I agree and I am ok with it. I assume she will probably pull back and the next time I will see her is this Saturday as we both have our kids all week.
It's just weird I have always questioned my feelings which I suppose is a good thing as if I was all in from the get go I probably would have ignored things like I did in the past. The longest she has dated anyone post D has been 3 months so I believe she is starting to enter unchartered territory as she told she has always found something wrong with every other guy. She did say there was one guy that she indicated she could have fell in love with but he ended it because he was still hung up over his XW or another woman.
I do like her and enjoy our time together. I think it just scares me because with kids there is more at stake then what there was when I was 20. I think I just feel the pressure as bringing kids into the mix takes it to a different level and once you do I am not sure where you go from there? Even if I think it could be long term I have no idea if it will end in marriage.
It all just stresses me out. Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing. My mom told me I think too much.
Is there a possibility her R’s didn’t last past 3 months because she pushed the kid thing too early?
3 months is too early. It just is. You guys are still getting to know each other. Introducing kids does change the dynamic of your R
Let her be a little mad. Respect your own boundaries.
The hardest, scariest part about dating post divorce are the kids. It’s also the most important part. I was always afraid that the kids might not like the adults and vice versatility, but it’s more of the attachment issue.
Yes, I will repeat, nothing is guaranteed but we sure as heck make sure we have the best odds when we make a big life changing decision
I guess that is always a possibility but seems unlikely to me. She made a comment that one guy wanted her to meet his kids after 2 months and that was a deal breaker for her. She strikes me as the kind of person that looks for reasons to disqualify guys but has admitted to me that despite her best efforts she hasn't found a reason yet.
She seems to be back to her old self tonight and if she was mad she didn't verbalize it to me. She told me last night that she really really liked me and then this afternoon said she misses me and that makes her smile which means she cares about me. I assume she is starting to feel the vibes of love. I still ebb and flow not madly head over heals in love. That said I do miss her, I do look forward to seeing her again but not being around her doesn't consume my life. It was really nice to go see her yesterday and be all nervous, filled with anxiety. I think I am making progress.
I guess in typical guy fashion there are times when I am feeling it and other times where I am not. This afternoon she sent me a text that made me laugh and smile. Same when we are together like last night sitting at the bar enjoying her company. It was fun and I enjoyed it but then there are times were I feel myself emotionally pulling away, maybe being distant, questioning how I feel, etc.
This weekend I had a very good looking friendly guy flirt with me. For a while because we were at the same black jack table And all I could think of was M and how I missed him.
What do you think might go though your mind if a hot woman flirted with you like that? Do you think you would think about how much you missed and cared for the doctor or do you think you would be curious to see what else was out there?
I agree that 6 months is a good waiting period. It’s not just because the kids get attached it’s because you get attached to them and it makes it difficult to make a decision down the road. Ex bf introduced me to his daughter early on (who is older) and i really liked her and felt attached to her. But he had to as she lives at home 100 percent of the time.
I waited 6 months till I had son meet ex bf and that was in a group setting. We went on outings that were not very frequent though and son thought he was just a friend for a while. My son right now doesn’t even know we broke up as he wasn’t a huge part of his life. So that’s one thing I did right.
When they are little and close in age you can probably just tell them it’s a play date. I don’t think they need to know more unless they are older and start asking questions.
I had a lot of mixed feelings and at times it felt weird and unnatural to be with him instead of my ex husband. I think for me, I needed to date more. I dated him for the wrong reasons and ignored things I should not have cause I was in loyal relationship mode not dating mode. I also think it takes a really long time to move on from a spouse.
There are so many things I like I about her (the list is rather long) but I do think I am feeling the effects of not being out on the market dating for a long period of time. G I think if a hot woman came along and flirted with me I would think about the DR, I would be curious but I would never cheat. I never think of my XW when I am with the DR. I believe I am good on that front.
I am scared. A guy came up to me at the bar on Saturday night when the DR went to the bathroom and told me that she was absolutely beautiful and to hang on to her. It just seems that with kids I have to know at 6 months if the DR is the one or not that I am going to marry. How can I possibly know that in 6 months? As KML said I am still getting to know her with talking, texting, and only seeing each other 1 or 2 times per week.
