Not Sure Where This Is Going

[Niall11]

Niall,

Time is always a problem for LBSs. Your sitch has been going on since Sept. To you that feels like decades. In reality, 7 months is a drop in the bucket for most sitches. Why is time such an issue for LBSs? Because as a general rule our society has given up on the virtue that is patience. No one has it anymore. Spend 5 minutes driving on the road and you'll see the severe lack of patience in our society today.

You're right that it does feel like decades. I probably am not the most patient person but the constant feeling of rejection and disrespect is hard to bear. No previous relationship would have gotten to this point. I would have walked a long time ago. I take the vows seriously, thought we had a good thing, and of course we share a daughter.

Regardless, your W rewrote history to try to get you to back off. She wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. I don't think she is purposely taking advantage of you...she simply doesn't care. Rather than think about it in terms of whether or not she takes advantage of you or not, look at it in terms of what is best for D2.

I think you are doing this, but keep D2 at the forefront of everything you do and everything you decide.

I am doing my best to put D2 first. She doesn't deserve any of this. I don't know how much more I can back off without just letting W do whatever she wants or walking out the door.

Also look up mtb's threads. I will look to see if I can find them. He had a particularly WW and he dealt with it pretty well. I think at some point, if this isn't working for you, then you will need to ask your W to leave. And when she does, make sure you change the locks. WWs that are especially wayward will forsake everything, including their kids.

Thanks for the tip about mtb. I will read.

I think I'd love it if she left. The best week I've had in months was when she was away. Right now I don't think it's an option because neither one of us, but particularly me at the moment, could afford to maintain our current place without the other's financial contribution. Having additional housing costs would bury us because D2 will be starting preschool in August. Very expensive but actually the most affordable one around here. I really need a better and more regular income.

A few months ago W said that, if she wanted to leave, she'd leave. She'd go stay with her parents. They used to live 2,000 miles away but now live about 2 miles away. I don't entirely buy it because she's gone out of her way to keep them from knowing anything about our sitch. Very recently the parents downsized to a very small 1-BR place because W's sister moved out. That was her chance to go stay with them and she passed it up. I think her plan, as much as she has one, is to stay here, do whatever she wants, and count on me to pick up the slack. At a minimum a schedule is needed.

First thing I would do if I were you is contact a lawyer. I think he would start having you document everything. Document when she leaves, when she comes home. How much time she is spending with D2. How much time she is spending away. The goal here is for you to get full custody if your W continues down this path.

I have started documenting (5 of last 9 nights). It's not just going out at night. It's also leaving for work a bit earlier than before and coming home later. OW2 works at same place. When she started this job she was thrilled to be able to get home as early as 3 and, for months, came home immediately after the school day ended. Now she gets home at 5 and half the time heads back out at 7 or 8.

[Niall11]

Wow well she is certainly playing out the "girls gone wild" scenario. One thing I would suggest is you not let her speak to you that way again. Just tell her if she does you will leave the room or house, then if she continues, leave!

Second I would suggest you go ahead and put that schedule together and get her to agree to it. She is taking advantage of you big time, time to put a stop to that!

Good advice. I just looked at her. The schedule is definitely coming.

Yes, that's why we call it "rewriting" history. It has little or no basis in fact.

There's plenty she identified a few months back as making her unhappy that had basis in fact. I've been more than willing to plead guilty to things I'm guilty of. But this new stuff is totally opposite from the reality. I can only imagine the look on my face. All I could say was, "I'm sorry that you felt that way."

[Ready2Change]

Listen,

This is a poker game. Do not show her your cards.


I am all about 50/50 parenting. Both parents should be equally involved in the children's lives.

H"W, this is not working for me. To reduce confusion, I think it is best that we implement this parenting plan that gives us equal time with the children each week. I believe we should impliment it right now unless you want to propose a different split. Please look it over and let me know what you decide."


Make it look official, like it was drawn up by a lawyer.

[Niall11]

Listen,

This is a poker game. Do not show her your cards.


