Turbine, she's done. For now. Will that change? Probably. My XW BD'd me almost 7 years ago. Last weekend our S asked her to show me a scrapbook page she made of our dog (when she was a puppy). When flipping through to it she stopped at a page she had just made, a picture of the two of us with our arms around each other while on vacation in Arkansas. The entire page was that one picture surrounded by nature pictures. In the last year her position has softened considerably. She's not dating. She's inviting me to do stuff with her and the kids. She's been asking a lot of temp check type questions. I have a strong feeling that if I showed one bit of interest that recon might be on the table. The problem is my heart isn't there anymore. Maybe some day, but not now.
So what is my point? It's that you're less than a year since BD, and while it probably seems like forever to you it's not, it's just the start of her recovery. There is no reason for you to take this defeatist attitude you seem to have. It's not over until YOU decide it's over.
With my current state of mind being very dark of late is signing the D papers contestable?
Or am I grasping at anything like a drowning man flailing for a purchase?
I know there are so so many who love or at least care more than she does right now. Yet if I were to explain it I would try this. Imagine a see-saw. Mrs. Turbine in on one side and is right next to the balance point. Everyone else is on the other side as far away as possible. Care to guess which side is hard on the ground?
Mrs. Turbine is hard on the ground. My head can process this but my heart... the Hulk in full rage ain't close to power.
Pretty messed up huh... How do I flip that switch? Because I have to if I am to survive and have a chance at R.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
I do understand the turmoil you are in. I think we all do. So just know that you are understood and heard.
But I would agree that you are grasping and it won't work. So I implore you to save your energy and simply tread water. That's your goal right now. Stay afloat.
You can't flip a switch, but you CAN progress slowly. You won't wake up one day feeling everything is right in the world and that you fully understand and accept your W's actions. But you can inch your way there. You can be sure you have tiny moments in your day that are positive or grateful.
I see that you are very intent on a future R with W. If this is your mindset I'd say the best thing you can do is to really focus your thoughts on what she needs right now so that she feels heard. She has told you she needs to leave. You don't have to like it but you have to allow it. Accepting her leaving (or trying to accept) is validation.
I understand your feelings that if you don't do something right now you will lose the opportunity. Just know that is not true. There isn't a magic bullet that you have somehow missed.
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, and wish you a little bit of unexpected sunshine in your day.
The house will be sold. It took both of us to make it.
Although now I am glad we didn't move and downsize into my parents place. Which at first she was so against. After it was emptied and cleaned up and listed she had changed her mind. A little to late...
If after time she changes her mind there won't be a house. Might not be me either.
I can't change her mind. I try to see the bad ahead. Seems like a perfect storm and we are about to be hammered. I want to shelter her as much as I can. She wants to run though. I still believe we could ride out this storm together. I want to make the changes needed.. for her and more for me.
God... please still these waters.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Text from her... all about the money, are we finalizing this tomorrow?
I replied as such: I understand that you feel this is the only choice... I am still believing otherwise.
Not very good DB huh... The TSM (terminally stupid monster) just ambushed me hard.
This is so Foxtrotted up. Yeah not all my fault but I always have taken blame on a personal level very hard.
Just a honest chance to make amends...
Got a yellow light at the toll exit. means funds are low. Time to split that off too...
I have no idea where I am going to live...
If there is a R in the future.... a different house.... would be a good thing... but minus her... just a building. At that point driving OTR means just a 'residence' for taxes and voting.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Be strong, do the best you can to secure your future and not make leaving you a great choice.what if stormy waters is what it takes to blow the fog away , would still waters do that ? Be the lighthouse
More texts, more bitterness. Never earned enough, she never forgave me for an indiscretion. Never again though... I haven't forgiven myself for that either. I'm greedy she says... I don't give a flying Foxtrot about the money. It was supposed to be OUR retirement. Right now I loathe it exists. One of my Grandfathers had a good job. Dad had a pension. Looks like I will be working until I die or get to ill to work. Foxtrotting TSM go away. That's not the answer. Go play on the tracks TSM and ride the long black train in my place.
Every other or third thought... I implode... again and again...
Even after those messages... Mahal ko ang aking asawa.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Looks like I will be working until I die or get to ill to work.
Yeah me too. Original plan was to retire at 50, then we revised it to 60 so we would be more comfortable. Then BD, S and D. Blah blah blah it was all smoke and mirrors. Hey working ain't so bad. My friends that have retired end up babysitting grandkids or staring at their navels all day.
Three previously failing pieces now repaired/adjusted and on their way to the customer.
Mind set has gotten closer to normal in that amount of time.
Church tonight... need time at the gym too... so that will be after. Been awake really early and going to be a long evening. Bed by 0000 if all goes well. I really don't want to nod off in church. Especially since I need to improve that relationship right now. May God be more forgiving than my Mahal.
FYI... the phrase I wrote is one of the few I know in Tagalog. Rough translation is I love my spouse. The second is term of endearment... Love
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
This morning W was very angry this was being dragged out. I am getting tired of it too. Having her so close and her wanting to be gone. She says never. Hurts. She says stuff to push buttons. After all this time she knows all of them.
You would think I would too. I probably do but deny it. I am trying to not push buttons on her. Seems all but two buttons are not working right. One button, which seems to move at random, gets a good response. All the others are wired together and trigger alarms and all negatives.
So after the D is final... she is supposed to move out. Still so much stuff of hers. Her brother too and his stuff. Change the locks or not? I don't want to be a monster (too late right) but I also don't want her to have a free ride. I worry where ever she will be that she will be safe. Yeah... not my problem. I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry.
The TSM is hiding mostly. Taking a peek now and then.
Will the reality of this hit her and will she realize I, flawed as I am, aren't the monster she sees right now? Mind reading... pointless. Work on me now.
The thought of dating and all that involves... maybe in the future. Wasn't all that good at it last time. Time will tell. Maybe not. Took my Dad almost 18 months to reach the point of wanting to date after my Mom passed. Never did though. His health wasn't up to it.
Me... get a CDL... would have to get training for that. I can learn it so that isn't the question. Dealing with the alone time, and there is a lot of that, on the road. Plus side... got friends and family scattered. Just would need a residence and pretty certain my kids would allow that. So the question then would be NY or IL for residence. Or somewhere else.
Mrs. Turbine... I still love you after all this... I am sorry for many things. Marrying you wasn't one of the regrets though. Hard times and all. I don't want anyone else...
Yes... not very good DBing there. She won't see it and pretty sure you won't tell her either.
Last edited by Turbine; 04/04/1906:02 PM.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
