order to reassure themselves, that what they are doing is alright - because, a lot of things were absolutely horrible (no they most likely weren't), but validate and let it pass like the wind.
The best metaphor on this site (in my belief) is the cat metaphor: "Do not try to pick up the cat, do not try to coheres the cat into doing what you want it to - that doesnt work, and the cat will walk in huge circles around you. Do however, ignore the cat, and give it your full attention, when it decides to come near you, and should it choose to walk away, then by all means, let it." I hope you get the picture.
Hugs!
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Everything Hurt213 said is true. Very wise words. And in most cases I might add that they have done horrible things. And they know it.
In my wife's case she is the typical librarian nerdy type. Kind of like Talia Shire (Rocky's sister) - we are both Greek btw. You would not in a million years picture this person with an affair. She is a household wife, very inexperienced. I didnt even want to bother looking for proof. For laughs one day I looked around the house. The truth was out there.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
Thank you for the advice Hurt213. This all makes a lot of sense and I will try those ideas, and make the lists.
Right now in this moment my biggest struggle is with myself. I’m having trouble making sense of what is happening at the moment because last week when my H and I spoke about our M it just felt like it he was soooo close to giving it a chance. He said he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to “feel like it was real” with me and worried about what would happen if he took a chance and it didn’t work out. To me, That is so different from, say, “I don’t love you and I’ve moved on”. It makes it feel like there is a possibility buried in there, off he could get past his fear.
I know I can’t control him and can only control me. I know I can’t convince him and shouldn’t try to. It’s just excruciating to feel like the possibility for reconciling was just within reach.
I’ve been reading some posts on cake eating and wondering if I have been letting too much of that happen. My H comes to my (our?) home 3 days a week to see our daughter, and as I’ve written before, we end up having a fair amount of family time together because of it. I do feel the current arrangement is best for our daughter (she’s 3) and I’ve also enjoyed it too. We have a nice time together which is somewhat frustrating and really confusing. Maybe I’ve been letting him have it both ways??? I’m just not sure what adjustments I could make to take some of it away from HIM, without also taking it away from our daughter...?
Just read someone else’s post, and her sitch is very similar to mine. It made me think and gave me some perspective I wish I’d had sooner. I’m wondering (with a pit in my stomach) if maybe things would be different right now if I had started detaching and actually making my H think he was losing me/us sooner??? He’s been getting the best of both worlds: living away, dating AND quality family time and quasi marriage. I’m gonna try a crash course in showing him all he is in fact losing with a divorce. I really hope it isn’t too late!