I am all about 50/50 parenting. Both parents should be equally involved in the children's lives.

H"W, this is not working for me. To reduce confusion, I think it is best that we implement this parenting plan that gives us equal time with the children each week. I believe we should impliment it right now unless you want to propose a different split. Please look it over and let me know what you decide."


Make it look official, like it was drawn up by a lawyer.

Agree. I deal with contracts and such all the time, so making it official won't be a problem. Unfortunate that it's come to this.

[Niall11]

Also look up mtb's threads. I will look to see if I can find them. He had a particularly WW and he dealt with it pretty well.

I took a look at the mtb threads. What a mess. His wife working in the bars, the pills and cocaine, not seeing the kids for weeks on end. It reminded me of another couple of stories I've seen on here. Just sad.

My wife definitely wants to go out and have her fun without me involved at all, and I feel like she's not paying enough attention to D2, but otherwise she's been healthy. Eating better, hardly ever drinks, no drugs at all. OW2, other than potentially hooking up with a married mom, seems to be a model citizen. She's not hanging out with total dirtbags. Not that that helps me much.

Six months ago she said that she spent all her time worried about our child, her parents (who had recently relocated here, language barrier, money issues), her sister (mental health issues), her at-risk students, and me. These days of course that's been revised to just me. I think the truth is that she loves D2 but doesn't love the loss of freedom that comes with having a young child, and it's manifesting like this. If our relationship were otherwise OK, with no infidelity issues and completely shutting me out, I'd be totally fine with watching D2 sometimes so she could get out and have some fun. She's gone about this terribly and all of us will probably pay for it forever.

Mtb was tempted to give in to his W almost the whole time but in the end took the tough steps necessary for her to sleep in the bed she made.

[Ready2Change]

I deal with contracts and such all the time, so making it official won't be a problem. Unfortunate that it's come to this.

Just separate things into "Compartments". Get documented agreements as landing places.

Keep your emotions under control when interacting with W. You are the rock right now.

[SteveLW]

Also look up mtb's threads. I will look to see if I can find them. He had a particularly WW and he dealt with it pretty well.

I took a look at the mtb threads. What a mess. His wife working in the bars, the pills and cocaine, not seeing the kids for weeks on end. It reminded me of another couple of stories I've seen on here. Just sad.

My wife definitely wants to go out and have her fun without me involved at all, and I feel like she's not paying enough attention to D2, but otherwise she's been healthy. Eating better, hardly ever drinks, no drugs at all. OW2, other than potentially hooking up with a married mom, seems to be a model citizen. She's not hanging out with total dirtbags. Not that that helps me much.

Six months ago she said that she spent all her time worried about our child, her parents (who had recently relocated here, language barrier, money issues), her sister (mental health issues), her at-risk students, and me. These days of course that's been revised to just me. I think the truth is that she loves D2 but doesn't love the loss of freedom that comes with having a young child, and it's manifesting like this. If our relationship were otherwise OK, with no infidelity issues and completely shutting me out, I'd be totally fine with watching D2 sometimes so she could get out and have some fun. She's gone about this terribly and all of us will probably pay for it forever.

Mtb was tempted to give in to his W almost the whole time but in the end took the tough steps necessary for her to sleep in the bed she made.

Yep, your sitch is no where near as bad as mtb's. However, your W is showing some definite GGW behavior, and at the expense of D2. That is why I pointed you in mtb's direction. mtb did struggle but notice how strong he got when he finally decided he'd had enough, and he was going to put his kids first, and himself 2nd. Her a distant 3rd. The problem with our sitches is that our love for our Ws make us focus too much on them. We think it is our job to save them from themselves. Almost all of these WWs are willing to put their wants and needs above everything else: their kids, their previous morals, and especially the lBH.

I can also say from my own experience, that when my perspective switched from trying to save my W from herself, and trying to save my D and myself, things turned around pretty quickly. My sitch was very unique in timing and turnaround speed, so please take it with a huge grain of salt, but you will never move forward with your focus on her.