My daughters have known my XW's BF for a year but I guess he is not overly involved in their life as they never mention him and when they broke up once for a short period of time my XW made the comment that the only thing they would miss is his dog.
No! You do not need to know that at 6 months! 6 months is a bench mark minimum! If you aren’t sure about where you see yourself with this one at 6 months, then you give it more time.
Ok I get it. She has actually let me take the lead on just about everything and I get the feeling if I plowed right ahead she would be on board so I think she is holding back her emotions. Not holding back may have gotten her in trouble in the past so she might have learned from that as well especially if she got burned. Her D was final in Sept of 2017 so she has been dating for about 8 months longer than me. I also assume she has been on plenty of dates in that time period with a few R here and there so she has a good idea of what's out there and knows a catch when she sees it. Her disqualifying other guys could be a defense mechanism as well.
I have no intentions of ending it with her but I ebb and flow through being nervous, scared, excited, questioning my feelings, missing her, liking her, wondering if she is going to text, etc. Sometimes I just feel all over the place.
I am just happy that when I saw her on Sat I felt no anxiety before the date. I think that is a good sign.
Why do you feel that you need to know at 6 months? What’s the rush? Are you in a state of mind that if things don’t work out you will be just fine? Cause thats a good place to be. Also, if you commit more then your ready for because you feel like you can’t do better, or because you feel pressured, you might just end up resenting her in the future. Timing is important too.
Thinking that you have to hang on to someone because she’s beautiful or the best you can do is not an ideal situation. I told you my ex is 6’4, a professional with bosses and a company that loves him, drives a luxury car. Looks young for his age -kind of Like that actor from mad men. His current girlfriend might be thinking the same thing cause she doesn’t know who he really is yet. All she is seeing is the nice, humble him and the good things on paper. She doesn’t know about his money or alcohol or possible drug issues. She doesn’t know what a minimally involved dad he is cause he’s great at deception. If you met him you would think he’s this all American, involved dad whose wife takes all his earnings and limits his time with his kid. You would have no idea that he threw a book at my stomach when I was 8 months pregnant after I complained he was spending too much money on seasons tickets and not saving for a baby and helping to set up a nursery.
My point being, take your time. Get to know her beyond the superficial things like her looks, and degree. She could be perfect on paper but not a good fit. She’s smart. She wasn’t like the other woman that were blowing up your phone. That doesn’t mean much either. She might just know how to play the game better then the others.
The thing is you don’t know until you spend time with her. Finding out who someone really is takes time in my opinion. Time is the only true revealer. But it’s not just time. It’s experience and the confidence to know your own worth too.
One other thing. Just cause you introduce kids doesn’t mean it’s a sure thing. You might find you don’t like how she interacts with your kids. Or you might realize you have a completely different way of raising you kids that will not coincide with hers. Once you introduce kids it’s a whole new step in the getting to know you process.
Why do you HAVE to know at 6 months? From all that I have read, that is just a suggested benchmark, but as I always continue to say, you have to do what works for you. Some might be ready at 6 months, some might need a year. Everyone is different, moving at different paces. I'm sure it is my own interpretation of what I'm reading into your posts, but you always seem to have this sense of urgency about you and it confuses me. Do you feel pressured by the dr or are you pressuring yourself in some way? As an overthinker myself, I recognize that it is sometimes easy for us that are classic overthinkers to put pressure on ourselves about any number of things that is really not coming from anywhere but within ourselves. From the outside looking in, it seems that things are going well with the dr and that you are becoming more comfortable with her, "feeling her" as some of you kids like to say. I'm not sure what the sense of urgency I'm "hearing" is about, but like Ginger said, just give it more time. You don't have to know anything at 6 months. But, as you yourself pointed out, you are JUST NOW at the 3 month mark, so why are you even worrying about 6 months? Take it one day at a time. There is no rush. Things are good, you like her, she likes you. Slow down and enjoy the ride. I realize when you have small children involved the dynamic is shifted a tad, but it's not like y'all are running to the altar next week, so take a deep breath and enjoy the experience. As bad as I hate the phrase that you all got from your beloved coach, hang out, hook up, have fun. At this point, even though you are exclusive with her, you are just trying to get to know her, so have fun doing it.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