[Niall11]

When W started her new job last fall, one of the highlights was being able to get home early. As she's made friends and developed a crush on OW1, and especially since getting to know potential OW2, she's been lingering at work and coming home later and later.

Yesterday there was a staff meeting until 3:30 and I was surprised to see her walk in the door before 4. Before I could say anything about a schedule for who can go out when, she started talking. Highlights:

--She said she'd gone out with [OW2] Sunday night, mentioning her name for the very first time and calling her "my friend." "I figured you were curious because you came to the front door to look when I got in her car." I reminded her that, when leaving, she told me I had a package on the front porch. I went to get the package and saw a car in the driveway, so naturally I looked at it. I actually thought she had already gone off in her own car.

--She said she has nothing to hide and, in case I'm curious, there's no sexual relationship going on with OW2 or anyone else. (I remember when she denied categorically being interested in anyone else while asking her friend how to initiate a kiss with OW1, so I take this with a huge grain of salt.)

--She said if I wanted to know who she's going out with, just ask. (This is the same W who told me a week ago it was none of my &*@!%# business. I'm not going to ask.)

--She said I seemed upset when she went out Sunday. (I was, but had tried not to show it. She knows me too well.) I said I just need some notice. She thought she'd told me in advance. I said not to my knowledge. She apologized.

--I brought up the schedule and she immediately agreed both to the idea and to my specific proposal, and promised to give me reasonable advance notice.

--She said she hoped I didn't think she was going out too much. Mirroring my words from 10 days ago, she said she is trying to find a balance between having fun and being there for "the family." Said she generally goes out when D2 is going to sleep. Said Sunday she got up early, 4 loads of laundry, cleaned out a closet, worked in the garden, did an art project with D2, made a nice dinner, THEN went out. All I said was, "You got an awful lot done yesterday. It was impressive." She said she thought it had been a bit excessive lately and planned to scale back a little.

--That happened immediately. I am on a neighborhood council and we meet first Mondays at 6. Usually done by 7 or so. She had been pestering me for days about when I'd be home so she could run out to 8 pm dance class with OW2. Yesterday she said she wasn't going to the dance class. She stayed home.

Trouble in paradise with OW2? She'll probably turn around next week and say they're madly in love. Not going to read anything into this.

At least we'll have a schedule.

[Niall11]

Keep your emotions under control when interacting with W. You are the rock right now.

This has been the challenge. I'm sad and mad a lot of the time.

[Niall11]

Yep, your sitch is no where near as bad as mtb's. However, your W is showing some definite GGW behavior, and at the expense of D2. That is why I pointed you in mtb's direction. mtb did struggle but notice how strong he got when he finally decided he'd had enough, and he was going to put his kids first, and himself 2nd. Her a distant 3rd. The problem with our sitches is that our love for our Ws make us focus too much on them. We think it is our job to save them from themselves. Almost all of these WWs are willing to put their wants and needs above everything else: their kids, their previous morals, and especially the lBH.

Good lesson. We'll see if she scales back her nightlife as she indicated yesterday. I hadn't really thought I was trying to save her from herself. I do think her apparent willingness to blow up the family in the name of some independence for herself is a big mistake (and personally hurtful to me), but other than that she isn't going off the rails the way some do.

I know. "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?" Maybe I am trying to save her from herself.

A few months ago I was trying to make her see how important keeping M and D2's family unit intact is. I came to realize that it had the opposite effect and she has to realize that for herself, or at least not coming from me.

I can also say from my own experience, that when my perspective switched from trying to save my W from herself, and trying to save my D and myself, things turned around pretty quickly. My sitch was very unique in timing and turnaround speed, so please take it with a huge grain of salt, but you will never move forward with your focus on her.

I've seen it mentioned multiple times that your turnaround came unusually fast. Last night I read some of your threads and realized that patience, which you wrote to me about, didn't come easily to you either until all this. And that little seeds of doubt can still creep in. It helped me understand that it's a long road back for everyone, it's hard for everyone, and not just a question of you being inherently much better at DB than I.